Maybe that's why I now feel lost.

I don't know what to write. I guess most of my entries in this blog start that way. The only thing that has changed since I started to write this blog is that in someway she has managed to reduce the pain and anger I had inside of me for the break up. I mean I am still hurt and feel that every time she maybe turns away from me, but in someway she shows me that she cares for me, maybe I am blind or I am wrong but nowadays she in some way does make a bit of an effort to understand me, or my side. Maybe in time she as accepted that I am actually sorry for everything and that I am not what she made me out to be. I really don't know but yes I must say I am happier than I was a few months ago. Still very lost though, to have lost her to the world but glad to realize that she at least comes to see me if I am unwell, or gets me home cooked food when I am sick, and that she at least cares, for the life we shared.

I know I can tell her how I feel about her all my life and all day and that wont do no good. I realize that all I have to do is be there for her all the time endlessly and just give her the time she needs. She needs time to trust me again, to again feel secure and to feel that I am not there in her life to hurt her but there in her life to be there for her always, to help her out with everything she needs, and to understand her and to not argue, to give her the things she needs and not just love. She needs time to overcome all the notions she has made about me in her head to get over me, I must understand I did cause her pain and anger, and in some way I did not show her or make her feel that special.

Now there are some things which she says she wants off me, and they are not only for her good but for mine too, she wants me to work on the things I have promised her, like being more careful about my money, like working out and working on my health, to get a better job so I can be independent and do the things we always wanted to. Which of course I should accept as they are the things even I always wanted.

The only thing that keeps me still going is hope, and really each day I only look forward to the moment I am with her, and the days that I don't see her I really can't figure out why that day existed. I mean while we were together too, I was not so happy with my work, and I know I never made her feel that way but really each day I really did look forward to coming home to her, and getting a hug or holding her. Everyone knows me, and no one expected me to stay in Pune and work, but no one knows that the inspiraton I had, that kept me going each day to office was her, was the fact that each day that I woke up and looked at her sleeping beside me, it gave me a reason to be here, it gave me a reason to work, it answered all my questions of what I wanted to be and why I was here. I wanted to be with her, hers' and I was here for her, to be there for her cause she needed me too just as much as I needed her. Each morning I would kiss her gently so that she might not wake, or break her dream. I guess thats why mornings are the hardest for me, I still find myself looking at her side of the bed which has been empty for many months now.

Maybe that's why I now feel lost.

Baby Can I hold you tonight..

Sorry, Is all that you cant say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like sorry like sorry

Forgive me, Is all that you cant say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like forgive me forgive me

But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time you'd be mine

I love you,
Is all that you cant say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like I love you I love you

-Tracy Chapman.

Why am I here?

Why am I here? Why in this city? Why in Pune? Today has been a bit hard on me, and I have just been questioning the reason for me to choose to live in this city. maybe it is because my room mate is also leaving for good and most of the people I knew or used to hang out with have already left. Am I here for this job that I am so bored of and doesn't pay for anything? No not really I had had enough of it long ago. And no I do not see myself here in this company for even another year so why am I here?Am I here for my fish? Am I here cause of Tinker? Or my car? Am I here cause I have a lot of friends? Am I here cause I am in love with this city? Am I here cause I have a family here? Am I here cause I have maybe one other who cares about me here? Do I have one other person I can go to in case something happens to me? Am I here cause I am happy?

Am I here for June? Well I was I had a lot to live for before when things were better between us, and I had hoped for so much more. Even after it was over to me in some way maybe it wasn't that's why I chose to stay maybe i could not accept it then that it was over and that's why I could not leave but now I am better, better in the sense at least I have come to terms with the break-up and have accepted that it is done with and realized that no matter what I do now it will never be there again. The person and the life i loved and lived is all lost now and it nothing but a memory that at times haunts me. But I am stronger now.

I need to move on. I can't keep fooling myself each day, I can't keep fooling myself. At the end of the day I am running away form myself, I am just trying to pass each day in hope that tomorrow maybe better, trying to keep myself busy that maybe in time she would make that call and try to make things better but I am only fooling me cause neither that call will ever come nor can things be ever made better. I can't simply pass each day living in hope, only I know how my life has been, even a few months before I started to write this stupid blog. Only I know the number of tears I cried, only I know the days when I would stand in the cold rain just maybe trying to feel alive and shouting cause I never understood the reasons, only I know the nights and the days when I could did not even have the strength to get out of my bed, and the days when simply staying in bed did not help either, only I know the feeling of coming back to the city and wondering why I am here? Only I know how it felt to hear the things I had to hear from her. Only I know the feeling of writing essays each day in emails and to not even get one reply back. Only I know how it felt to turn around and look at an empty door or to feed the cat each morning while leaving for office, or wake up on an empty bed which was shared. Or to pray to God each day for hours. And the worst part of it all is I still have tears writing this.

But now I must stop, stop to live in hope and move on, to a better life, to a better city, to better people. Cause really I don't know if it can get any worse than how it is.

"The Night is Darkest Before Dawn."

Absence doesn't make the hearts go fonder...

Well, today I really feel like writing. And writing a lot, maybe its the weather: all gloomy, and cloudy, maybe it is the fact that she is supposedly coming back to town tomorrow, and had called me last night just to tell me that but she had to add to that that she did not want me to come to pick her up, and she did not even want me to know she is getting back that's why she never told me that earlier. To that I don't really have much to say, I mean what have I really done to deserve this or to deserve what she puts me through, all I do is care about her and really that's all I ever want to do. But whatever I try to do now she simply takes it as me doing things for my own personal motive.

Yes, it might be a lie to say that I do the things I do only for her and that I have no motive of my own. But the only motive I have of my own in always being there for her or in helping her out with whatever I can is cause maybe she will see one day that I am always there for her and maybe one day she will accept that I do really love only her, for all I am worth. Maybe it is Selfish to believe that she can be happy with me, maybe it is selfish to really want her so much, maybe it is selfish to think she cares about me too, I don't know I just feel very lost as really in the last few years of my life I have only wanted her and to take care of her, and to be there for her, maybe it is selfish too, to expect her to help me out in my our of need or for her to be there for me when I just maybe need a hug.

I am just sad today cause I was really trying to pass my time till she got back, in hope that what she said is true and that "Absence does make the hearts go fonder." But now I don't feel that is the case for her. She seems even more away from me than she did when she left. I thought this would give us both time away form each other and maybe give us the space we needed, and maybe we would find out if we want to be with each other or not. But I guess for me these 3 weeks have done nothing but make me miss her even more and just hope for her to get back, only to have to hear that I am not even welcome to come and pick her from the station or to hear from her "Why did I ever call?" when I did. And hearing a sad voice instead of a happy one when I did call. OR to see that she will take over a week to call me back, and that too at mid night when she knows I'd be out.

I just feel this is so unfair, but life is never fair, if I try to explain it to the millions of people who are suffering more than me, who have lost someone who really loved them in return, or to those in war torn countries, they would probably look at me and laugh, cause yes my sorrow is nothing compared to theirs, I guess each one to their own everyone's problems seem to be the biggest to them, and that's why mine though so petite compared to the world, still feels like the most important one to me.

Really its been what now like how many months it has become ridiculous to me as well, that I chasing after something that has not even given me a sign of love or care in return but has only pushed me away constantly. I no longer know what I should be be even feeling or thinking, I cling on to those few sms she sent me which are sweet and are still saved in my phone, or I cling on to a few glimpses of love and care that she shows me maybe by mistake, I guess. I don't know.

If anything I can maybe forget everything that happened between us and forgive her for leaving me But I don't know if I can ever forgive her for coming back again in my life only to tell me how much she did not want me, to come back to my life only to shatter my dreams again, to come back to my life only for me to realize that she lies to me all the time, or to realize that when she was with me also she never told me so many things about her just cause she thought I would point fingers at her instead of being there for her, or to hear from her how much more important Jaiwant is, or how much she hated me instead of everything.

In all reality all I ever wanted form her when we were together was for her to open up and she her to share her deepest fears or pains with me, and for her to treat me like her own instead of still treating me as a stranger. From my side she new everything, I just wanted her to share with me as much as I was willing to share, or had shared. I don't know I know there is no point in crying over split milk, and now that it is all done I don't think I need any more proof or anything more from her to know that from now on I am really on my own, and that no matter what I do she will always take it as I have some selfish motive. For this reason and this reason alone I feel I should not get in touch with her, cause no matter how many times I call to ask her how she is she is always gonna think I am calling her cause to stalk her. Instead of realizing that I am calling her cause I care about her, and I miss her she would take it as I am being selfish and want her to be with me. I am really helpless.

I no longer know...

I no longer know what I feel,
'cause this life now feels surreal.
I no longer know what to do,
'Cause I know now I have already lost you.

I no longer know how to smile,
'cause nothing seems worthwile.
I no longer know how to cry,
'cause all the tears seem to have run dry.

I no longer want to make that call,
'cause already I have said it all.
I no longer know what is right,
'cause no matter what we end up in a fight.

I no longer want to even have hope,
'cause its way more than I can ever cope.
I no longer even want to try,
'cause my feelings get branded as a lie.

I no longer want to lie here and wait,
'cause all she feels for me is hate.
I no longer know want to stay awake,
'cause its much more than I can take.

I no longer know what I want,
'cause all I want is already gone.
I no longer know what say,
'cause you find all this so gay.

I know to you this is all pretty lame,
'cause its just more of the same.
I no longer know what to write,
'cause these are things you don't like.

I no longer know what to live for,
'cause all my dreams were shatter long before.
I no longer know weather to live or die,
'cause I just don't want to wake up and cry.

How could an angel break my heart?

I heard he sang a lullaby, I heard he sang it from his heart.
When I found out thought I would die, Because that lullaby was mine.
I heard he sealed it with a kiss, He gently kissed her cherry lips.
I found that so hard to believe, Because his kiss belonged to me.

How could an angel break my heart, Why didn't he catch my falling star.
I wish I didn't wish so hard, Maybe I wished our love apart.
How could an angel break my heart?

I heard here face was white as rain, Soft as a rose that blooms in may.
He keeps her picture in a frame, And when he sleeps he calls her name.
I wonder if she makes him smile, The way he used to smile at me.
I hope she doesn't make him laugh, Because his laugh belongs to me.

How could an angel break my heart, Why didn't he catch my falling star.
I wish I didn't wish so hard, Maybe I wish our love apart.
How could an angel break my heart?

Oh my soul is dying, its crying, I'm trying to understand.
Please help me.

How could an angel break my heart, Why didn't he catch my falling star.
I wish I didn't wish so hard, Maybe I wished our love apart.
How could an angel break my heart?

This place where a part of you will forever be a part of me..

"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

Been a while since I wrote here, it seems to me that this is the only place in the world where I can be free and write to myself.Its been a few months now of a mental roller-coster, I just don't have any more to say cause I don't think I am sure about my feelings any more. I have my own reasons to believe its done and I should stop fooling myself, cause at the end of it all its been nearly a year and I can't still be upset over something that happened so long ago. My only question to her is when she did not want anything from me why did she have to come back in my life only to put me through this pain again? She calls me selfish, but at the end of the day I have done so much only for her and in return she has not even said a small "Thanks You." and has instead only questioned my intentions. Isn't her actions selfish that she knows I am weak for her so she uses me whenever she needs me?

'Selfish'

Selfishness denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others.

Was I selfish when you needed to pay your friend for Goa? Was I selfish when you needed contacts or stpid Sun Block for Goa? Was I selfish when you needed to pay Sneha? Was I selfish when you guys needed to go to the Canteen or ShivaJi Market? Was I selfish when I waited for you to finish your exmas? Was I selfish when I woke up and saw your eyes swollen and ran to get you solution? Was I selfish whenever you were hungry? Was I selfish when I downloaded the games for you, and never once asked you not to play them if and when you came over? Was I selfish when I spoke to your Mom and dad about the Car? Was I selfish when I get you balance, even though you might call me once? Was I selfish when I wanted to drop you to the station, maybe a bit cause I wanted to spend time with you before you left? Was I selfish to take you to the botiques? Was I selfish to find you the cat, and maybe buy food for her without you even telling me to? Was I selfish when I stayed up all night to drop off your Mom? Was I selfish in watching you sleep near me when you did, and maybe kiss you then as you would shout when you woke up? Was I selfish or have any Ego when you hit me in front of everyone and I still hold you and take care of you?

The only thing I can see that I am selfish in is the fact that I want to spend all my time with you, and in that time too all I TRY to do is do things for you, things to maybe make you smile, or help you out with things that you might need help with. And I do that not cause of any other intention but so that maybe you realize that I put you always before me, just to show you that you are more important to me, than I am to myself. Just so that you are maybe happy with me when you around me, and just to show you that I am always there for you.

You can say...

You can say I dont love you,
you can say I dont care,
but if you ever need me,
you know I'd always be there.

You can say we are not good together,
you can say all we do is fight,
but if really you think about it,
only you can make it all right.

You can say I only wanna hurt you,
You can say I only wanna make you cry,
but if you'd look in my eyes once June,
you'd know it is all a lie.

You can say how important everyone else is,
You can even say why,
but you know to make everything right girl,
you know I really do try.

You can say it is all to late now,
you can say that the love has died,
but you and I both know,
how we really feel inside.

You can say its all over now,
You can say I have lost my chance,
But I still hope someday,
under the stars we could dance.

You can say I can do all I want,
but I have lost my time,
You tend to forget that love only
matures with age and gets better like fine wine.

You can say you feel nothing for me,
you can go out and mistreat me,
but I know to you I am not any other man,
and I'd still love you all I can.

More Poetry...

I can get you chocolates, I can get you flowers,
I can jump around the world and call for you from all the towers.
I can write you letters, I can blurt out songs,
I can try to make up for all that I have done wrong.

I love you so, and I want you to know,
though you ask this of me, I can't just let go.
I just hope you know how I feel for you girl,
you are the only one I love in this world.

When you look at me the whole world seems to stop,
And everything and everyone else seems like a prop.
Everytime I have to watch you go,
It puts me down in a brand new low.

I wanna take you dancing in the rain,
But you'd simply say whats in it to gain.
so instead I take you to every botique in town,
so you would never look at me and frown.

I am not a poyet, but I write this to you,
I am sorry if these are only few things that I can do.
Forgive me June for all I have done wrong,
You know that to only you I belong.

So please June lets stop this fight,
And try to make everything between us right.
There is no one else in this but you and I,
so please June lets stop all the lie.

I hope someday you would give us a chance,
I promise to treat you better than the Queen of France.
And please don't ever say we are thru,
When there is so much still between me and you.

Maybe to you these words don't make sense,
but I mean them with their very essence.
I dont know what more to write to you,
I have run out of words and no longer have a clue....
Nanu

we should have never fought.

I am sorry we should have never fought.
I miss you babe, you are in my every thought.
I dont know why we have days like those,
When we feel so far from being so close.
Anyway lets forget it now,
I hope we make up for it somehow.

You say I act like a girl,
well for you I'll even do the twirl.
I go weak in the knees when you around,
And I maybe act like a big clown.
And if you ever look at me and smile,
it makes all so worthwhile.

I'd get you flowers, I'd get you gold,
I will never break the promises I told.
I'd look in your eyes and kiss your lips,
and touch you gently with my fingertips.
I'd hold you close and never let go,
If just once you asked me so. :-(

I know I have hurt you in the past,
I'd take all the blame for why it didn't last.
you know I have tried to mend my ways,
I know now, without you, how bad are my days.
Without you I still can't sleep.
waking up without you at times I still weep.

Once again I dont know what more to say,
I just hope things would be better someday.
I just hope one day you will see,
The love for you inside of me.
Now I really wish it would rain
And somehow are best days would come again.

All Fools Day

One day to late but thats ok..For a fool like me I dont think days have any meaning. Really if I look at this blog, I dont know what I feel. Its Fucking April, like how many months? Lets see Sep-April is about 7 months, and here I am again just me and my lonely mind. Why the fuck do I do this to myself? Why don't I see the love that I am looking for lies elsewhere?

In this relationship really I dont think I have left any stone unturned. Yes she accuses me of everything, of being unfair to her, of hurting her, of making her have the worst time in her life, of the things I don't even know, Whereas I since the day I met her I have never even kissed another woman, or even gone close, I have never even lied, I have really believed in us, and I have tried to do all I could. Yes I am not the best person in the world, no I am not, but really to her I try to be the best I can. What did I not do? I took her everywhere I could, where ever we could afford to go we went. How muchI could afford for us I tried, took up a place she liked too, and I tried.

Why do I have write this shit on my stupid blog. Who cares really who the fuck cares what I write here. For all anyone cares is if I even lived or died. I am hopelessly in love with this girl who I doesn't give a shit about me, who has told me over and over again that. The worst fuckin part is I have lost o much of myself in this that I dont even know what makes me happy.

Today is supposed to be the best day in my life. I got paid the most ever. And here I am doing what? crying? Fuck me I really suck!!!

What is love?

There is a time, a time for love.
Love comes, but can be over in a moment.
But remembered, remembered always,
So take the chance, once past these
moments can never be regained,
Life moves on;
Love, Love you all demanding, all consuming,
all destroying.
With passions that delight the body but
devour the mind, put thoughts in confusion;
make right and wrong indefinable.
Love, love makes the rules;
Love is cruel, selfish, blind heedless
of consequence.
For if just one face can fill your mind,
one smile, one look across the room,
elate your every sense, then this is love;
perhaps unattainable to touch, but
without words or terms, you are as one:
Love is life, without it there is nothing.
But if this face can bring torment, anger, pain!
Can this also be love?
"the question is irrelevant, the answer in
the heart, for indiscretions, faults, are
overlooked; in love the eyes are closed and
see only what they wish."
Love is many emotions:
But if when you met this face, this face
who's lips arouse, who's hands caress, who's
body fulfils: your senses reel, all is past,
time stands still: then this, this is love.
Love may remain, or grow cold, but "tis
better to have loved and lost, than to
have never loved"

let me recollect the month

June,

One day before valentines you tell me you would like to see me, I like a retard go out and am so happy,
Go out get whatever you wished for, and believe that you are on your college trip. Later I learn it is all lies you tell me,
I dont say anything yes I am mad at you for lieing to me, but what can I say right? I am no one to you. Like a retard I go
and smell all the perfumes you wanted, and choose something we both liked and in return I get what from you June,
I get lies from you telling me you on a college trip.

Then you come back, and you call me accuse me of telling your Mom etc, I dont say anything even then.
Then you spend time with me, and we say we will make things better between us and see where it leads us,
and yes I feel we are making progress.
Then you mail Pawan from my place thinking I am a sleep, and even though I know about it, you constantly lie to me about it,
I dont say anything even though I know you lie to me so much to my face, even when I confront you, you lie to me about it.
Why June, what do you want from me?

Then YOU tell me you would like to come out partying even when Aliya etc are in town with me, as we are trying to make
things better and who cared as long as we were happy together, that very night you again push me away, slam the door on me
and throw me out of your house!! I am really upset that day too and you know it, but the next day I didnt say anything did I?
Infact I called you again, like a retard cause you said you were sorry, and we go out to Gaia etc and then again you tell me you
dont want to be close to me in public cause maybe I am not good enough for you now, caue maybe when yuo with me you dont
get the attention from all other men, or maybe I will ask who they are. Why did you want to meet Aliya etc and chill with me last
weekend if you anyway wanted nothing from me? Do you know what it has been not only for me, but from Aliya and Aly when you left me it
wasn't really nice you know and they both were really on my side and for you I even lied to my closet friends, and explained to them that we
are happy together etc, I didnt explain to them lies did I?

Then we have a nice week together, you call me for dinner even, and come by whenever you want too, and we spend so much time together,
We make love, and hold eachother close you give me silence in return to my I love you's and still I hold you close, and not even shed a tear,
believing that somehow somewhere you too do love me, and then a few hours later I am again no one to you?

We spend all week together, we hug at the station, and I drop you off, and you seem happy, I even had tears in my eyes dropping you off,
but to you they don't mean anything you tell me I am not your boyfriend and thats why I can't come, I dont say anything I simply accept what my fate is,
and drive back to my office, who cares about me right as long as Cinderella/SnowWhite/SleepingBeauty is having fun. I even go out get you whatever you might need there,
your lenses, we look for your cream I try to get you anything you might need there to be happy and have fun. You tell me you will call how many times?
And really I can probably count the number of times you have called me on one hand. You tell me you didnt have your phone and missed me, why June when
you actions speak so much louder than words? Why June do you do this to me?

You get back, I pick you up cause yes I missed you a lot, and I ask you if it is possible to maybe spend the day with you? What do you do?
You dont even care if I am taking a day off to spend with you, and do things YOU want to do. What do you do? You simply forget all about it and pass out?
Do you know how I feel to call your Mom and ask for you? It is horrible but I thought you wanted to see me thats why...And then again what do I do? NOTHING
I dont even say anything, yes I am a bit hurt that I take a day off for you, when you know I am not really allowed to, and you dont even care.

Then the next day you cal and come by, you offer to pick me up and even drop me off. You come by and chill on facebook, and play on the comp and are gone
before or as soon as I get home, how should I feel, should I feel you came to meet me or to update your facebook, and play your games? I want to spend time wth you,
so I even like to go shoppinjg with your Mom just cause I want to learn more about you, justcause I want to understand you better, just cause I want to break the walls we
have built, I try to do everything June.

Then we go out wth your friends, it is fine with me I am happy as long as you are. I dont come close to you or even touch you. Why June thought I wanted to
it is cause you had warned me before not to do so. And I keep my distance, and stil that is too much for you. If you dont remember I told you I didnt want to go out with you,
cause I feel you just push me away and it is not nice try to remember. Did I not discuss that? But who cares right as long as you are having fun.

Then we dont get 5 mins together maybe all day on saturday when you even promised we would do something for us that night, and what is that something for us June, it
is somehting for you and Mr XYZ whoever you pick for the night, and tell me I am not good enough to enter with you. I am good enough to make love to you, or for you have
sex with you but I am not good enough to be seen around in public with you? Think about how you treat me.

You sent me atleast 5 I am sorry yesterday for not spending time with me, for what June? Why do you apologise to me, when you clearly dont even mean it? No it is not a big deal
if you call me at 8:30 instead of 5:30. It is no bigdeal at all for you at all. Who cares what I said to Nanu he is my little dog, I will meet him anytime and he will still love me as much.
Then today you tell me you would sms me when you get time, and then what ? You didnt get time to even call? Or maybe you didnt call cause really what do you have to say in return
what will you speak to me? Right? Like last night you clearly asked me what I wanted from that conversation, whereas you had you point very clear, and it was "Nanu I am here partying
with whoever I want and I dont want you around, and wtf. will you do." thats exactly what it meant.

June I can honestly say I dont think you have even read my mail, cause if you have any dignity in yourself or your words or actions, or any respect for me you would not treat me this way.
June you yourself know you dont treat me fairly, why June what have I done?
How much will you hurt me June how much? Honestly tell me was it not enough the first time? You know I love you so much that I change my life for you,
then why do you play with me life? Why do you play with me like this? June yes I hurt you alot in the last 2 years and I have suffered a lot for it, you have no idea what I ahve gone thru,
and really it is my sincer hope that you never have to even see anyone going thru that. I was so shattered I could not work, I could not eat, I had to go on vacation, I wrote to you ever
day of my life, I wrote so much that even when I go thru my sent mails it brings a tear to realise what I went thru, I stopped going out to clubs in pune cause I might see you, I started going to
bombay everyweekend to be away from YOU!!! you didnt have to sleep in the same bed we made love in and shared for years, you didnt have to take care of the cat or the fish we got together,
you didnt have to live where we did, it all changed for you and you got over it, but nothing fucin changed for me.

Then why do you have to do this to me again? June is it fun to see me like this for you? Is it fun to see someone so hurt for you. I know it might give you an ego boost that
somoene is so in love with you, but are you being fair to him? And now you tell me I FORCED you to come by, where as you neevr wanted. How would I feel about that?
June wtf. is this all about June what the fuck is it about? Is it about revenge? Is it for your kicks? was all this to see if I have become good enough for you? June whatever you
are doing you are playing with my life June, you are playing with my life and you know it so very well, you even know how you drive me psycho. Why June, please again I just tell you to have mercy on me,
I know I have hurt you in the past but if you cant tell I am not back in your life to do that, I only love you still so dont do this to me June dont do this to me. I never ever treated you like this over and over agian.
You hate to see me cry or is that too a lie? How much have you lied to me you know?

Then to top it all just before leaving you give me hug and tell me that everything is ok between us. Like that is supposed to make me feel better, you probably hugged and kissed,
endless number of guys at the party, so waht should one more for me make any difference? June I am human, and I love you, you can treat me however you want June, I am not going
to say anything, cause you know I have this weakness for you, but you also know you are not bein fair to me, and you know what that too is fine, I believe in Karma, maybe I deserve this
for some sins of mine, or maybe one day you would get treated the way you treat me by someone. June dont do this to me, dont kill me over and over again.
You have no idea what I go thru June you have no idea, dont play with me like this please. Have some mercy June have some mercy, dont treat me this way, I have not done any crime
that you are doing this to me. This past month all I have done is tried to keep you happy.

Holy Fuck!!

Holy Fuck. What a day more like what a wonderful last 24 hours have been. I am quite amazed. till now I really did try so so hard for everything, I tried to to make her laugh and keep her happy every second she was around. I tried to understand her, and tried to change myself for her. I don't know what is the short coming in me I guess that I can't keep her happy.

Last night she had to sms another random guy, and plan to meet him today at NM, and then ofcourse she does not want to go out with me tonight. After all that she said to me yesterday about being with me today and spending time cause I was cheesed off about last night being with her friends. Anyway so now she has a huge fight with me and tells me how she wants her space and doesn't want me around. And how she wants to go to NM with her friends and NOT me at all.

But what can I do really what can I do? Really I am helpless, am I not? I have to take all this from her I have no choice. If I even say a word she will simply reply to me like she did: "Fine don't ever see me again." And then I have nothing. Well she even asked me what I wantd more: Her this way or her not at all. So I know for me this is a lose lose situation, I don't even know why I am in it.

Who is confused..?

Out of my 20 lines you read only 3 only about Goa and being rude ??
At first I didn't reply cause you would only write back to me about how I get everything wrong, or might get mad and not meet me, but anyway if and when we meet we would not talk about any of this. Cause I relly didnt want to bring this up at all.

June you ask me why am I insecure? Does that question even make sense to us or me. Being insecure is for people seeing eachother in all honesty I don't even know where I really stand for you June. I love you, and I feel you do too to some extent, a tiny winy bit atleast. Ask yourself do you think I should feel secure in our relation with eachother ??

June why do you say I feel everything you do is wrong? What have I said to you June? I never said a thing about you going to Goa yes I was upset to learn that from someone else, but I didnt say anything to you? You even blamed me for everything still I didn't really get mad at you. Infact I believed everything you said to me after you got back, in some wierd way I was really proud of you too and even told you that.

And about you going to Goa this time, again I am no one your Mom and Dad are fine with it, who am I to question you or say anything? June I dont even know where we stand thats why I dont even know how to react or what to say or what to do. You simply say that is because I am confused, but at the end of the day June it is you, it is you who is ocnfused, I know how much I love you and what I feel about you, it is you who is confused.

But June we didn't come here to figure out if we are confused or not, and neither to make a decision about anything

Why do you build me up..?

Why do you build me up Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all you never call, baby
When you say you will but I love you still
I need you more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up Buttercup, don't break my heart

"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then
I run to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

Baby, baby, try to find
A little time, and I'll make you happy
I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you

Why do you build me up ,Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down , and mess me around
And then worst of all , you never call, baby
When you say you will , but I love you still
I need you , more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up , Buttercup, don't break my heart

You were my toy but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know ,
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so

Baby, baby, try to find
A little time and I'll make you happy
I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you

Why do you build me up Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all you never call, baby
When you say you will but I love you still
I need you more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up Buttercup, don't break my heart

Unrequited Love?

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain."

God have mercy on me

...before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've
moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.' "Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested." The boy remembered an old proverb from his country. It said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn.

-Pg 74 The Alchemist

God have mercy on me. Please God have mercy on me. I really can't take this anymore. This is much more painful than anything else, I am sure even death is less painful, atleast death comes and takes one away, then all the pain and suffering is over, but this way there is only pain and suffering and it just doesn't stop, it just doesnt get any easier. Its been over a hundred days and I am still the same. God don't test me like this I am not that strong. I am not that strong. You showed me so much happiness why did you take it all away.

You took my grandma and I couldn't even say bye to her, I was in school, and couldn't even see her. You gave my Mom hell after that I never complained. You took my Grandpa away and I was strong thru it all, and I still didnt complain. I only asked you why once and then I left my life to you. You let my Dad down and put him thru a hard time and I still didnt complain I still believed life had better days for us all. I left my Mom and Dad and all my family and have lived most life on my own searching for someone to call my own, searching for someone who I would never have to part with. You know me God I am created by you, just like everyone else, so then why did you make me so sensitive and so emotional when you had to separate me form everyone in my life? When all you have done to me made me find people who I really love deeply and then always make me part from them? How do I see that this life is fair? I am the weakest with my heart and you always hurt me there? What lessons you want from me God. What do you want from me? This is not fair this is not fair at all.

I am not that strong God, please take me away form this world, I dont want to stand any more of your tests. I dont want to go thru another day in this world on my own, I have been lonely enough, and I dont want to go thru life this way. I know I ave lost the one person who I loved the most now I dont want to live. Take me away somehow, I dont want to wake up tomorrow, please make tonite the last. I am sorry I give up. PLease take me away, take me away where I have no feelings.

I dont want to hurt anymore.

I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.I dont want to hurt anymore.

I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.I dont want to suffer anymore.

I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more. I dont want this feeling no more.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me?

This life is not fair ..

This life is not fair not fucking fair at all.
What have I done? What the hell have I done wrong? What crime did I commit in this life or the past? God I ask you that? Today I am really really angry not at anything but fate itself.
What have I done wrong? What is my fault in this? The why the fuck do I have to suffer?

Since the day I met this girl all I did was care about her. When I met her I had no one but I was happy in my life, and I met this girl at first I never thought much about it, but Yes I must admit I was taken a back but her broken smile, to me she had so much to say in her eyes ( and yet she covered her eyes in lenses which I hated.) People tell me I have enchanting eyes, but trust me she has the world in hers. I was in love the moment those brown eyes looked into me the first time. And yet I was baffled. And her lips, more like her smile, to me it was a broken smile that said so much about her, where she had been and what she felt. Her black hair that she hated is as dense as the desert sand, beautiful. And I would love to run my fingers through them. What I feel in love the most was none of these things, it wasn't her hair, or her eyes, or her smile, to me it was how she made me feel. The first time she walked into the house, I somehow knew it was for a while. And I secretly wished that she would never leave. I knew I was in love with her. I was in love with her, she was the cutest thing I had come across and I somehow she knew she had my heart. Even I didn't know it would be this way. I didn't know what the futur had for me and her, I really didnt want to know I was so happy in the present with her that I really didn't care. It really didn't matter to me, I was in love and I had learnt to care about something else much more than me, to me all of a sudden life had a new meaning, it was to keep her happy it was to keep her away form being sad and it was to keep her tears away.

Yes I know somewhere along the way I lost it all, I know I have hurt her too by my actions and I know that I could not be half the man she wanted me to be. I know I didnt give her the things she needed to have and maybe we both lost our way I dont know.

All I know is I dont deserve this. I really don't. This is so so unfair. What have I really done? I have only loved her. I have never cheated on her, never even had the iontentions to infact. I have never lied to her, it seems impossible, but really I never have. There was not one night when she didnt have food, or comfort. I held her each night that we were together even though we fought. I tursted her no matter what the world said to me, and I still somehow do, maybe love is blind I dont know. I kissed her each morning, and always told her I loved her more than she did. Yes I never bought flowers, or cards, or went for a movie or did a lot of romantic things I am sorry.

But why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to still ahve tears in me for her? What did I do wrong? Pleople believe in Karma, and that we pay for our lives in this life itself, so God where the fuck is the Justice? Why do I ahve to suffer? What did I do? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? I want to know? I really want to know God? Did I not show her that i wanted her for life? Did I love her less? If so I dont think I can love anyone more.
What did I do? What the hell did I do to deserve this life and this pain? I have never hurt anyone, even my ex girlfriends I have never tried to intentinally hurt anyone I ahve always been an honest person and I ahve always been true to the poeple i care about.
What di I do wrong to deserve this what did I do?
What did I do?

Whenever she cried I was there to wipe her tears, then when I have tears why is there no one? Why is there no one? Why is this so unfair? Don't I have feelings? Doesn't she have any feelings? I know her feelings died for me long before she left me, but doesn't the time we shared mean anything to her, it sickens me to think that the time we spent together means nothing to her, it makes me lose my faith in love and live itself, tha peopel can be so cold and so indifferent. Maybe some people have more emotions than others, maybe some people feel love and life a lot more than others. Others maybe just go thru life to name emotions and dont really feel them. I dont know, but it really destroys my faith in love and life. More than anything I feel betrayed, and let down, cause the only thing I believed in for so long the only thing I cared about, the only thing that I thought wont let me down, eventually became astray. I now even find it hard to even believe in anything, or in myself, cause I have started to doubt me after that, I had all my faith and all my beliefs in her, in the fact that I was too loved in return and that I was too card about in return. I was so wrong. Where should I look for faith in life now, or faith in love now?
How can one say life is fair?

WHAT DOESN'T KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER ! !

...Still not over you.

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=ttaBmjPtOd0

Whats up? I know we haven't spoken for a while
But I was thinkin bout you And it kinda made me smile
So many things to say And I'll put em in a letter
Thought it might be easier The words might come out better
How's your mother, how's your little brother? Does he still look just like you?
So many things I wanna know the answers to Wish I could press rewind
And rewrite every line To the story of me and you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused I've got nothing to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you Still not over you

Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on
But there's a lot of feelings that remain since you've been gone
I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me
But it seems there's always something right there to remind me
Like a silly joke, or something on the t.v.
Boy it ain't easy When I hear our song
I get that same old feeling Wish I could press rewind
Turn back the hands of time And I shouldn't be telling you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused I've got nothing to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you Still not over you

Did you know I kept all of your pictures
Don't have the strength to part with them yet
Tried to erase the way your kisses taste But some things a girl can never forget

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you Still not over you

-Rihanna

Here without you

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me, yeah oh yeah oh

-3 Doors Down

"Bacho Ki Kya Galti Hai ?"

"Bacho Ki Kya Galti Hai ?" or "Booga Booga Tumne mujhe Kartoon Bana Diya"

These two lines bring me teas even now, these are 2 memories that I know I will never forget in my life.

The first brings me tears, cause I know this was her deepest and darkest pain she had inside her. When she said this to me, it did change a lot of the way I looked at her. What I am trying to say is that I did care for her etc, even way before that but that was the first time in my life I became sure that I wanted to spend my life taking care of her. More than anything I wanted to give her all the love that I could, not for me really but cause she deserved it. That night when she told me about her life and her story, and told me that I understood her and asked me to never leave her, every word I had said to her was meant by me, I told her I never would leave her, and thats what hurts me now so much. I really have not left her, but now she has left me. I am still there, I am still the same, I still have all that love, and though my trust and faith has taken a big beating, I don't know in some weird way, I don't blame her for leaving me, I don't say it is her fault either I blame us both.

And if she could hear me out, I would just like to tell her
that I know she has no faith in Love, but all Love doesn't grow the same way as what she has seen. I would like to tell her that I still haven't and I never will leave her. That there is nothing to explain or to be said. I would like to tell her that I will take care of her more than I have taken care of me, and that I will do all I can to try and keep her happy.


And the second. :-)
Well it brings me tears cause I miss her just saying that to me and giving me a small kiss. It brings me tears cause always I was the one who was grumpy and long faced and she was always so happy and cheerful. It brings me tears cause I don't know if I will hear it the way I used to or not. It brings me tears to realize how much joy it gave her to be with me, and to be at my place, I could tell when she would say that, that she was really happy. And it would give me so much of bliss to know that the same girl who says to me "Bacho Ki Kya Galti Hai", is Happy for sometime atleast. It would make my day, even though I had a bad day at work, or was fighting with family, when she would say this it took away all my pain and sorrow. I just wish, just wish that one day I wake up and this has been just a bad nightmare and she wakes me up and says this to me. But hell am I crazy the year has even changed when will I wake up? Maybe she could just whisper that to me someday, and take away all this that I have gone thru.

What do I want?

Today I don't know what to write.

Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking, in fact that's all I have done in the last few months and have come up with nothing. No answers, and just one question. What do I want? Really what do I want. I am Ritesh Sharma, and I will be 28 in a few days, and really what do I want? I can't just want June, that's fruitless, every time I have wanted love I have been burnt, and in fact there is nothing I can do about it, if she doesn't want me.

Honestly, was I truly happy when she was with me, was I content with life. Or I am I just looking at it this way cause now I am not with her? Well, yes I was content to a certain degree, and more than now, but I still wanted more. What is that more? Well I wanted a better place for her, I wanted a better place for us, a better life for us. And no I can not expect anyone else to give it to me, but me. The thing is that I don't know what I want. I mean I have a job, but I am not content with it as it is not something I want to do all my life. I mean I am not happy to get paid this way all my life, so what do I want. Really what do I want.

The sad part is right now my mindset is completely wrong. Yes coming to think of it I was happier with June in my life. I was so much happier. Yes we fought a lot, and we both wanted so much more from each other, and from our lives, but I thought we would work towards it together. Really when it comes to her I no longer have the strength to write, I have written so so much already and it has gotten me nothing but more pain from her and pushed her further. I know there is no way to reach out to her. But this is no longer about her now it is about me. Infact I no longer know if even I will be happy now with her though so much has happened now. But well who am I kidding' all it took for her was to give me a little hug and I was hers instantly. I miss her a lot but what can I do.

I started writing today by asking what I want, really to me my answer is the same as what it was many many years ago, I guess I really want LOVE. Thats' all I want. I want to come back home to someone I love and that someone who loves me. All I want is the assuring touch of companionship when I go to bed each night. I want to make someone else smile and that gives me more happiness. Even now I remember when she was telling me how happy she was in Goa or wherever it gave me happiness to hear that more than it gave me pain to know she was without me. I felt happier when June used my computer or used my TV or lived in my house. I felt happier that I could take her to Goa, more than it gave me happiness to go. It gave me happiness and comfort to see her comfortable at my place. It gave me happiness to provide for her, and to be there for her when she needed me. Yes that was happiness to me. Coming to think of it I was really happy. I rediscovered my love for fish, and my computer. I stopped driving fast and didn't have any accidents compared to before. I see now that I was so much more at ease with myself on the whole. I started enjoying the smaller things in life like even a walk in the park, or simply driving around in the rain. The best time of the month was never the day that I got paid, but the day I could simply spend with her. I stopped clubbing unconsciously cause I was content with her, and in just being with her, I didn't even want to see any new people cause to me she was all I wanted. She always thought I wanted to be with someone else, but if that was the case did I ever even try to be with someone else? Eventually I would have stopped all other bad habits for her, if she only believed in us, or if she even really asked.

She gave me the strength to live here on my own to live with only her. To start a small home all by ourselves, No I wasn't independent, and no I could not support her from the start, but it was a start, I was really trying to be with her as much as I could as well as be at work and try to provide for her as well. Yes I took money form her, but really it was not for me, it was to pay our bills which she took as only mine. Well, I don't want to run around and saying I was young, but in truth I was, I was young to start supporting her. I was not mature enough to realize that I was becoming all she had and I had to be bigger and better in every way for her.

I am not saying I knew all this when I was with her. In fact I was far from realizing it, even I had taken it all for granted as much as she had. If only had I known that she was what I was looking for all my life and all that I really wanted. If I had know that she was what gave me comfort all the time, that she made me happy. I am not saying I would have done a lot of things differently, that would be a lie, at least I would have appreciated her much more than I ever did.

I know I miss her like hell, and the worst thing of all is that I realize that the most important thing to me in life is love and companionship. And I had it all, I in fact had the most amazing person for it all, and now I have lost it all. Like all the good things in my life I have lost this one too. Haven't I always done that, had a great thing going and then let it all slip away?

For some reason I still believe inside me that if we are still alive and if we have a heart someday we might be together, else I guess I will have to go and find what I am looking for elsewhere.

Miss you like crazy

Even though its been so long, my love for you keeps going strong
I remember the things that we used to do, a kiss in the rain
Til the sun shined through,
Id try to deny it, but I'm still in love with you

I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy,
Ever since you went away Every hour of every day,
I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy

No matter what I say or do, there's just no getting over you
I can see the love shining in your eyes, and it comes as such a sweet surprise
If seeings believing its worth the wait, so hold me and tell me its not too late
Were so good together, were starting forever now, and I miss you like crazy

I miss you like crazy, ever since you went away, every hour of every day
I miss you like crazy, I miss you baby, a love like ours will never end

Just one night and well have that magic feeling like we used to do
Hold on tight and whatever comes our way were gonna make it through
If seeings believing its worth the wait, so hold me and tell me its not too late
Were so good together, were starting forever now

And I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy
No matter what I say or do there's just no getting over you
And I miss you, I miss you, all the tender love you gave me

When a feeling gets this strong, you know the real thing come along
And I miss you, I miss you like crazy baby, only you're sweet love can save me.
I miss you like crazy, a love like ours will never end

Just touch me and were there again,
Miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy

-Natalie Cole.

Numb

Numb: a loss of sensation

Today and since last night numb is all I feel.

To realize that love of 2 years can be replaced by 2 days. To realize I was lied to all this while, and still believed in her for some reason. To realize that someone else has taken my place. To realize that the letters I write are not even read. To realize she changed her number for me. To realize that it was over way long ago. To realize that now there is not even hope.

I don't know if it is anger, hatred, love, pain, disappointment or what I am feeling. I simply feel numb. At the end of the day, all I want to see is her smiling, all I want to see is for her to be happy, and to not be hurt. God, if she is happier with whoever she is with, please let them find each other, and let them love each other, and have a beautiful future. If I can't be that man to give her happiness, so be it, all I really want to see is her happy, cause really that's what gave me happiness. It makes me smile when she does. And it made me cry when she did. God please don't let him or anyone hurt her ever, and please don't ever give her any of the pain that I have gone through. I know I wanted my lifetime to be spent with her, but if that doesn't give her happiness then there is no happiness in it for me. God take care of her, she is special.

What do I do?

What do I do? God What do I do? More like what can I do?
What have I not done till now? I have sent flowers, I have sent cards,
I have apologized for each day I hurt her. My letters have turned to essays and they might soon turn into a book or something. I have tried speaking to her when she logs on, but she simply gets mad. I can't call her she won't give me her number, I mean this should be clear enough to me, this girl doesn't want to give me her number and has changed her phone so that "I" can't get in touch with her. Who am I? She calls me a stalker, a Psycho? What the hell am I? Don't I have any self respect? This is a girl who cried in my arms, who gave up everything for me, who made me swear to never leave her, to who I meant a lot and now she doesn't want me to get in touch with her so she has changed her number.

June, all I want to know is what I did wrong? Did I never treat you right? Did I get too angry when I did? It brought me tears every time I saw you cry and you knew that, so how could I ever get angry at you? You thought I never wanted you forever, take a look at the world we had built was it all for passing time? We both were in this city for each other, so that we never have to part and now you don't even want to see me? What did I do wrong June? Did I ever come too close to someone else? Did I ever make you feel unwanted? Did I ever intentionally hurt you or brought you tears? Did I not work for us both, you will say only for me, but I did for us both June. Did I not try and come home to you each day, you will say I came home for my computer, but I came home to you June to you. We could not even sleep without touching each other and now you leave me all cold in that same bed?

Tell me all of it was lies, that I meant nothing to you, and that all what we shared was just to pass time for you. Tell me you never wanted to marry me or never wanted to spend this lifetime with me. Tell me you only got the cat home though you knew it was only for a few weeks? Tell me when we made love you never held me close and never made me feel as though it was forever? Tell me that you never wanted me to wipe your tears? Tell me that I was the only cause of all your troubles. Tell me I only got you more pain than happiness. Tell me I made you feel more lonely than I made you feel cared about. Tell me that I was completely wrong in loving you, and that I was a fool.

I should be sick, whats wrong with me

I should be sick of myself for being such a sore loser.
I should be sick of myself for loving someone who calls me a stalker, and a psycho.
I should be sick of myself for loving somoene who tells me she likes someone else.
I should be sick of myself for chasing after her, when she doesn't want after this long.
I should be sick of myself for begging someone for her love.
I should be sick of being rejected by now.
I should be sick of being told off.
I should be sick of all the lies I have been told.
I should be sick of the fact that this girl doesn't even want to give me her number.
I should be sick of the fact that she is out travelling and living with other men.
I should be sick of myself for trusting her when she herself tells me she is lieing.
I should be sick of listening to **** for the world about her.
I should be sick of trusting her blindly.
I should be sick of crying for so long.
I should be sick of writing mails that mean nothing to her.
I should be sick of thinking of her.
I should be sick of praying for her and us.
I should be sick of thinking there can be an us.
I should be sick of having her on my mind.
I should be sick of not being able to move on till now.
I should be sick of this pain.
I should be sick of being depressed.
I should be sick of her.
I should be sick of myself.