A Horrid Night

Humm, last nite I came to terms with the fact that she doesnt want me at all.
There was no phone call from her and her phone is still off. Yes I have to now give up. I have nothing else left, now the tears that I cry also have started to question as to why I am sheding them, as I know, that no matter how much I cry, or Pray or talk to friends or try to get in touch with her, she is gone, she has really gone now. Its been since end of September that I have been this way things started to break apart then, until then we had problems but I thought we could make it thru, now when I look back I see that it is actually over for her maybe even before that. And after that I have just been wasting my time and energy in trying to make things work.

Last nite, I had the worst sleep ever, I dont know what it was, if it was the anxiety of going travelling or the acceptance of losing her. I woke up several times, but I couldn't remember the dreams at all, all I could gather was that I had been weepinig. It happened numerous times I think about 4 times, and it was horrible, I had to force myself to sleep.

Generally I wake up and miss her and miss her while going to bed, but last night was horrid.
Maybe because I was expecting her call and tried to be strong till I could, as she had said that and a big part of me believed that. But I should have remembered how ugly it got towards the and and she doesn't really want to keep in touch.

Yes I broke the NC and wrote a letter to her to say bye, I guess I am not too sure where my life
is going to take me next. I am going out of this city for now, and I know coming back here will be horrid again,so I dont know. I will try to find other options in my life, for work and for moving on in my life. I will really miss her, but I miss a lot of things. But now life will have to go on...