Bye Bye Blog.

This is probably the last entry for a while if ever I do write again here it would be after a while. This has got ot be the best Christmas ever for me, I must say. I thought God would help me and not make me feel worse on that day.
Oh Well ! It was all going fine till she had to call and let me know that she was out with her 'Charlie' friends and ofcourse she had to also tell me she was out with her ex make-out buddy too.
Really I am crazy, and blind. I am getting treated like a dog here and I am still sending her I miss you msgs, and I am still saying I love her. Whow something must be wrong with me, why can I not see that I am not being treated fairly.
Leave it now thats just it, A New Year, A New Life, A New Beginning I really welcome it all.

Thanks Blog :-) for being there on so many lonley nights and for seeing me thru a lot pain and tears. Thank you.

I miss her

1. I miss her just being next to me.
2. I miss being important to her.
3. I miss her calling me and asking me nothing at all.
4. I miss her voice
5. I miss her smile and her lips.
6. I miss drooling on my bed.
7. I miss trippping with her and when we could just spend house together
8. I miss holding her
9. I miss being there for her whenever she needed someone
10. I miss her taking care of the house.

11. I miss her shouting at me for wasting my money.
12. I miss her cooking for me and me cooking for her.
13. I miss her telling me what she read in the paper that day.
14. I miss her discovering something new on the net and telling me about it.
15. I miss her playing Tomb Raider or destroying my Comp. with Dynasty warriors, or playing & sins for hours with her.
16. I miss her playing with the dogs, though I got mad she knew I cared about the dogs too.
17. I miss her taking 2 hours on the weekend to get ready.
18. I miss her shaking her leg for nothing at all.
19. I miss her laughter in the house.
20. I miss getting drunk with her, and she would tell me not to as I would get emotional.

21. I miss her spending hours struggling to straighten her hair.
22. I miss how we would fight for nothing at all.
23. I miss wiping her tears whenever they came.
24. I miss choosing clothes for her and what she should wear.
25. I miss her coming with me to my fish shops, and to MG and all the places.
26. I miss kissing her every morning in her sleep.
27. I miss waking up next to her each day.
28. I miss her kiss when I am at the door leaving for work.
29. I miss her being there when I got home.
30. I miss her telling me what looked nice on me and what didn't.

31. I miss her tripping with me.
32. I miss the Christmas's we spent together and I miss my Diwali with her.
33. I miss travelling with hre to Goa and making out on the sand.
34. I miss smoking around me though it would fry me, I still miss it.
35. I miss her doing work for me, like my bank and getting food for me cause I was an ass.
36. I miss going out and partying with her whenever we did cause though I never made her feel this way she was the cutest person I ahve ever partyed with.
37. I miss her making me feel complete, and not wanting more.
38. I miss her cause with her in all honesty I didnt want to be with anyone else.
39. I miss her cause I know though she lied to me, she did it so I wont get upset or angry at her.
40. I miss her caring for little things in the world.

41. I miss her running away each evening when either her Mom or Dad would call.
42. I miss her talking to my family about me, and they knew I am fine then.
43. I miss waiting for hours for her to finally come home.
44. I miss planning where all we would go and what we would do.
45. I miss her getting angry at me.
46. I miss the feeling that we would spend this lifetime together
47. I miss trying to make her understand why I dont like her wearing what she wears at times.
48. I miss her coming with me to Peter Dias, or her talking to him.
49. I miss her eyes without lenses, and how it makes me weak when I lok into them.
50. I miss waking her up for college.

51. I miss her making me coffee in the morning when she did.
52. I miss arguing with me for the cooler place on our bed.
53. I miss her telling me not to drive fast, and telling others how safe she felt in my car with me.
54. I miss her fighting with me and trying to sleep outside in the living room only for me to come and get her inside.
55. I miss how it burnt me inside when you gave your attention to others though I always tried to play it cool.
56. I miss her playing with her fish (The gold fish and the bowl)
57. I miss her showing me her new clothes whenever she bought them.
58. I miss her telling me she loved me without saying a word about it.,
59. I miss us how we could never even drop eachother off.
60. I miss caring for her more than anything.

61. I miss feeling that my life had a meaning with her.
62. I miss her there for Diwali in Donis' house when all she did was hold me for hours and hours.
63. I miss driving all the way to Goa with me.
64. I miss jumping for room to room when I always lost our room key.
65. I miss her in her sweet bikini playing in the sand next to me.
66. I miss walking with her on the beach.
67. I miss sitting with her on the beach and talking about nothing endlessly.
68. I miss her throwing her tantrum, and then getting upset cause she did.
69. I miss taking her to Prerna's place and wait for her, though I made faces it was still nice to take her out.
70. I miss her Jumping when "Gerrad Scored!!" or when Torres did.

71. I miss her waking me up, when I would fall off to sleep for no reason.
72. I miss the way she would eat with a Zillion spices.
73. I miss coming home to her.
74. I miss calling her from office when I am bored or troubled.
75. I miss happy nature, and her being positive about everything;.
76. I miss her telling me what all she wanted in her life.
77. I miss her talking about Charlie and Cezar and Calcutta, she alwasy seemed so happy about it.
78. I miss her taking me arounf the colony on her bike though I was pertified.
79. I miss her confidence and faith in life.
80. I miss her putting wierd nail polish and stinking up the huse.

81. I miss her taking her own pictures form the camera.
82. I miss her collection of womens magzines, and how she would get excited to see a new one.
83. I miss her complaining about Mom and Dad and then 10 mins later telling me why she loves them nonetheless.
84. I miss her innocence and her devilness at the same time.
85. I miss how she knew excatly what I would like and what I wouldn't
86. I miss her smell and the way her kisses mean so much.
87. I miss making love to her and holding her close.
88. I miss her wearing my T Shirts I always thought she looked super in those.
89. I miss her meeting Rahim with me.

90. I miss her making me always stop for MoMo's at Dorabjees.
91. I miss her telling me stories of Meerkut Manor.
92. I miss her leaving the Tap on the shower position so I would get soaked !!
93. "Na Samaj Doggie Tumne Mujhe Cartoon Bana Diya Booga Booga Booga"
94. I miss her asking me to come out and watch movies with her, what would I not pay now for it
95. I miss her choosing things for the house with me.
96. I miss her telling me what all needs to finxed in the house.
97. I miss her shouting at me when I would not have lunch.
98. I miss her sharing my happiness and my sadness.
99. I miss everything about her, the good, the bad, the ugly, the pain, the joy, the laughter, the sadness, the tear everything.
100. I miss you, June.

What am I fighting for.

Yesterday I met her in the evening. The past week she had been leaving me msgs on my GTalk so I thought I would finally call her after a few weeks and since it was Monday, I thought it was good enough to talk to her. So I did, and she said we could meet in the evening.

We go out drive around a bit and talk generally about how the weekend was and where all each of us partyed etc. Go to the fuel pump, and to buy the cats food, and kept the conversation light. I picked her up form the cafe' again and dropped her off there after an hour or so.

Well the positive, was the she was happy to drive around, and for once she herself said we could keep driving longer and we did till she was getting late. She herself offered to go out and get the cat food when I asked her to sit and wait till I did so. She seemed happier than me to see me and wasn't really angry at all. Said I could call her anytime, but not too much, and on her phone itself.

The negative, well I guess this was all inside me or all because I expected too much secretly I guess. I mean I knew when I went there I would be giving her space and not touching her or coming close and I did exactly that. But yes I did want to kiss her and hug her but its OK that's not a privileged I have now. Before leaving we hugged and said bye.

But what has changed, I feel something inside me is changing. I mean after yesterday, I realized that what I really miss is My June, the June who lived with me and who loved me endlessly. I don't miss this woman sitting in my car, and no I don't want to go out and make the effort to make her feel whatever she wants to feel. I mean I am honest and I don't want to play games to be with someone, I believe that love should be enough, but sometimes I guess Love is just not enough. I also have to ask what I really want if I want June she would never be back how she was unless it is way way after wards in life. She will never move in with me unless I marry her, and we will never be able to travel like we did and nor would we be able to be with each other like we did so really what am I looking for? what am I fighting for? When I know that what we shared will never come back to how it was. Yes it can be different and more beautiful, but it wont be the same.

What do I write?

What do I write? What has changed what is new? Really Nothing at all. The weekend came and went, I was out both nights and slept all day during the day, each night I missed her and each day I prayed for her to maybe call or send me a note saying hello. But no, none so whatsoever. Last she left me a msg on Saturday on GTalk, but I had to setp out so I simply replied, "I have to go if you wanna talk you can call me." But I know she won't call for atleast a few months, but I know I wait and hope in vain.

What is hope?
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."

I will leave the post to just that. Cause it says more than I have to write about my state, its only Hope that is my ally I thought but after reading the above quote it is the worst possible ally.

Not much left to write.

I haven't written for a few days, thats only because I dot know what to write. Like I wrote before I am exhausted. Exhausted of ideas or even of things to do. I mean she knows I love her and I really do. But now I am helpless, the things she has said and done push me really far from her.

She hugs and kisses me and then tells me they were lies. She calls me a stalker and shouts at me in a restaurant. I give her space she wants and then also I am wrong. She won't even give me her number when she can give it to everyone else. One day she calls me for dinner the next she never wants to keep in touch. One day she is so in love the other so very indifferent.

What can I do really? I want to call her and meet her but now I ask myself where would that lead me to? If I call her what will I gain, she will only call me a stalker or tell me she doesn't want to see me which will put me back to the ground again and will break me. All I can do is hope for her heart to change, I can only hope she finds the love in me that she is looking for, I can only hope that one day she would mean what she says and she would make me believe her words more than saying she loves me.

God only you...

Oh well, another one of those days I guess. I have been depressed since I woke up. Nothing seems to be going right today agian and her thoughts keep haunting me. I have no where to look now, even my friends have given up on me. And I am not even allowed to utter her name to them. And she won't even talk to me.

God only you can help me now, only you. God is the only person I can look to and maybe speak my mind to. Only he knows what we shared and since she is turning a blind eye to it all I only have God who can maybe understand. I look towards him and ask him how much longer is he gonna put me through this. Hasn't it been enough already? I mean I haven't cried so much in my life. And all this for someone I care about. And I believe I am a very normal human, I always try be honest and caring and never have bad intentions of anyone. I never try to even hurt anyone. I don't know what I have done wrong in my life now to be going through. I only loved her and that's all I did. I tried to be there for her whenever she needed me, and tried to give her all that I could. I tried to give her more happiness that even I could get for myself. Really God you know that I was happy to spend the rest of my life with her and God you know she is happy that way too, so why are you playing this cruel game on us both. God you have put her through life just as you have put me through, you have made her lose all faith in 'Love', God you know she is very very loving and caring and she needs to be loved and I love her more than myself. God you know I will never betray or leave her, you know I will always be there for her if she gave me a chance. God you know she can believe in 'Love' once again so why do you push her away so much? Why are you testing either me or her God?

I am grateful to you for giving me all the things I needed and for making me who I am till now, and for taking care of me and of her. God, in my life you have worked in very mysterious way, sometimes you made me lose my faith in you and sometimes you made me believe in you. I have always let a lot of people down, I never knew what I wanted and I always did a lot of wrong. But God finally after many many years after all what everyone went through I though maybe you finally looked upon us and I thought that finally you maybe thought about giving us a lot of happiness. Happiness of progress. God I want a family with her, I love her. God you know that I will never hurt her, so why do you put us through this. God don't make me lose my faith again, don't put me through this again, please God, I need a miracle. I do please help me out.

When you took away my Grandma, I didn't turn to you, I took it as a part of carried on, though everything in my life changed. Then you took my Grandpa away, it was shocking, but still I never turned to you, cause I took that as a part of life too, and carried on. I thought the next step in my life is here. I thought I needed to carry on now and start my family. When I came back here she was there for me, and gave me all the support I needed. Really God, I believed that this was it, that this girl is the one for me who I want to spend the rest of my life with. In that one night I grew up, I grew up all of a sudden. All of a sudden I didn't want to be any rally driver, or any rich man, I just wanted to be a the man for her. That's all I really wanted. Why did you do this to us? Why did you do this to me? and Why did you do this to her? And why are you still doing it? I will never understand any of it.

Exhausted Emotionally.

Well where do I start today? Today I dont even feel like writing in this blog. I mean I somehow feel tired. I mean mentally exhausted. I don't even want to think of her or think of her feelings, or I dont want to analyze anything. I am just sick and really really tired of all this.

Ok I spoke to her, I left a message for her to call. And surprisingly she did call back. I spoke to her for a few minutes and told her I will call back. Then I first went to a card shop bought a sorry card for her and called her back and asked if I could see her somewhere and I had something to give her. She said she just saw me drive past so I should turn around and meet her where she is having her lunch. I met her there with her roommate, and then gave her the card, and asked if I could maybe sit for a bit. And she said ofcourse. But then it started, for the next 20 mins all she did was Shout at me and tell me what all I have done wrong and what all I said that she didnt like and that she wanted to leave town and be gone and wants to never seem me. She was so angry that I could not get thru to her no matter what I said. I excused myself and left for a bit.I went to the card shop again and bought like 10 I am sorry cards and went back and gave it to her. She wasnt really amused but started to calm down atleast. Then we spoke for a bit but her stand didnt change she never wanted to be back in touch.

Then we went for a smoke outside, she was more calm now and atleast spoke to me calmly. And said she is not angry at me anymore and understands it was a misunderstanding, but thought we should not keep in touch because she has had a very harrowing week with me. I agreed, to whatever she had to say, then while walking back I suggested maybe if I would could buy her a magzine, to which she smiled and agreed, it started from there. Then we started to speak like we were much better she was now smiling and seemed much happier. Bought a few magzines, for her and we looked around books, she now left her roomie somewhere. Then she spent more time with me we walked around the mall and looked at things for me and for her. We said we would meet again and maybe do this again. We window shopped and yes we had a nice evening, and she said I can call her on her rommies phone but she would still not give me her number.

Then it was getting late so I told her I needed to go and I left. Later that night, I was told she was out somewhere partying which I didnt really care cause I was doing exactly the same thing just at another night club.

I mean it was a nice evening and all but I really dont know anything. I mean she has started to make me feel really really sick of myself and me in general. I mean I do so much for her, I bend in each way to accomodate her and to make her happy and she really doesn't make any effort in return. I really dont want to be in a relation with somone who treats me like this. really I am tired now.

Chasing Ghosts

Today I am laughing at myself. Really I am. I am laughing at myself, and my how fate is treating me. I mean, let me just recall the last few days.

Thruday, 11 Dec.
She called me over for dinner. I took some flowers for her and went there. Things at frst were wierd for me, but soon enough I became comfortable and so did she. We had a nice time, we went out for a drive kissed a few times, came back and stay together till late nite and it was really nice. I really did have a great evening. And she we made plans to meet the next day.

Friday 12 Dec.
Called her in the evening. She said she would meet me whereever I was at. We met and She came with her roommate and her friends new guy. And I was there with a few friends. Whow She had completly changed. Yes she did look really nice, but changed not in that way, but in her attitude towards me. I mean she couldn't care less if I was there or not. She was completly indifferent. She then wanted to go home, and didnt't really want to even talk much. On the drive home, When I spoke about us, she just mad at me and threw a tantrum. Why does she do that when all she has to do is communicate? She said maybe it was a bad idea to even meet again cause she really doesn't want love at all. She wants me as a friend. She started to cry and simply siad: "See what you do to me.." What did I do, I just said I loved her. I mean, tell me what you feel June, even if you don't just be honest to yourself. The worst of it all was she told me she kissed me cause she didnt want me to feel hurt. Lady wasn't she the one who made contact? Wasn't she the one who cried in my arms a few days back?

Saturday 13 Dec.
we spoke, and she said to call her when I was leaving and tell her where I was going so that if She felt like seeing me she would come there. She knew where I was going anyway. I didn't call her. I went there with my friends and she was there with her. She came and said Hi and that is quite all we spoke about. Before leaving I just said "Bye" and left.

And today I get a message saying nope she now doesn't want to keep in touch again cause I was immature, and was angry at her. Whilst in all honesty I felt she didn't want to be with me. Or really talk or anything. I was never angry I simply said "Bye."

I guess I was writing this blog cause I never understood why we really parted, and cause i really loved her, but now after this one week, that I met her. I realized, yes I am chasing Ghosts. She is not who I love, the one I love died the day she walked out on me. She is not that, this girl I spent time with this week killed her long ago, she is not my June. That June meant her kisses, and that June meant her tears. That June liked the small things in life and was happy to be in love, and loved me. That June dead. I have to stop Chasing Ghosts.

What am I?

Today I dont know what to write here. I mean hell, how long has it been 3 months now, or close to and I have only her in my head and its actually been enough. I'll just write an update of what all has happened and my feeling today here.

Ok, she met me on Tuesday like I wrote in my last post. That dinner we were to have with her Mom hasn't happened yet. She has told me to come by any time today for it whenever I am hungry. I mean if I am hungry I can simply eat at home. Why is she making me feel as though I am waiting to meet her Mom and have dinner there I mean I am fine with just meeting her.

She is only givng me confused siginals and I dont know what to do about it. On one hand I feel hurt she doesnt want me and things are not like how they were. But on the other hand she is atleast making an effort to make things better in a friendly way between us. I mean I dont know how I stand or where I stand all I know if I care about this girl but now I am getting fed up of it.

I just want to know clearly what am I to her? I mean you don't break up with someone who you want to have a future with do you? I want a future with her but she certainly doesn't feel that way about me. There is nothing I can do about it.

Where do I stand.

I finally spoke to her. And she told me she got busy on Monday and when she didn't see my call, she didn't call as she thought I must have been busy. What a joke I feel. She knew very well that I would have been back etc. And yes she did seem a bit eager to meet me yesterday and I told her I was out somewhere so I would se her in a few hours. A few hours after her call I went and met her and we drove around. I just wanted to know I guess what she had in mind. When asked what I did instead, I told her the truth which was I was out to a movie with some (girl)-friends.

At the end of it all this is what I gather from her. I asked her what she wanted and expected from us, as this is really hurting me, as I still love her a lot, and I was confused as to what she wanted. She told me she first wanted us to be friends, she wants to hold me, kiss me and meet me and spend time with me and but she wanted to get in touch as she really missed me, and that she could not take not knowing what I was up to, and said she couldn't deal with not knowing anything about someone she shared everything with for over 2 years.

If asked if she loved me, then she simply said if not why would she come to see me, and ofcourse she did a bit but not like before. She wanted me to be ok, and not be obsessed with her and to not be depressed about the whole thing that had happened between us first, and not to ever look sad to her. She said she doesn't want flowers or gifts or to be shown how much I love her but wants me to be just normal, to be just there for her, she said she knew what she meant to me. She said how can she want everything back she cut me off too for over a month completely, and I replied if you didn't why would you hold me and cry on friday. She had no reply but tears in her eyes, and simply asked me to drop her off.

I told her being friends like this is just going to push moving on for us further, and we should not really meet if she never wants to be with me. She simply said, I never said never ! I dont want it right now.
After which she had to leave, we discussed us a bit more, and she said, I will get everything I want just to give it time and to not ask for it. And then she gave me a big kiss like everything was great and ran off.

I feel, she misses me and thats why she called. But she is not ready to get back together. Hell ! How can she be ready for it when she put me thru it all. She is going thru some amount of guilt or feeling bad about the whole thing, I suspect that 'cause she wants to clarify stuff between us about the times when I got angry or the times when things went wrong, after the break up. She wants me to be ok with the whole thing as if she is justified in her decision of leaving me maybe. She wants her distance as well, because she doesn't give me her new number, but at the same time she wants me to be just there hanging cause she does make some effort to come out and meet me.

She told me she will call me the next day and maybe we can have dinner together with her Mom, lets see if she even calls. I dont know what to do, I mean what can I do? I think I will just see where it goes, she knows very clearly what my intentions are somehow I feel she just needs time to come around....

Rollercoster ride.

Update:

I don't know if I should be happy or sad.On Thrusday she Sent me a msg on IM, I didnt reply for a while, and then I finally did, and then our conversation went from one thing to the other. At first it was really awkard and I wasn't letting out anything but we spoke for almost an hour or so then, and she seemed to be very interested. Then we planned to meet.
I met her outside the cafe after work. She saw me and came into the cry gave me a huge hug and didn't let go for a while, she had tears in her eyes, and said it had been too long. We drove around a bit, kissed and then I dropped her off, and planned to meet next day after her exam for lunch.
We met for lunch, had a nice time, and she even said she is really glad things are back to how they were or atleast now they can be atleast.
I picked her up after her exam, she just said to her friends I had come to get her. They were surprised, we went out to lunch, she came by for a bit to our place to meet her cat etc. Then I was leaving for the weekend to go out of town and went away. We spoke on the weekked, and she said maybe we could do dinner on Monday, I was fine with that. She said she would call and we could fix a plan. Now the problem is that that is supposed to be yesterday. No I got no call, I mean her phone is again off again cause I finally tried to call in the evening to see whats going on.

I really don't even know what I should be feeling. I mean seriously, this is crazy. I don't know what is going on thru her head, at all. Does she even want me ? Why is she acting this way ? What wrong did I do now ? Should I think even if she cares or should I think she doesn't ? Why is she doing this to me ? Should I feel loved or should I feel left out in the cold? I mean one day I have such a nice day she tells me everything is back to how it was and she feels great about it and the very next she acts as if nothing has changed and we are still are two different worlds end. I hate it and I hate being torn, I hate being treated this way by the person I love the most. There are so many others who care for me and are waiting to talk to me but this life is so wierd that the one I want the most doesnt want to talk to me.

Will she even reply?

Humm, its been a weird morning. I have sent the letter and I don't know what her reaction is gonna be.
I feel like the kid in school I was and wrote a letter to my first crush, and wondered how she would take it. And wondered if everything I have written made sense, and more importantly made sense to her. I really don't know what to write I have butterflies in my stomach and I know I will not get a reply for a while if at all. But I am still so eager in hope that it is ridiculous. She has her exams, and I must realize that I am not the only thing on her mind like she is on mine. Which I agree is not a good think for me either, but I really miss her and now after sending her the mail I am even more anxious about what she will write back if at all.

June I really miss you, and I really want to be with you. Just maybe see you and talk to you, or spend an afternoon with you again in the park. Or do anything that you would like, but just spend some time with you. I don't even know how long its been since I really spent time with her. The last tme hugged me was near the taxi before I left for home and yes I miss those times. I miss you. I miss you a lot. And I wonder all the time where you are and what you would be doing or if you ever even think of me, or by now I am forgotten?

My Reply?

June, I had been really hurt and I am trying to get back to being normal. I still have a lot of feelings towards you and I don't think we can ever be able to be just friends. You mean a lot to me and I have shared a lot with you, its hard to be friends now. I have realized my mistakes and our shortcomings, I am willing to work on it, and I am willing to work on everything that was wrong between us. I know things will be very very different than how they were, but it does not have to mean it is for the worse. I can be friends, I mean I can spend time with you, and talk to you, and do things that friends do, but at the end of it all, I will still be in love with you, and would only be friends just to see if it leads us anywhere. I love you but when it comes to you I can't be second best to you. I am sorry.

June, like you said you are young, and you need to be young, and I understand that. At your age I was quite crazy too and I too made a lot of mistakes. And I guess you need to learn that on your own maybe without me, and you need to grow maybe on your own. And you'll do just fine, you are very a strong and positive person, you even took care of me for two years, I am sure you'll do just great. I understand that you had been going through a hard time in your life with your new college, Mom moving here and way I was, I hope things are better for you now. I know you have your exams and you don't need me right now in your life. Just concentrate on your studies because that's your future. I am sure they will be good and I have great confidence in you.

June, I am always there for you and I really care. If you ever need me you know how to get in touch. And this doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. I still love you as much as I ever did. And I still mean every word I have written in each of my emails to you. I still miss your smile, your lips, your eyes without lenses, and you drooling all over the pillow and your laughter, or how nice you looked in the new white top and how peaceful you were when you slept like a baby, or just looking at you playing in the sand in Goa or how you cared for the dogs who had no one. Or even tripping hard with you, or the Diwali we spent together, I'll never forget them, they are very beautiful memories to me and I will always cherish them. They were some of the best times in my life and I won't let go of those. As far as I go I still want to share my life with you, nothing has changed for me, maybe I have just realized myself what you meant to me.

June, this is one of the hardest emails I have ever written to you, but really being friends is just going to bring me more hurt, when I have just picked up the pieces, and it will push moving on for us both further away. If you don't want to love me then I think it's best not to attempt to be just friends yet, cause there is no place more lonely than being next to the person you love the most and not being loved in return. And I still love you a lot.

June, if ever something changes inside you and you feel we can be more than friends, or if ever you think we can maybe talk about us, or want to start over on a different note, or to maybe see if we want to even be with each other let me know. Cause there is nothing I want more than being together again. I feel there is so much unsaid between us even now, and if we would just calmly communicate to each other we could be so much better. If we are a just a bit more understanding and expressive about how we really feel inside, we could be happier than we ever were.

June, we have our differences but if we love each other enough we can make it work, even through it all, and through all that has happened. You can always email me and let me know how you are doing and how things are at your end, again you have my number and a phone isn't far if you ever need to talk. I still love you but its no longer about me or what I want, its about you June, its about if you know what you want. Or if you even want me, I want you like crazy but there is nothing I can do about it, I can't change your heart, I can only change mine.

Again, If you want to meet me or spend time with me to maybe see how we even feel around each other, I'd be more than glad to do that. Cause honestly, I don't even know how I'd will feel when I see you, I mean I love you endlessly, but now its been a very long time since I spent some time with you, or even saw you. Maybe you have changed maybe I have, I don't know.

Now take care of yourself, and nothing matters to you more than yourself, well you matter a lot to me but that's besides the point right now. Really Take Care of yourself you are worth it.

Today has been a bit different

Today has been a bit different. I dont know why. But there is somethng different. I mean, I feel different about her. I don't know if it was the e-mail she sent, or it was the idea of really asking myself, if I want her now. If I want someone who has caused me all this pain and suffering. And left me with no answers and simply walked away. I mean not that she is ever coming back.

After her e-mail, I thought to myself, do I really want to be a 'Friend' of hers? Even if I do, for what? What will I gain out of it? Be a friend of hers just to know she is seeing someone else? Or being her friend when she needs me and nothing about when I need her? Friends need a two way street and not one, a friend can't just walk on someone else's feelings and expect that person to be fine with it. June, she walked away not only on me feelings, but on everything even she stood for. She walked away on whatever even she said to herself too. Do i want a friend like that?

Now coming to lovers, Yes I do want her as that. There is a difference here, I do want to spend the rest of my life still with her, though whatever has happened, I can believe that she was young and didn't know what she wanted. And maybe has learnt a bit now or maybe has realized that I did love her and that we had something nice between us. I don't call a lost person who returns home lost, the same way if she comes back to me I am sure I can believe that she never left in the first place and can yes look past it all.

So I know with her it is everything or nothing.
But now she has to Hit and Hit hard.

"Its not how hard you can hit, its how hard you can get hit"

Kissing the Rain

Today it rained again. More like it poured, and I went and stood on the balcony and just felt the rain on me. It was beautiful. Beautiful to feel alive and beautiful to be able to just love someone.
And kept playing:

Hello...Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you

Hello...Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line? Are you sure you're there alone?
Cuz I'm, Trying to explain.
Somethings wrong, You just don't sound the same.

Why don't you, Why don't you
Go outside, Go outside, Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me, Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long,
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty, Kiss the rain.
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in mind, Were under the same sky
And the nights As empty for me as for you
If you feel, You cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain.


Hello...Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do.
But not the way I'm missing you.

Whats new? Hows the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you,re so far.
Oh would it mean anything,
If you knew, What I'm left imagining
In my mind, My mind,
Would you go, Would you go, Kiss the rain

As you fall Over me Think of me,
Think of me, Think of me, Only me,
Kiss the rain, Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long, If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted, Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in Mind
Were under the same sky, And the nights
As empty for me as for you.
If you feel you cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain

Hello...Can you hear me?

Stop sending I love you e-mails

You mailed me today, and asked me to stop sending you emails that tell you that I love you, to forget all that happened between us. And to maybe start afresh as friends.

Stop sending you mails telling you I love you, that will be hard to do cause I do love you a lot stll, I dont know if you asked me to stop cause you don't believe me or cause you feel uncomfortable when someone tells you that I don't know. Maybe it has painful memories attached to it thats why you ask me not to say it. I don't know, maybe you are just fed up of it all and hate reading it I dont know. I leave the benefit of the doubt to you.

To forget all that has happened between us. Yes I can forget all the bad times, especially towards the end. But not it is not possible for me to forget all the better times and all the times when we were happy together. I am not a person who believes that my time spent with you was a waste or was not worth it, and that I need to forget it. No thats not what or who I am. I loved the time we spent together, and those were some of the best days of my life I am not willing to forget those. I will never forget those. Those will stay with me forever.

To start afresh as friends. June I will do anything, anything to make things better between us, yes I love you and if that means being a friend of yours even though it will hurt me and I would always want to be much more than that to you, I will try and I will try to be there for you whenever you need me. I just hope someday you will see that we are maybe happy together and that we can have a much better tomorrow than we ever did.


Yes this is another confusing mail, I really dont know what she is thinking. I feel is she is thinking a bit like me, she knows that we will never be the same and even if we have to things will be very very different now in every which way. We will never be able to live together and the whole thing would be very different. She nor I, don't know what to do or how to go about it. I feel she wants to meet, but when the time comes she is not sure or afraid like me as to what would happen and would rather not face it. She wants to make contact but doesn't know how to cause that would mean going back on all what she stood for. How can she give me her new number or call me when all this while she has been fighting so hard to keep me away. How can she even admit to herself that she is actually missing me even if she is? That is going against all she stood for in the past 2 months? Love is complicated, and so is life. I know we both are threading a very very fine line, we have lost each other now we don't even know how to get back even if we want to.

A New Month..

A new month. Does it change anything? I certainly do hope so. I still miss her a lot. This weekend was hard on my, I spent time outside so that I think of her less but that just made me think of her more. We even went back to the place where we last met and fought, somehow it didn't seem all that bad now.

But the weekend. I think I must have prayed to God for hours. I dont think I have does so in my entire life, I prayed that somehow she would think of me or maybe miss me even for a second and would reach out to me. Even God must have become tired of me praying, I feel. I didn't really know she meant so much to me.

Yes I would still do anything she asks of me to have her back in my life. Though she has caused me so much pain, anger and hurt, I am sure she has her reasons and as long as she has them and are justified to her I am no one to judge her. I just love her and still love her a lot. And yes I am willing to look past it all for her to just hold me once again.

I though that love like this did not exist in me, or that I was not capable of loving like this anymore, but now I know I was so very wrong. Everyone can love again and everyone can feel hurt and pain just like the first time each time it is up to us to see it and realise it when its there and to cherish it when it is there, unlike me when I had it the most beautiful thing in the world I let it all slip away, more like I threw it away.

I have no one to turn to and no one to try and explain myself to, she was the only other person who knew all what we shared, and she now turns a blind eye to it all. So I only have God to look to and ask for help and pray that she is happy and that maybe just maybe one day we will be better together. God please help me and help her, God please forgive me, God......

What are my options

What are my options? Really what are my options?
I have already cried as much as I could.
I have fought the feeling as much as I could.
I have denied it for as long as I could.
I have missed her as much as I could.
I have prayed as much as I could.
I have thought about her as much as could.
I have pretended she is just away for as long as I could.
I have angered her as much as I could.
I have mailed her as much as I could.
I have tried to reach out to her as much as I could.
I have tried to call her as much as I could.
I have begged her and God as much as I could.
What are my options really what else can I do?

I can't call her, I dont know where.
I can't mail her, she doesnt reply.
I can't send flowers she might take it wrongly.
I can't call friends she will take it as stalking.
I can't show up at her place that will scare her more.

I can just think about her, but where will it get me.
I can talk to her inside me, but that will make me crazy.
I can think of better times, but that will only make me miss her more.
I can only pray to God that maybe someday she will come back.

Crying a sign of weakness..

Why is crying a sign of weakness. God how long is this gonna take? Is been over months and I still miss her nonetheless. God why me? Why this to us? What did I do wrong God I just loved her, I innocently just loved her. Thats all I did, I never cheated, I never lied, I never even really spend time with another girl or did any such thing.

I tried to keep her comfortable and happy and gave her all I could. God why did you do this to us? I can only ask you, and no one else? Even you have stopped to answer to me now, I dont know who to look forward to or who to ask these questions, God only you knew what we had shared she doesn't even seem to know or seems to have forgotten it all. God I know she is not so cruel or heartless please God let some love rise in her please God Just let her know I still care and love her even though all this has happened.

I know I feel very very selfish in this regard when there are hundereds of people dead around the country I ask for my love. I just dont know what to say or do. I am helpless. I didnot make any false promises to her and nor do I wish her bad, I just miss her and want only good for her.I miss her so much, but what can I do God, please help me.

I go back to the sight from the plane when I saw the city of New Dlehi below me, it was huge and I thought to myself, in such a huge world with so many millions of people where would God ever listen to me or my prayers. There are so many many people and everyone of them has a story that will make you cry, so why me and why would he listen to my prayers? But still I pray and ask only you for forgiveness for whatever wrong I have done to deserve days like these. I miss her and I love her a lot but I don't think I have to tell you or anyone that, I just hope she realizes that and comes around some day.
I miss her.

Want you back.

..What do I expect from her?
Ok I have told her and I have told myself what all I am willing to change
and what all are my faults, but am I ok with whatever she is giving me now? Or coming to think of it what does she really have to offer to me now? What is that she can say or do to make things how they were or to make things better? What do I need to get over the hurt and pain?
Yes I realize that it is not gonna be one amazing phone call and nor is it going to be one amazing meeting either.

Maybe like it was time that has brought me here it will be only time which can maybe get us back together if at all. And yes a lot of time. We need to be really calm or I need to be really calm and forgiving of it all. Time I hope will not separate us but bring us together.

Yes in all honesty I might be able to look beyond all the pain that has been caused to start over again, but it is not gonna be easy and maybe it is just wishful thinking. But yes I am willing to start over with her. I miss her, and no I didn't quite know what she meant to me till after she left me. Though now it is gonna be harder than even to be with her I am still willing to do so. My love for her was never conditional to the fact that I will be loved in return by her or I will be cared by her or that she would ever want to be with me, all that is just hope and it still is just that 'Hope', I love her thru it all, all the pain all the anger and all the lies. I still do, I somehow believe she had her reasons for treating me like the way she has done.
All she has to do is call me and if ever just hold me like she used to and I am sure in an instant all the pain she has ever caused will be wiped away. I miss you my baby I really miss you. And I do really want you back still nonetheless.

Just another day without you...

...I don't know if it is getting any easier.I mean yes it is getting easier, I have realized that, my tears or feeling sad is not going to get me any where it has been months now I guess and I still miss her nonetheless but now at least I am crying or sad about it. At least I am trying to keep busy and moving on. But do I really want to move on?

..She let me a little note day before saying she missed me too, but I don't know what to make of it. I miss her like hell but how can I tell her that now. When she has asked me to stay away form her and has told me she doesn't want to keep in touch. I don't even have the strength to reply to her as I am just scared of being more hurt. I dont think she has anything to say that I would like to hear. And I too really don't know what I want to hear, that could make things better. Infact I don't even know what better is.

...I think I need to first know what I want. Before I can even think of wanting her back. Do I really want someone who left me the way she did back in my life? Do I really want her to be behaving the why she is right now towards me and I would be fine? Do I want her to be the way she has already gone back to ? Do I still see her as the same June who walked out of the door, breaking all your dreams? Do I want June really back after all she put me through? Do I ? Do I realize that even if she did want to get back with you things will never be the same? She will never be able to live with you and will always have her Mom to deal with and her issues? Things will never be the same as what they were do I really want her? Or do I really just want my comfort zone?

Goodbye My Lover..

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

...(James Blunt)

I am still lost and confused...

I don't know where to start,
I am still lost and confused as to why we had to part.

There is so much I want to say, but its all that you have already heard.
There is not much to say, cause now you don't believe my word.
There is not much to do as its all been done.
There is much I could try but it will all be undone.

I wish I can reach out to you, but you'll say its too late.
I wish I can reach out to someday cause for me its never to late.
I wish someday there would be a better time and place,
Where you could be my Saving Grace.

You have left me so helpless I don't know what to do,
You have left me with no choice but to not get in touch with you.
You left me with nothing but your memories,
You left me with nothing and those memories I now keep.

I want to call you and hear your voice, and know how you are,
I don't know why you have pushed all that we had so far.
I want to touch you, and see you and look deep inside,
I know there is place where we used to hide.

I thought we would be always together, I thought we never lied.
I thought we both knew how we really felt inside.
I thought we would never part, and I thought this was just the start.
I thought we really cared, and you knew what we shared.

You gave me comfort when I cried,
You wiped my tears when they could not hide.
You gave me strength when I was weak,
You gave me happiness, you made me feel complete.

I hope one day things will be better, and the sun will shine.
I hope maybe someday you would be mine.
I hope you would call and make things right
I hope you would one day make it bright.

I don't know where to end, just as I didn't know where to start
I am still lost and confused as to why we had to part.

Wrong side of the bed.

..I guess it is one of those days again where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or had a dream about her. Yes it is hard to accept that the person I loved so dearly is now way out of my life. This morning I woke up and it was the same again, just thinking where she would be how she is and wondering if she even thinks of me now. Its hard to imagine two people so in love that they gave up everything whilst together and now nothing in the world can even get them to talk. June why have you gone so far away, I still miss you, you know and I still miss yo just the same.

Today is just gonna be one of those days when I know I am gonna miss her, they always start like this. It gets colder here each day and her warm smile I really miss. I miss her sleeping when I wake up. I miss her drool all over the bed. I miss her grinding her teeth when she slept, though I tried to stop her from it. I miss her two hours of getting ready and her just trying to straighten her hair. I miss her grumpy-ness when she is hungry, and I miss her shouting at me and telling me how to spend my money. I miss how she would love to be on the computer and we would have to fight to play on it. I miss her putting on new clothes and getting happy about it. I miss her, I miss doing all the dumb things in the house, and her innocent laughter, I miss her so much, I miss my little baby.. I just can't tell her though :-( Its amazing how the little things that would annoy you about a person now become the very things that one really misses.

I can write in all my posts/blogs how much we were not meant for each other, but that's to keep me strong. There is only her and I who knew what we had shared and no one else. No one else will ever understand what she means to me and even through all this hurt and pain she has caused me and is causing me I still love her nonetheless. No it wasn't love at first sight or anything like that, we fell in love with each other in time slowly and once we did or I can at least say it for me there was no looking back.

Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. Wherever you are, if you need me I am always there. Wherever you are, I will still love you. To me it is still not easy to let go, maybe I never will and will always have a place for you I don't know. As of now we are not even allowed to really tell each other how we even feel. If you had only know how much I loved you, and if maybe even I had known what you meant to me earlier in time maybe just maybe we will not be this way today. I not longer expect anything so much so that we will ever even meet properly, but I do sincerely hope for so much more.

Now it is all lost, and like the waves come and wash the sands, I too am waiting for all my dreams to get washed away. I just don't know why we build things that we feel can't last?

The hard truth.

Someone today told me this:
"You had an adult love for a young woman who was not mentally capable of reciprocating that mature pragmatic adult love. "
I thought this is so thru so I though of making this a post here.
Thats all I have to ponder on all night I guess. And today I ahve been much stronger than before not one tear in this city and in this house. I dont know if its just the first day back or am I really healing, whatever it is I will try and think of her as less as possible. As each day goes I gradually realise maybe why she left and maybe why she didn't see anything right between us. She was simply too young I guess, but nonestheless more mature than me.

Back form vacation

I got back from vacation. I was on NC and when I get back and check my e-mail there is a short & sweet mail from her. She had actually sent it on the day I was leaving. It was a e-mail telling me she missed us (me and the pets.) and she told me how busy she had been with her exams and stuff. She wanted to know about me, where I went what I was up to. And thanked me for my previous mails saying they were sweet..

Now I don't know what to do. Or think about this mail. I know she has really moved on.
And so should I.

I have come back, and yes I did miss her a lot and thought about her all the time. Even so much so that somehow I hoped she would see me somewhere at the airport or wished inside that she would somehow come to get me, though that would never happen in a million years. Some part of me didn't even want to come back to this town as I knew I would start to miss her like hell again. And it started before the flight even landed...

No there is nothing in the mail suggesting that she would like to ever meet or anything.
I don't know what to do, I want to write back to her, but don't know what to say. Or don't know how she would even react. I even want to send her flowers and wish her luck for her exams, but I don't know if that might be a bit too much. Should I give it a few more days? She knew I am out of town and its been 5 days now. So what to do..?

In all honesty whatever she did, I am sure she had her reasons and if she ever wants me back I am willing to look past all the pain she gave me. I just hope it is not too late for either of us by then..

I hate this house

I really do hate my house. I hate living here. This place haunts me. My flight is delayed by 2 hours and in all honesty I didn't want that. I am sitting here and weeping more like weeping again. I would have rather left on time or stayed in office than to come home just to sit and cry. I don't believe this at all. This is not me, I was never this way. I was much better than this. I have loved and lost love before it was painful but it was never this way.

What kills me most is that she chooses to treat me like this. She stays 10 mins away, if I want I can simply go there but what will it give me. She will probably run further than she already is. I dont want to scare her. I just need to see her or talk to her, its been over 3 weeks when we really spent time now. And over a week since I called her, and this is the same person I lived with almost everyday for over 2 years. She can remember all the bitter memories for her to make it easy, but to me it is not this way. To me love was never even bitter, I maybe miss her cause I think of the better times. I always believed that if two people loved eachother they could awlays wor things out. They just need to be open and put their egos aside and simply talk openly. For us for some reason we would end up fighting instead of being calm that was the biggest threat to us I knew all along.

I feel so helpless. I dont want to call her friends for a message more like I shouldn't. I can't go see her. I can't send flowers she will probably send them back, as a thought of manuplation. God what do I do, I feel this shiver inside of me throughtout, that makes me feel very uncomfortable and queezzy. I feel this emptiness without her that I had never known existed. I can only look to God and pray. God please help us both and keep us both happy.

There is no one else in this world who knows what we shared. I dont think there will every be anyone else who will know. Only me and her, Why is she so blind to see that we had our share of bad times, but we did have our share of good times as well. No I could not afford to give her gifts, or take her out much and I found peace and happiness in having an evening with her rather than partying and getting drunk. I understand now that she is young and it is important for her to act young. But we would travel and we go to different places and have a great time there. I dont know if I will ever get a second chance to make it up to her.

If somehow I could just reachout to her and she would just listen and open her heart once. And would not refrain from telling me her real feelings, her real reasons, I would just sit and listen endlessly, and would work on making her life better first, then maybe if she would let me maybe then work on making things better between us. For some wierd reason I get a lot of peace in just knowing she is doing fine, and in helping her with whatever she needs. There was a time when she needed and me she made me feel that way, and when I could work on her needs, those were some of the best days in my life. I dont know where along the way we lost ourselves, but if she is demanding from me now to not call her and to not keep in touch, though it kills me a bit each day I will have to refrain. I can just hope that one day she will come around or somehow this 'IF' would happen. I really have no choice left to reach out to her.

I miss her, and I hope where ever she is and whatever she is doing she is happy and taken care off and treated right. She is a girl who doesn't realize how special she is and what she is worth. I just hope she doesn't end up getting hurt. I miss her.

A Horrid Night

Humm, last nite I came to terms with the fact that she doesnt want me at all.
There was no phone call from her and her phone is still off. Yes I have to now give up. I have nothing else left, now the tears that I cry also have started to question as to why I am sheding them, as I know, that no matter how much I cry, or Pray or talk to friends or try to get in touch with her, she is gone, she has really gone now. Its been since end of September that I have been this way things started to break apart then, until then we had problems but I thought we could make it thru, now when I look back I see that it is actually over for her maybe even before that. And after that I have just been wasting my time and energy in trying to make things work.

Last nite, I had the worst sleep ever, I dont know what it was, if it was the anxiety of going travelling or the acceptance of losing her. I woke up several times, but I couldn't remember the dreams at all, all I could gather was that I had been weepinig. It happened numerous times I think about 4 times, and it was horrible, I had to force myself to sleep.

Generally I wake up and miss her and miss her while going to bed, but last night was horrid.
Maybe because I was expecting her call and tried to be strong till I could, as she had said that and a big part of me believed that. But I should have remembered how ugly it got towards the and and she doesn't really want to keep in touch.

Yes I broke the NC and wrote a letter to her to say bye, I guess I am not too sure where my life
is going to take me next. I am going out of this city for now, and I know coming back here will be horrid again,so I dont know. I will try to find other options in my life, for work and for moving on in my life. I will really miss her, but I miss a lot of things. But now life will have to go on...

Phases of dealing with loss.

Today I was reading up on the phases of losing someone for whatever reason.
And I googled up the following and which I can relate to.

1. Numbness:
I guess I went thru this initially when she left I just didnt know how to react and she kept coming back and going. This was really hard on me as I couldnt figure out what was going on.
I knew she wanted to leave but she also wanted to stay, she could not even look me in the eyes and say she wanted to leave. I was just numb I couldn't do anything, I could not work or go back to my hobbies. I just needed to make things right at that point in time.

2.Denial & Isolation:
I went thru this as well, this is when and just before I went on vacation and came back from Bhopal while diwali, I spoke to her often while there and just before leaving as if things were fine and she had just gone on a break or something for sometime.

3.Anger:
For me this and 4. came in together and stayed for sometime.
I was really angry at her for doing this to me just before I felt for home, and the weekend I saw her at Stone water. I at first we had a nice conversation but then I got really mad at her and raised my voice for still lieing to me. I realise now it was over way before for her than then. Only to me in my world we had to tell eachother the truth.

3.Depression:
Yes this is the most painful one this started the day of me leaving town for Bhopal (home)
I was really depressed there. She completely stopped responding to me. I knew it was over and I dint know what to do about it. I am still going thru this. I cant do anything at times. I just sit and stare at an empty inbox in gmail or stare at my phone endlessly. I know there is nothing there to wait for but I still do so in vain...

4.Acceptance:
I am going thru this now. Or I do hope so soon as I have been depressed long enough.
I am coming to trems with her loss, havent spoken to her for almost 10 days now. But still a day doesn't go by when I dont shed a tear for her.

The rest is yet to come so lets see how it goes...

My Story.

Its been about close to a month now for my break up and initially it was really bad for me.
We lived together for over 2 years. She was/is a college student and I am a Techi.
The first time we met eachother we were head over heels in love and moved in together almost
instantly. And since then we shared everything together. She travelled with me and met my family
we had a lot of good times together. Both our parents and entire family lived out of town,
so for the past 2 years and eachother wasall we had.

We built our little home together, and it was very nice. We switched apartments, etc. Her Family was
not aware that she lived with me, they knew we are seeing eachother, as she is from a more consertive family, and maybe her being only 21 could be another reason. I am 27, my family supported us whenever we needed it in every which way and we were happy.

I am not saying that it was smooth sailing through out out 2 years, but yes we had our share of fights and differences and we always made up and things were great. In July/August she got into another school for MBA in the same city and I we were happy that we could continue this. More so I believe I was also some part of the reason she chose to continue studying in this city or could be just she wanted to away from family as well. Her parents are going thru a divorce or unsettlement right now and I dont feel they are the best influence on her either. She is the only child and I have seen the toll it takes on her, while she was with me.

The one day in August she told me her Mom is moving back and she needs to live with her as she doesnt have a choice. She is too young and cant support herself and was underpressure. Initially I could not understand this and told her this would not work out if it is going to be that way. Yes I know I was being unreasonable. Then she found a house close to where I stayed she told me so that it is easier for us to meet, or maybe cause it was a better part of the town I dont know now.

Then before her Mom even moved in she started wanting to spend her time there than at 'Our'. Which ofcourse I failed to understand, and could never comprehend her choices. She would just say it is closer to her college.

EveryNight she spent away killed me slowly by slowly I cried all the nights and whenever I woke up alone.
I could just not stand that. She told me she needed some space and time and had a lot on her mind with
College, her Mom moving back and her Family separating.

Then following one saturday night we went out together to a friends place. I think Oct 18th or so.
And the she again insisted that I drop her to her place instead of going to 'Ours'. By then I knew she has no college the next day and I couldnt quite understand her decission. So I dropped her back to her place and I didnt want to go home to our place where there will be no one and I would just sit and cry alone on her decission, so I went back to the party. And then after an hour or so I got a call from her saying that she was at our place and she didnt want to be with me.

In the next few days her Mom moved in as she said she would. I tried calling her she would speak to me but didnt want to really talk about anything. And kept asking me to move on. Kept telling me to leave her be and didnt want to do anything together anymore.

The next weekend I was going away on Vacation for a week to meet my family.
I told her I needed to see her and talk to her before I felt, as I really missed her, that week as far as I remember I cried all day and couldnt even come to work most days I know I was doing the worst things possible.
I would try calling her till she got fed up and answered. I begged her to see me and threw my self to the ground for her but she didnt respond. Then the night before I was to leave she finally decided to see me and come over for a while.

We spent the entire evening quite nicly, until it was time for her to leave. I broke down, I mean literally,
I howled to her and and begged her for a chance I did all I could it was horrible. She promised to see me the next day if I stopped and if I took a hold of myself, she would drop me off to the station and miss her morning lecture.The next day I bought some flowers and met her in the morning, she was late but thats ok she was there atleast. We went out to lunch it was nice, and we had some decent conversation. We went home kissed a bit and hugged alot and nothing more.

I went home a week went we spoke on the phone at times. But now she started taking my phone calls as stalking her !! And said to me she doesnt want to talk to me and that it is over between us. I could not understand the change of behaviour again. She said to me I scared her away last weekend when I broke down and begged her and she didnt want myself to physically hurt myself or kill myself or something thats why she helped me over the weekend and dropped me off till I got home. Then one day she told me not to call her at all.

I came back on 2nd November. Spoke to her and said she would take time out for me and meet me for dinner.
When the time came she was already out with her mom and asked to meet me the next day.
The next day came I called and asked for 15 mins for coffee and she said she was too busy,
but finally came for a few minutes. We had coffee and it was a bit emotional, we didnt really speak much
more as if I dint have much to say. She had a huge smile when she walked in and was actually happy to see me but I guess this time I wanted some answers to questions I didnt know. She left and after that whenever I have called she said to me she need time and space for herself. And that we had nothing left to talk about. I still kept trying to get in touch with her, I sent flowers, and emailed her each day cause I really did miss her. I kept trying to get thru inside to this girl I shared everything with but now it started to look harder and harder eachday.

She didnt see me that entire week. She told me her exams are coming and she has no time.
We would talk but now I could feel she was just trying to make convesration as she knew else I would simply call back or something. Then on the 8th Nov we were to go for a common friends wedding. I sent her an SMS asking her if she could come as it would mean a lot to the friend, and I will not talk about us or anything and would keep the event really short. She replied she is not too well and would like to study. I was fine with that I didnt go either then. I went out with some friends, then to a club to grab a beer. I was there for about 2 hours after which she shows up there!! I have no clue with whom either. At first we have a decent converstaion but she was with someone else, I mean having a conversation.But after the other guy left I dont know what happened to me. I am not the kind of guy who blows his top of but this time I for once got angry at her for lieing to me she could have just told me she didn't want to see me, or wanted to somewhere else. I got quite mad and walked out the bar.

We ofcourse had a big fight over the phone then, she said she could be out with whoever she wants etc and I have no right to ask her where she is or anything. Infact she doesnt even have to tell me any truth if she doesnt want to. Then finally she called the next evening (Sunday 9th Nov) and said she didnt want to end things on a bad note and explained to me who that guy was etc and that she needed time and had exams and that she would talk to next Tuesday as she had exams till then.

That was the last conversation I had with her. After which she put her phone off till a few days ago.
I emailed her thruought the week, and in vain till on thrusday when she replied:
"read some of ur messages. they're really sweet. i am not angry or hate you. exams are on. am busy. take care"

After which I emailed her saying

"I hope you are fine and your exams are going good.
As far as I go you can imagine how I am, I was quite shattered but now
slowly have gathered the pieces I guess and am learning to live without you.
Though it is still hard and often I am thinking about you, but thats life I just feel that
I have woken up from a bad nightmare or something. And I simply have to carry on.
I am sure with time it will all be over and we would have drifted away like so many people who
loose love, and will again live to find it one day............."

I have not gotten anything back nor have I emailed her after that.

I went to another city this weekend to meet some friends so that I dont think of her and for
counselling. I have not spoken to her now for over a week or so..And I do not have the courage to go thru any more phone calls where she will tell me anything rude or anything that will bring more hurt.
Today is when her exams are to be over and tomorrow I am going travelling again to a National Park with Family all so that I can keep my mind off her for another. I dont know what to do I have half dialed her number a few times but can't gather the courage.

Today I started this blog...

...Today I started this blog on following some advice from Loveshack ie. the following thread.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170442/

If you want to know more about my story you can read it there.
To give you the jist of it. I was in love with the sweetest girl in the world and I let it all slip away right in front of my eyes. We lived together for 2 years and we had a lot of ups and downs but they were the best days of our lives.