This is probably the last entry for a while if ever I do write again here it would be after a while. This has got ot be the best Christmas ever for me, I must say. I thought God would help me and not make me feel worse on that day.
Oh Well ! It was all going fine till she had to call and let me know that she was out with her 'Charlie' friends and ofcourse she had to also tell me she was out with her ex make-out buddy too.
Really I am crazy, and blind. I am getting treated like a dog here and I am still sending her I miss you msgs, and I am still saying I love her. Whow something must be wrong with me, why can I not see that I am not being treated fairly.
Leave it now thats just it, A New Year, A New Life, A New Beginning I really welcome it all.
Thanks Blog :-) for being there on so many lonley nights and for seeing me thru a lot pain and tears. Thank you.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I miss her
1. I miss her just being next to me.
2. I miss being important to her.
3. I miss her calling me and asking me nothing at all.
4. I miss her voice
5. I miss her smile and her lips.
6. I miss drooling on my bed.
7. I miss trippping with her and when we could just spend house together
8. I miss holding her
9. I miss being there for her whenever she needed someone
10. I miss her taking care of the house.
11. I miss her shouting at me for wasting my money.
12. I miss her cooking for me and me cooking for her.
13. I miss her telling me what she read in the paper that day.
14. I miss her discovering something new on the net and telling me about it.
15. I miss her playing Tomb Raider or destroying my Comp. with Dynasty warriors, or playing & sins for hours with her.
16. I miss her playing with the dogs, though I got mad she knew I cared about the dogs too.
17. I miss her taking 2 hours on the weekend to get ready.
18. I miss her shaking her leg for nothing at all.
19. I miss her laughter in the house.
20. I miss getting drunk with her, and she would tell me not to as I would get emotional.
21. I miss her spending hours struggling to straighten her hair.
22. I miss how we would fight for nothing at all.
23. I miss wiping her tears whenever they came.
24. I miss choosing clothes for her and what she should wear.
25. I miss her coming with me to my fish shops, and to MG and all the places.
26. I miss kissing her every morning in her sleep.
27. I miss waking up next to her each day.
28. I miss her kiss when I am at the door leaving for work.
29. I miss her being there when I got home.
30. I miss her telling me what looked nice on me and what didn't.
31. I miss her tripping with me.
32. I miss the Christmas's we spent together and I miss my Diwali with her.
33. I miss travelling with hre to Goa and making out on the sand.
34. I miss smoking around me though it would fry me, I still miss it.
35. I miss her doing work for me, like my bank and getting food for me cause I was an ass.
36. I miss going out and partying with her whenever we did cause though I never made her feel this way she was the cutest person I ahve ever partyed with.
37. I miss her making me feel complete, and not wanting more.
38. I miss her cause with her in all honesty I didnt want to be with anyone else.
39. I miss her cause I know though she lied to me, she did it so I wont get upset or angry at her.
40. I miss her caring for little things in the world.
41. I miss her running away each evening when either her Mom or Dad would call.
42. I miss her talking to my family about me, and they knew I am fine then.
43. I miss waiting for hours for her to finally come home.
44. I miss planning where all we would go and what we would do.
45. I miss her getting angry at me.
46. I miss the feeling that we would spend this lifetime together
47. I miss trying to make her understand why I dont like her wearing what she wears at times.
48. I miss her coming with me to Peter Dias, or her talking to him.
49. I miss her eyes without lenses, and how it makes me weak when I lok into them.
50. I miss waking her up for college.
51. I miss her making me coffee in the morning when she did.
52. I miss arguing with me for the cooler place on our bed.
53. I miss her telling me not to drive fast, and telling others how safe she felt in my car with me.
54. I miss her fighting with me and trying to sleep outside in the living room only for me to come and get her inside.
55. I miss how it burnt me inside when you gave your attention to others though I always tried to play it cool.
56. I miss her playing with her fish (The gold fish and the bowl)
57. I miss her showing me her new clothes whenever she bought them.
58. I miss her telling me she loved me without saying a word about it.,
59. I miss us how we could never even drop eachother off.
60. I miss caring for her more than anything.
61. I miss feeling that my life had a meaning with her.
62. I miss her there for Diwali in Donis' house when all she did was hold me for hours and hours.
63. I miss driving all the way to Goa with me.
64. I miss jumping for room to room when I always lost our room key.
65. I miss her in her sweet bikini playing in the sand next to me.
66. I miss walking with her on the beach.
67. I miss sitting with her on the beach and talking about nothing endlessly.
68. I miss her throwing her tantrum, and then getting upset cause she did.
69. I miss taking her to Prerna's place and wait for her, though I made faces it was still nice to take her out.
70. I miss her Jumping when "Gerrad Scored!!" or when Torres did.
71. I miss her waking me up, when I would fall off to sleep for no reason.
72. I miss the way she would eat with a Zillion spices.
73. I miss coming home to her.
74. I miss calling her from office when I am bored or troubled.
75. I miss happy nature, and her being positive about everything;.
76. I miss her telling me what all she wanted in her life.
77. I miss her talking about Charlie and Cezar and Calcutta, she alwasy seemed so happy about it.
78. I miss her taking me arounf the colony on her bike though I was pertified.
79. I miss her confidence and faith in life.
80. I miss her putting wierd nail polish and stinking up the huse.
81. I miss her taking her own pictures form the camera.
82. I miss her collection of womens magzines, and how she would get excited to see a new one.
83. I miss her complaining about Mom and Dad and then 10 mins later telling me why she loves them nonetheless.
84. I miss her innocence and her devilness at the same time.
85. I miss how she knew excatly what I would like and what I wouldn't
86. I miss her smell and the way her kisses mean so much.
87. I miss making love to her and holding her close.
88. I miss her wearing my T Shirts I always thought she looked super in those.
89. I miss her meeting Rahim with me.
90. I miss her making me always stop for MoMo's at Dorabjees.
91. I miss her telling me stories of Meerkut Manor.
92. I miss her leaving the Tap on the shower position so I would get soaked !!
93. "Na Samaj Doggie Tumne Mujhe Cartoon Bana Diya Booga Booga Booga"
94. I miss her asking me to come out and watch movies with her, what would I not pay now for it
95. I miss her choosing things for the house with me.
96. I miss her telling me what all needs to finxed in the house.
97. I miss her shouting at me when I would not have lunch.
98. I miss her sharing my happiness and my sadness.
99. I miss everything about her, the good, the bad, the ugly, the pain, the joy, the laughter, the sadness, the tear everything.
100. I miss you, June.
2. I miss being important to her.
3. I miss her calling me and asking me nothing at all.
4. I miss her voice
5. I miss her smile and her lips.
6. I miss drooling on my bed.
7. I miss trippping with her and when we could just spend house together
8. I miss holding her
9. I miss being there for her whenever she needed someone
10. I miss her taking care of the house.
11. I miss her shouting at me for wasting my money.
12. I miss her cooking for me and me cooking for her.
13. I miss her telling me what she read in the paper that day.
14. I miss her discovering something new on the net and telling me about it.
15. I miss her playing Tomb Raider or destroying my Comp. with Dynasty warriors, or playing & sins for hours with her.
16. I miss her playing with the dogs, though I got mad she knew I cared about the dogs too.
17. I miss her taking 2 hours on the weekend to get ready.
18. I miss her shaking her leg for nothing at all.
19. I miss her laughter in the house.
20. I miss getting drunk with her, and she would tell me not to as I would get emotional.
21. I miss her spending hours struggling to straighten her hair.
22. I miss how we would fight for nothing at all.
23. I miss wiping her tears whenever they came.
24. I miss choosing clothes for her and what she should wear.
25. I miss her coming with me to my fish shops, and to MG and all the places.
26. I miss kissing her every morning in her sleep.
27. I miss waking up next to her each day.
28. I miss her kiss when I am at the door leaving for work.
29. I miss her being there when I got home.
30. I miss her telling me what looked nice on me and what didn't.
31. I miss her tripping with me.
32. I miss the Christmas's we spent together and I miss my Diwali with her.
33. I miss travelling with hre to Goa and making out on the sand.
34. I miss smoking around me though it would fry me, I still miss it.
35. I miss her doing work for me, like my bank and getting food for me cause I was an ass.
36. I miss going out and partying with her whenever we did cause though I never made her feel this way she was the cutest person I ahve ever partyed with.
37. I miss her making me feel complete, and not wanting more.
38. I miss her cause with her in all honesty I didnt want to be with anyone else.
39. I miss her cause I know though she lied to me, she did it so I wont get upset or angry at her.
40. I miss her caring for little things in the world.
41. I miss her running away each evening when either her Mom or Dad would call.
42. I miss her talking to my family about me, and they knew I am fine then.
43. I miss waiting for hours for her to finally come home.
44. I miss planning where all we would go and what we would do.
45. I miss her getting angry at me.
46. I miss the feeling that we would spend this lifetime together
47. I miss trying to make her understand why I dont like her wearing what she wears at times.
48. I miss her coming with me to Peter Dias, or her talking to him.
49. I miss her eyes without lenses, and how it makes me weak when I lok into them.
50. I miss waking her up for college.
51. I miss her making me coffee in the morning when she did.
52. I miss arguing with me for the cooler place on our bed.
53. I miss her telling me not to drive fast, and telling others how safe she felt in my car with me.
54. I miss her fighting with me and trying to sleep outside in the living room only for me to come and get her inside.
55. I miss how it burnt me inside when you gave your attention to others though I always tried to play it cool.
56. I miss her playing with her fish (The gold fish and the bowl)
57. I miss her showing me her new clothes whenever she bought them.
58. I miss her telling me she loved me without saying a word about it.,
59. I miss us how we could never even drop eachother off.
60. I miss caring for her more than anything.
61. I miss feeling that my life had a meaning with her.
62. I miss her there for Diwali in Donis' house when all she did was hold me for hours and hours.
63. I miss driving all the way to Goa with me.
64. I miss jumping for room to room when I always lost our room key.
65. I miss her in her sweet bikini playing in the sand next to me.
66. I miss walking with her on the beach.
67. I miss sitting with her on the beach and talking about nothing endlessly.
68. I miss her throwing her tantrum, and then getting upset cause she did.
69. I miss taking her to Prerna's place and wait for her, though I made faces it was still nice to take her out.
70. I miss her Jumping when "Gerrad Scored!!" or when Torres did.
71. I miss her waking me up, when I would fall off to sleep for no reason.
72. I miss the way she would eat with a Zillion spices.
73. I miss coming home to her.
74. I miss calling her from office when I am bored or troubled.
75. I miss happy nature, and her being positive about everything;.
76. I miss her telling me what all she wanted in her life.
77. I miss her talking about Charlie and Cezar and Calcutta, she alwasy seemed so happy about it.
78. I miss her taking me arounf the colony on her bike though I was pertified.
79. I miss her confidence and faith in life.
80. I miss her putting wierd nail polish and stinking up the huse.
81. I miss her taking her own pictures form the camera.
82. I miss her collection of womens magzines, and how she would get excited to see a new one.
83. I miss her complaining about Mom and Dad and then 10 mins later telling me why she loves them nonetheless.
84. I miss her innocence and her devilness at the same time.
85. I miss how she knew excatly what I would like and what I wouldn't
86. I miss her smell and the way her kisses mean so much.
87. I miss making love to her and holding her close.
88. I miss her wearing my T Shirts I always thought she looked super in those.
89. I miss her meeting Rahim with me.
90. I miss her making me always stop for MoMo's at Dorabjees.
91. I miss her telling me stories of Meerkut Manor.
92. I miss her leaving the Tap on the shower position so I would get soaked !!
93. "Na Samaj Doggie Tumne Mujhe Cartoon Bana Diya Booga Booga Booga"
94. I miss her asking me to come out and watch movies with her, what would I not pay now for it
95. I miss her choosing things for the house with me.
96. I miss her telling me what all needs to finxed in the house.
97. I miss her shouting at me when I would not have lunch.
98. I miss her sharing my happiness and my sadness.
99. I miss everything about her, the good, the bad, the ugly, the pain, the joy, the laughter, the sadness, the tear everything.
100. I miss you, June.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
What am I fighting for.
Yesterday I met her in the evening. The past week she had been leaving me msgs on my GTalk so I thought I would finally call her after a few weeks and since it was Monday, I thought it was good enough to talk to her. So I did, and she said we could meet in the evening.
We go out drive around a bit and talk generally about how the weekend was and where all each of us partyed etc. Go to the fuel pump, and to buy the cats food, and kept the conversation light. I picked her up form the cafe' again and dropped her off there after an hour or so.
Well the positive, was the she was happy to drive around, and for once she herself said we could keep driving longer and we did till she was getting late. She herself offered to go out and get the cat food when I asked her to sit and wait till I did so. She seemed happier than me to see me and wasn't really angry at all. Said I could call her anytime, but not too much, and on her phone itself.
The negative, well I guess this was all inside me or all because I expected too much secretly I guess. I mean I knew when I went there I would be giving her space and not touching her or coming close and I did exactly that. But yes I did want to kiss her and hug her but its OK that's not a privileged I have now. Before leaving we hugged and said bye.
But what has changed, I feel something inside me is changing. I mean after yesterday, I realized that what I really miss is My June, the June who lived with me and who loved me endlessly. I don't miss this woman sitting in my car, and no I don't want to go out and make the effort to make her feel whatever she wants to feel. I mean I am honest and I don't want to play games to be with someone, I believe that love should be enough, but sometimes I guess Love is just not enough. I also have to ask what I really want if I want June she would never be back how she was unless it is way way after wards in life. She will never move in with me unless I marry her, and we will never be able to travel like we did and nor would we be able to be with each other like we did so really what am I looking for? what am I fighting for? When I know that what we shared will never come back to how it was. Yes it can be different and more beautiful, but it wont be the same.
We go out drive around a bit and talk generally about how the weekend was and where all each of us partyed etc. Go to the fuel pump, and to buy the cats food, and kept the conversation light. I picked her up form the cafe' again and dropped her off there after an hour or so.
Well the positive, was the she was happy to drive around, and for once she herself said we could keep driving longer and we did till she was getting late. She herself offered to go out and get the cat food when I asked her to sit and wait till I did so. She seemed happier than me to see me and wasn't really angry at all. Said I could call her anytime, but not too much, and on her phone itself.
The negative, well I guess this was all inside me or all because I expected too much secretly I guess. I mean I knew when I went there I would be giving her space and not touching her or coming close and I did exactly that. But yes I did want to kiss her and hug her but its OK that's not a privileged I have now. Before leaving we hugged and said bye.
But what has changed, I feel something inside me is changing. I mean after yesterday, I realized that what I really miss is My June, the June who lived with me and who loved me endlessly. I don't miss this woman sitting in my car, and no I don't want to go out and make the effort to make her feel whatever she wants to feel. I mean I am honest and I don't want to play games to be with someone, I believe that love should be enough, but sometimes I guess Love is just not enough. I also have to ask what I really want if I want June she would never be back how she was unless it is way way after wards in life. She will never move in with me unless I marry her, and we will never be able to travel like we did and nor would we be able to be with each other like we did so really what am I looking for? what am I fighting for? When I know that what we shared will never come back to how it was. Yes it can be different and more beautiful, but it wont be the same.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
What do I write?
What do I write? What has changed what is new? Really Nothing at all. The weekend came and went, I was out both nights and slept all day during the day, each night I missed her and each day I prayed for her to maybe call or send me a note saying hello. But no, none so whatsoever. Last she left me a msg on Saturday on GTalk, but I had to setp out so I simply replied, "I have to go if you wanna talk you can call me." But I know she won't call for atleast a few months, but I know I wait and hope in vain.
What is hope?
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
I will leave the post to just that. Cause it says more than I have to write about my state, its only Hope that is my ally I thought but after reading the above quote it is the worst possible ally.
What is hope?
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
I will leave the post to just that. Cause it says more than I have to write about my state, its only Hope that is my ally I thought but after reading the above quote it is the worst possible ally.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Not much left to write.
I haven't written for a few days, thats only because I dot know what to write. Like I wrote before I am exhausted. Exhausted of ideas or even of things to do. I mean she knows I love her and I really do. But now I am helpless, the things she has said and done push me really far from her.
She hugs and kisses me and then tells me they were lies. She calls me a stalker and shouts at me in a restaurant. I give her space she wants and then also I am wrong. She won't even give me her number when she can give it to everyone else. One day she calls me for dinner the next she never wants to keep in touch. One day she is so in love the other so very indifferent.
What can I do really? I want to call her and meet her but now I ask myself where would that lead me to? If I call her what will I gain, she will only call me a stalker or tell me she doesn't want to see me which will put me back to the ground again and will break me. All I can do is hope for her heart to change, I can only hope she finds the love in me that she is looking for, I can only hope that one day she would mean what she says and she would make me believe her words more than saying she loves me.
She hugs and kisses me and then tells me they were lies. She calls me a stalker and shouts at me in a restaurant. I give her space she wants and then also I am wrong. She won't even give me her number when she can give it to everyone else. One day she calls me for dinner the next she never wants to keep in touch. One day she is so in love the other so very indifferent.
What can I do really? I want to call her and meet her but now I ask myself where would that lead me to? If I call her what will I gain, she will only call me a stalker or tell me she doesn't want to see me which will put me back to the ground again and will break me. All I can do is hope for her heart to change, I can only hope she finds the love in me that she is looking for, I can only hope that one day she would mean what she says and she would make me believe her words more than saying she loves me.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
God only you...
Oh well, another one of those days I guess. I have been depressed since I woke up. Nothing seems to be going right today agian and her thoughts keep haunting me. I have no where to look now, even my friends have given up on me. And I am not even allowed to utter her name to them. And she won't even talk to me.
God only you can help me now, only you. God is the only person I can look to and maybe speak my mind to. Only he knows what we shared and since she is turning a blind eye to it all I only have God who can maybe understand. I look towards him and ask him how much longer is he gonna put me through this. Hasn't it been enough already? I mean I haven't cried so much in my life. And all this for someone I care about. And I believe I am a very normal human, I always try be honest and caring and never have bad intentions of anyone. I never try to even hurt anyone. I don't know what I have done wrong in my life now to be going through. I only loved her and that's all I did. I tried to be there for her whenever she needed me, and tried to give her all that I could. I tried to give her more happiness that even I could get for myself. Really God you know that I was happy to spend the rest of my life with her and God you know she is happy that way too, so why are you playing this cruel game on us both. God you have put her through life just as you have put me through, you have made her lose all faith in 'Love', God you know she is very very loving and caring and she needs to be loved and I love her more than myself. God you know I will never betray or leave her, you know I will always be there for her if she gave me a chance. God you know she can believe in 'Love' once again so why do you push her away so much? Why are you testing either me or her God?
I am grateful to you for giving me all the things I needed and for making me who I am till now, and for taking care of me and of her. God, in my life you have worked in very mysterious way, sometimes you made me lose my faith in you and sometimes you made me believe in you. I have always let a lot of people down, I never knew what I wanted and I always did a lot of wrong. But God finally after many many years after all what everyone went through I though maybe you finally looked upon us and I thought that finally you maybe thought about giving us a lot of happiness. Happiness of progress. God I want a family with her, I love her. God you know that I will never hurt her, so why do you put us through this. God don't make me lose my faith again, don't put me through this again, please God, I need a miracle. I do please help me out.
When you took away my Grandma, I didn't turn to you, I took it as a part of carried on, though everything in my life changed. Then you took my Grandpa away, it was shocking, but still I never turned to you, cause I took that as a part of life too, and carried on. I thought the next step in my life is here. I thought I needed to carry on now and start my family. When I came back here she was there for me, and gave me all the support I needed. Really God, I believed that this was it, that this girl is the one for me who I want to spend the rest of my life with. In that one night I grew up, I grew up all of a sudden. All of a sudden I didn't want to be any rally driver, or any rich man, I just wanted to be a the man for her. That's all I really wanted. Why did you do this to us? Why did you do this to me? and Why did you do this to her? And why are you still doing it? I will never understand any of it.
God only you can help me now, only you. God is the only person I can look to and maybe speak my mind to. Only he knows what we shared and since she is turning a blind eye to it all I only have God who can maybe understand. I look towards him and ask him how much longer is he gonna put me through this. Hasn't it been enough already? I mean I haven't cried so much in my life. And all this for someone I care about. And I believe I am a very normal human, I always try be honest and caring and never have bad intentions of anyone. I never try to even hurt anyone. I don't know what I have done wrong in my life now to be going through. I only loved her and that's all I did. I tried to be there for her whenever she needed me, and tried to give her all that I could. I tried to give her more happiness that even I could get for myself. Really God you know that I was happy to spend the rest of my life with her and God you know she is happy that way too, so why are you playing this cruel game on us both. God you have put her through life just as you have put me through, you have made her lose all faith in 'Love', God you know she is very very loving and caring and she needs to be loved and I love her more than myself. God you know I will never betray or leave her, you know I will always be there for her if she gave me a chance. God you know she can believe in 'Love' once again so why do you push her away so much? Why are you testing either me or her God?
I am grateful to you for giving me all the things I needed and for making me who I am till now, and for taking care of me and of her. God, in my life you have worked in very mysterious way, sometimes you made me lose my faith in you and sometimes you made me believe in you. I have always let a lot of people down, I never knew what I wanted and I always did a lot of wrong. But God finally after many many years after all what everyone went through I though maybe you finally looked upon us and I thought that finally you maybe thought about giving us a lot of happiness. Happiness of progress. God I want a family with her, I love her. God you know that I will never hurt her, so why do you put us through this. God don't make me lose my faith again, don't put me through this again, please God, I need a miracle. I do please help me out.
When you took away my Grandma, I didn't turn to you, I took it as a part of carried on, though everything in my life changed. Then you took my Grandpa away, it was shocking, but still I never turned to you, cause I took that as a part of life too, and carried on. I thought the next step in my life is here. I thought I needed to carry on now and start my family. When I came back here she was there for me, and gave me all the support I needed. Really God, I believed that this was it, that this girl is the one for me who I want to spend the rest of my life with. In that one night I grew up, I grew up all of a sudden. All of a sudden I didn't want to be any rally driver, or any rich man, I just wanted to be a the man for her. That's all I really wanted. Why did you do this to us? Why did you do this to me? and Why did you do this to her? And why are you still doing it? I will never understand any of it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Exhausted Emotionally.
Well where do I start today? Today I dont even feel like writing in this blog. I mean I somehow feel tired. I mean mentally exhausted. I don't even want to think of her or think of her feelings, or I dont want to analyze anything. I am just sick and really really tired of all this.
Ok I spoke to her, I left a message for her to call. And surprisingly she did call back. I spoke to her for a few minutes and told her I will call back. Then I first went to a card shop bought a sorry card for her and called her back and asked if I could see her somewhere and I had something to give her. She said she just saw me drive past so I should turn around and meet her where she is having her lunch. I met her there with her roommate, and then gave her the card, and asked if I could maybe sit for a bit. And she said ofcourse. But then it started, for the next 20 mins all she did was Shout at me and tell me what all I have done wrong and what all I said that she didnt like and that she wanted to leave town and be gone and wants to never seem me. She was so angry that I could not get thru to her no matter what I said. I excused myself and left for a bit.I went to the card shop again and bought like 10 I am sorry cards and went back and gave it to her. She wasnt really amused but started to calm down atleast. Then we spoke for a bit but her stand didnt change she never wanted to be back in touch.
Then we went for a smoke outside, she was more calm now and atleast spoke to me calmly. And said she is not angry at me anymore and understands it was a misunderstanding, but thought we should not keep in touch because she has had a very harrowing week with me. I agreed, to whatever she had to say, then while walking back I suggested maybe if I would could buy her a magzine, to which she smiled and agreed, it started from there. Then we started to speak like we were much better she was now smiling and seemed much happier. Bought a few magzines, for her and we looked around books, she now left her roomie somewhere. Then she spent more time with me we walked around the mall and looked at things for me and for her. We said we would meet again and maybe do this again. We window shopped and yes we had a nice evening, and she said I can call her on her rommies phone but she would still not give me her number.
Then it was getting late so I told her I needed to go and I left. Later that night, I was told she was out somewhere partying which I didnt really care cause I was doing exactly the same thing just at another night club.
I mean it was a nice evening and all but I really dont know anything. I mean she has started to make me feel really really sick of myself and me in general. I mean I do so much for her, I bend in each way to accomodate her and to make her happy and she really doesn't make any effort in return. I really dont want to be in a relation with somone who treats me like this. really I am tired now.
Ok I spoke to her, I left a message for her to call. And surprisingly she did call back. I spoke to her for a few minutes and told her I will call back. Then I first went to a card shop bought a sorry card for her and called her back and asked if I could see her somewhere and I had something to give her. She said she just saw me drive past so I should turn around and meet her where she is having her lunch. I met her there with her roommate, and then gave her the card, and asked if I could maybe sit for a bit. And she said ofcourse. But then it started, for the next 20 mins all she did was Shout at me and tell me what all I have done wrong and what all I said that she didnt like and that she wanted to leave town and be gone and wants to never seem me. She was so angry that I could not get thru to her no matter what I said. I excused myself and left for a bit.I went to the card shop again and bought like 10 I am sorry cards and went back and gave it to her. She wasnt really amused but started to calm down atleast. Then we spoke for a bit but her stand didnt change she never wanted to be back in touch.
Then we went for a smoke outside, she was more calm now and atleast spoke to me calmly. And said she is not angry at me anymore and understands it was a misunderstanding, but thought we should not keep in touch because she has had a very harrowing week with me. I agreed, to whatever she had to say, then while walking back I suggested maybe if I would could buy her a magzine, to which she smiled and agreed, it started from there. Then we started to speak like we were much better she was now smiling and seemed much happier. Bought a few magzines, for her and we looked around books, she now left her roomie somewhere. Then she spent more time with me we walked around the mall and looked at things for me and for her. We said we would meet again and maybe do this again. We window shopped and yes we had a nice evening, and she said I can call her on her rommies phone but she would still not give me her number.
Then it was getting late so I told her I needed to go and I left. Later that night, I was told she was out somewhere partying which I didnt really care cause I was doing exactly the same thing just at another night club.
I mean it was a nice evening and all but I really dont know anything. I mean she has started to make me feel really really sick of myself and me in general. I mean I do so much for her, I bend in each way to accomodate her and to make her happy and she really doesn't make any effort in return. I really dont want to be in a relation with somone who treats me like this. really I am tired now.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Chasing Ghosts
Today I am laughing at myself. Really I am. I am laughing at myself, and my how fate is treating me. I mean, let me just recall the last few days.
Thruday, 11 Dec.
She called me over for dinner. I took some flowers for her and went there. Things at frst were wierd for me, but soon enough I became comfortable and so did she. We had a nice time, we went out for a drive kissed a few times, came back and stay together till late nite and it was really nice. I really did have a great evening. And she we made plans to meet the next day.
Friday 12 Dec.
Called her in the evening. She said she would meet me whereever I was at. We met and She came with her roommate and her friends new guy. And I was there with a few friends. Whow She had completly changed. Yes she did look really nice, but changed not in that way, but in her attitude towards me. I mean she couldn't care less if I was there or not. She was completly indifferent. She then wanted to go home, and didnt't really want to even talk much. On the drive home, When I spoke about us, she just mad at me and threw a tantrum. Why does she do that when all she has to do is communicate? She said maybe it was a bad idea to even meet again cause she really doesn't want love at all. She wants me as a friend. She started to cry and simply siad: "See what you do to me.." What did I do, I just said I loved her. I mean, tell me what you feel June, even if you don't just be honest to yourself. The worst of it all was she told me she kissed me cause she didnt want me to feel hurt. Lady wasn't she the one who made contact? Wasn't she the one who cried in my arms a few days back?
Saturday 13 Dec.
we spoke, and she said to call her when I was leaving and tell her where I was going so that if She felt like seeing me she would come there. She knew where I was going anyway. I didn't call her. I went there with my friends and she was there with her. She came and said Hi and that is quite all we spoke about. Before leaving I just said "Bye" and left.
And today I get a message saying nope she now doesn't want to keep in touch again cause I was immature, and was angry at her. Whilst in all honesty I felt she didn't want to be with me. Or really talk or anything. I was never angry I simply said "Bye."
I guess I was writing this blog cause I never understood why we really parted, and cause i really loved her, but now after this one week, that I met her. I realized, yes I am chasing Ghosts. She is not who I love, the one I love died the day she walked out on me. She is not that, this girl I spent time with this week killed her long ago, she is not my June. That June meant her kisses, and that June meant her tears. That June liked the small things in life and was happy to be in love, and loved me. That June dead. I have to stop Chasing Ghosts.
Thruday, 11 Dec.
She called me over for dinner. I took some flowers for her and went there. Things at frst were wierd for me, but soon enough I became comfortable and so did she. We had a nice time, we went out for a drive kissed a few times, came back and stay together till late nite and it was really nice. I really did have a great evening. And she we made plans to meet the next day.
Friday 12 Dec.
Called her in the evening. She said she would meet me whereever I was at. We met and She came with her roommate and her friends new guy. And I was there with a few friends. Whow She had completly changed. Yes she did look really nice, but changed not in that way, but in her attitude towards me. I mean she couldn't care less if I was there or not. She was completly indifferent. She then wanted to go home, and didnt't really want to even talk much. On the drive home, When I spoke about us, she just mad at me and threw a tantrum. Why does she do that when all she has to do is communicate? She said maybe it was a bad idea to even meet again cause she really doesn't want love at all. She wants me as a friend. She started to cry and simply siad: "See what you do to me.." What did I do, I just said I loved her. I mean, tell me what you feel June, even if you don't just be honest to yourself. The worst of it all was she told me she kissed me cause she didnt want me to feel hurt. Lady wasn't she the one who made contact? Wasn't she the one who cried in my arms a few days back?
Saturday 13 Dec.
we spoke, and she said to call her when I was leaving and tell her where I was going so that if She felt like seeing me she would come there. She knew where I was going anyway. I didn't call her. I went there with my friends and she was there with her. She came and said Hi and that is quite all we spoke about. Before leaving I just said "Bye" and left.
And today I get a message saying nope she now doesn't want to keep in touch again cause I was immature, and was angry at her. Whilst in all honesty I felt she didn't want to be with me. Or really talk or anything. I was never angry I simply said "Bye."
I guess I was writing this blog cause I never understood why we really parted, and cause i really loved her, but now after this one week, that I met her. I realized, yes I am chasing Ghosts. She is not who I love, the one I love died the day she walked out on me. She is not that, this girl I spent time with this week killed her long ago, she is not my June. That June meant her kisses, and that June meant her tears. That June liked the small things in life and was happy to be in love, and loved me. That June dead. I have to stop Chasing Ghosts.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
What am I?
Today I dont know what to write here. I mean hell, how long has it been 3 months now, or close to and I have only her in my head and its actually been enough. I'll just write an update of what all has happened and my feeling today here.
Ok, she met me on Tuesday like I wrote in my last post. That dinner we were to have with her Mom hasn't happened yet. She has told me to come by any time today for it whenever I am hungry. I mean if I am hungry I can simply eat at home. Why is she making me feel as though I am waiting to meet her Mom and have dinner there I mean I am fine with just meeting her.
She is only givng me confused siginals and I dont know what to do about it. On one hand I feel hurt she doesnt want me and things are not like how they were. But on the other hand she is atleast making an effort to make things better in a friendly way between us. I mean I dont know how I stand or where I stand all I know if I care about this girl but now I am getting fed up of it.
I just want to know clearly what am I to her? I mean you don't break up with someone who you want to have a future with do you? I want a future with her but she certainly doesn't feel that way about me. There is nothing I can do about it.
Ok, she met me on Tuesday like I wrote in my last post. That dinner we were to have with her Mom hasn't happened yet. She has told me to come by any time today for it whenever I am hungry. I mean if I am hungry I can simply eat at home. Why is she making me feel as though I am waiting to meet her Mom and have dinner there I mean I am fine with just meeting her.
She is only givng me confused siginals and I dont know what to do about it. On one hand I feel hurt she doesnt want me and things are not like how they were. But on the other hand she is atleast making an effort to make things better in a friendly way between us. I mean I dont know how I stand or where I stand all I know if I care about this girl but now I am getting fed up of it.
I just want to know clearly what am I to her? I mean you don't break up with someone who you want to have a future with do you? I want a future with her but she certainly doesn't feel that way about me. There is nothing I can do about it.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Where do I stand.
I finally spoke to her. And she told me she got busy on Monday and when she didn't see my call, she didn't call as she thought I must have been busy. What a joke I feel. She knew very well that I would have been back etc. And yes she did seem a bit eager to meet me yesterday and I told her I was out somewhere so I would se her in a few hours. A few hours after her call I went and met her and we drove around. I just wanted to know I guess what she had in mind. When asked what I did instead, I told her the truth which was I was out to a movie with some (girl)-friends.
At the end of it all this is what I gather from her. I asked her what she wanted and expected from us, as this is really hurting me, as I still love her a lot, and I was confused as to what she wanted. She told me she first wanted us to be friends, she wants to hold me, kiss me and meet me and spend time with me and but she wanted to get in touch as she really missed me, and that she could not take not knowing what I was up to, and said she couldn't deal with not knowing anything about someone she shared everything with for over 2 years.
If asked if she loved me, then she simply said if not why would she come to see me, and ofcourse she did a bit but not like before. She wanted me to be ok, and not be obsessed with her and to not be depressed about the whole thing that had happened between us first, and not to ever look sad to her. She said she doesn't want flowers or gifts or to be shown how much I love her but wants me to be just normal, to be just there for her, she said she knew what she meant to me. She said how can she want everything back she cut me off too for over a month completely, and I replied if you didn't why would you hold me and cry on friday. She had no reply but tears in her eyes, and simply asked me to drop her off.
I told her being friends like this is just going to push moving on for us further, and we should not really meet if she never wants to be with me. She simply said, I never said never ! I dont want it right now.
After which she had to leave, we discussed us a bit more, and she said, I will get everything I want just to give it time and to not ask for it. And then she gave me a big kiss like everything was great and ran off.
I feel, she misses me and thats why she called. But she is not ready to get back together. Hell ! How can she be ready for it when she put me thru it all. She is going thru some amount of guilt or feeling bad about the whole thing, I suspect that 'cause she wants to clarify stuff between us about the times when I got angry or the times when things went wrong, after the break up. She wants me to be ok with the whole thing as if she is justified in her decision of leaving me maybe. She wants her distance as well, because she doesn't give me her new number, but at the same time she wants me to be just there hanging cause she does make some effort to come out and meet me.
She told me she will call me the next day and maybe we can have dinner together with her Mom, lets see if she even calls. I dont know what to do, I mean what can I do? I think I will just see where it goes, she knows very clearly what my intentions are somehow I feel she just needs time to come around....
At the end of it all this is what I gather from her. I asked her what she wanted and expected from us, as this is really hurting me, as I still love her a lot, and I was confused as to what she wanted. She told me she first wanted us to be friends, she wants to hold me, kiss me and meet me and spend time with me and but she wanted to get in touch as she really missed me, and that she could not take not knowing what I was up to, and said she couldn't deal with not knowing anything about someone she shared everything with for over 2 years.
If asked if she loved me, then she simply said if not why would she come to see me, and ofcourse she did a bit but not like before. She wanted me to be ok, and not be obsessed with her and to not be depressed about the whole thing that had happened between us first, and not to ever look sad to her. She said she doesn't want flowers or gifts or to be shown how much I love her but wants me to be just normal, to be just there for her, she said she knew what she meant to me. She said how can she want everything back she cut me off too for over a month completely, and I replied if you didn't why would you hold me and cry on friday. She had no reply but tears in her eyes, and simply asked me to drop her off.
I told her being friends like this is just going to push moving on for us further, and we should not really meet if she never wants to be with me. She simply said, I never said never ! I dont want it right now.
After which she had to leave, we discussed us a bit more, and she said, I will get everything I want just to give it time and to not ask for it. And then she gave me a big kiss like everything was great and ran off.
I feel, she misses me and thats why she called. But she is not ready to get back together. Hell ! How can she be ready for it when she put me thru it all. She is going thru some amount of guilt or feeling bad about the whole thing, I suspect that 'cause she wants to clarify stuff between us about the times when I got angry or the times when things went wrong, after the break up. She wants me to be ok with the whole thing as if she is justified in her decision of leaving me maybe. She wants her distance as well, because she doesn't give me her new number, but at the same time she wants me to be just there hanging cause she does make some effort to come out and meet me.
She told me she will call me the next day and maybe we can have dinner together with her Mom, lets see if she even calls. I dont know what to do, I mean what can I do? I think I will just see where it goes, she knows very clearly what my intentions are somehow I feel she just needs time to come around....
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Rollercoster ride.
Update:
I don't know if I should be happy or sad.On Thrusday she Sent me a msg on IM, I didnt reply for a while, and then I finally did, and then our conversation went from one thing to the other. At first it was really awkard and I wasn't letting out anything but we spoke for almost an hour or so then, and she seemed to be very interested. Then we planned to meet.
I met her outside the cafe after work. She saw me and came into the cry gave me a huge hug and didn't let go for a while, she had tears in her eyes, and said it had been too long. We drove around a bit, kissed and then I dropped her off, and planned to meet next day after her exam for lunch.
We met for lunch, had a nice time, and she even said she is really glad things are back to how they were or atleast now they can be atleast.
I picked her up after her exam, she just said to her friends I had come to get her. They were surprised, we went out to lunch, she came by for a bit to our place to meet her cat etc. Then I was leaving for the weekend to go out of town and went away. We spoke on the weekked, and she said maybe we could do dinner on Monday, I was fine with that. She said she would call and we could fix a plan. Now the problem is that that is supposed to be yesterday. No I got no call, I mean her phone is again off again cause I finally tried to call in the evening to see whats going on.
I really don't even know what I should be feeling. I mean seriously, this is crazy. I don't know what is going on thru her head, at all. Does she even want me ? Why is she acting this way ? What wrong did I do now ? Should I think even if she cares or should I think she doesn't ? Why is she doing this to me ? Should I feel loved or should I feel left out in the cold? I mean one day I have such a nice day she tells me everything is back to how it was and she feels great about it and the very next she acts as if nothing has changed and we are still are two different worlds end. I hate it and I hate being torn, I hate being treated this way by the person I love the most. There are so many others who care for me and are waiting to talk to me but this life is so wierd that the one I want the most doesnt want to talk to me.
I don't know if I should be happy or sad.On Thrusday she Sent me a msg on IM, I didnt reply for a while, and then I finally did, and then our conversation went from one thing to the other. At first it was really awkard and I wasn't letting out anything but we spoke for almost an hour or so then, and she seemed to be very interested. Then we planned to meet.
I met her outside the cafe after work. She saw me and came into the cry gave me a huge hug and didn't let go for a while, she had tears in her eyes, and said it had been too long. We drove around a bit, kissed and then I dropped her off, and planned to meet next day after her exam for lunch.
We met for lunch, had a nice time, and she even said she is really glad things are back to how they were or atleast now they can be atleast.
I picked her up after her exam, she just said to her friends I had come to get her. They were surprised, we went out to lunch, she came by for a bit to our place to meet her cat etc. Then I was leaving for the weekend to go out of town and went away. We spoke on the weekked, and she said maybe we could do dinner on Monday, I was fine with that. She said she would call and we could fix a plan. Now the problem is that that is supposed to be yesterday. No I got no call, I mean her phone is again off again cause I finally tried to call in the evening to see whats going on.
I really don't even know what I should be feeling. I mean seriously, this is crazy. I don't know what is going on thru her head, at all. Does she even want me ? Why is she acting this way ? What wrong did I do now ? Should I think even if she cares or should I think she doesn't ? Why is she doing this to me ? Should I feel loved or should I feel left out in the cold? I mean one day I have such a nice day she tells me everything is back to how it was and she feels great about it and the very next she acts as if nothing has changed and we are still are two different worlds end. I hate it and I hate being torn, I hate being treated this way by the person I love the most. There are so many others who care for me and are waiting to talk to me but this life is so wierd that the one I want the most doesnt want to talk to me.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Will she even reply?
Humm, its been a weird morning. I have sent the letter and I don't know what her reaction is gonna be.
I feel like the kid in school I was and wrote a letter to my first crush, and wondered how she would take it. And wondered if everything I have written made sense, and more importantly made sense to her. I really don't know what to write I have butterflies in my stomach and I know I will not get a reply for a while if at all. But I am still so eager in hope that it is ridiculous. She has her exams, and I must realize that I am not the only thing on her mind like she is on mine. Which I agree is not a good think for me either, but I really miss her and now after sending her the mail I am even more anxious about what she will write back if at all.
June I really miss you, and I really want to be with you. Just maybe see you and talk to you, or spend an afternoon with you again in the park. Or do anything that you would like, but just spend some time with you. I don't even know how long its been since I really spent time with her. The last tme hugged me was near the taxi before I left for home and yes I miss those times. I miss you. I miss you a lot. And I wonder all the time where you are and what you would be doing or if you ever even think of me, or by now I am forgotten?
I feel like the kid in school I was and wrote a letter to my first crush, and wondered how she would take it. And wondered if everything I have written made sense, and more importantly made sense to her. I really don't know what to write I have butterflies in my stomach and I know I will not get a reply for a while if at all. But I am still so eager in hope that it is ridiculous. She has her exams, and I must realize that I am not the only thing on her mind like she is on mine. Which I agree is not a good think for me either, but I really miss her and now after sending her the mail I am even more anxious about what she will write back if at all.
June I really miss you, and I really want to be with you. Just maybe see you and talk to you, or spend an afternoon with you again in the park. Or do anything that you would like, but just spend some time with you. I don't even know how long its been since I really spent time with her. The last tme hugged me was near the taxi before I left for home and yes I miss those times. I miss you. I miss you a lot. And I wonder all the time where you are and what you would be doing or if you ever even think of me, or by now I am forgotten?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
My Reply?
June, I had been really hurt and I am trying to get back to being normal. I still have a lot of feelings towards you and I don't think we can ever be able to be just friends. You mean a lot to me and I have shared a lot with you, its hard to be friends now. I have realized my mistakes and our shortcomings, I am willing to work on it, and I am willing to work on everything that was wrong between us. I know things will be very very different than how they were, but it does not have to mean it is for the worse. I can be friends, I mean I can spend time with you, and talk to you, and do things that friends do, but at the end of it all, I will still be in love with you, and would only be friends just to see if it leads us anywhere. I love you but when it comes to you I can't be second best to you. I am sorry.
June, like you said you are young, and you need to be young, and I understand that. At your age I was quite crazy too and I too made a lot of mistakes. And I guess you need to learn that on your own maybe without me, and you need to grow maybe on your own. And you'll do just fine, you are very a strong and positive person, you even took care of me for two years, I am sure you'll do just great. I understand that you had been going through a hard time in your life with your new college, Mom moving here and way I was, I hope things are better for you now. I know you have your exams and you don't need me right now in your life. Just concentrate on your studies because that's your future. I am sure they will be good and I have great confidence in you.
June, I am always there for you and I really care. If you ever need me you know how to get in touch. And this doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. I still love you as much as I ever did. And I still mean every word I have written in each of my emails to you. I still miss your smile, your lips, your eyes without lenses, and you drooling all over the pillow and your laughter, or how nice you looked in the new white top and how peaceful you were when you slept like a baby, or just looking at you playing in the sand in Goa or how you cared for the dogs who had no one. Or even tripping hard with you, or the Diwali we spent together, I'll never forget them, they are very beautiful memories to me and I will always cherish them. They were some of the best times in my life and I won't let go of those. As far as I go I still want to share my life with you, nothing has changed for me, maybe I have just realized myself what you meant to me.
June, this is one of the hardest emails I have ever written to you, but really being friends is just going to bring me more hurt, when I have just picked up the pieces, and it will push moving on for us both further away. If you don't want to love me then I think it's best not to attempt to be just friends yet, cause there is no place more lonely than being next to the person you love the most and not being loved in return. And I still love you a lot.
June, if ever something changes inside you and you feel we can be more than friends, or if ever you think we can maybe talk about us, or want to start over on a different note, or to maybe see if we want to even be with each other let me know. Cause there is nothing I want more than being together again. I feel there is so much unsaid between us even now, and if we would just calmly communicate to each other we could be so much better. If we are a just a bit more understanding and expressive about how we really feel inside, we could be happier than we ever were.
June, we have our differences but if we love each other enough we can make it work, even through it all, and through all that has happened. You can always email me and let me know how you are doing and how things are at your end, again you have my number and a phone isn't far if you ever need to talk. I still love you but its no longer about me or what I want, its about you June, its about if you know what you want. Or if you even want me, I want you like crazy but there is nothing I can do about it, I can't change your heart, I can only change mine.
Again, If you want to meet me or spend time with me to maybe see how we even feel around each other, I'd be more than glad to do that. Cause honestly, I don't even know how I'd will feel when I see you, I mean I love you endlessly, but now its been a very long time since I spent some time with you, or even saw you. Maybe you have changed maybe I have, I don't know.
Now take care of yourself, and nothing matters to you more than yourself, well you matter a lot to me but that's besides the point right now. Really Take Care of yourself you are worth it.
June, like you said you are young, and you need to be young, and I understand that. At your age I was quite crazy too and I too made a lot of mistakes. And I guess you need to learn that on your own maybe without me, and you need to grow maybe on your own. And you'll do just fine, you are very a strong and positive person, you even took care of me for two years, I am sure you'll do just great. I understand that you had been going through a hard time in your life with your new college, Mom moving here and way I was, I hope things are better for you now. I know you have your exams and you don't need me right now in your life. Just concentrate on your studies because that's your future. I am sure they will be good and I have great confidence in you.
June, I am always there for you and I really care. If you ever need me you know how to get in touch. And this doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. I still love you as much as I ever did. And I still mean every word I have written in each of my emails to you. I still miss your smile, your lips, your eyes without lenses, and you drooling all over the pillow and your laughter, or how nice you looked in the new white top and how peaceful you were when you slept like a baby, or just looking at you playing in the sand in Goa or how you cared for the dogs who had no one. Or even tripping hard with you, or the Diwali we spent together, I'll never forget them, they are very beautiful memories to me and I will always cherish them. They were some of the best times in my life and I won't let go of those. As far as I go I still want to share my life with you, nothing has changed for me, maybe I have just realized myself what you meant to me.
June, this is one of the hardest emails I have ever written to you, but really being friends is just going to bring me more hurt, when I have just picked up the pieces, and it will push moving on for us both further away. If you don't want to love me then I think it's best not to attempt to be just friends yet, cause there is no place more lonely than being next to the person you love the most and not being loved in return. And I still love you a lot.
June, if ever something changes inside you and you feel we can be more than friends, or if ever you think we can maybe talk about us, or want to start over on a different note, or to maybe see if we want to even be with each other let me know. Cause there is nothing I want more than being together again. I feel there is so much unsaid between us even now, and if we would just calmly communicate to each other we could be so much better. If we are a just a bit more understanding and expressive about how we really feel inside, we could be happier than we ever were.
June, we have our differences but if we love each other enough we can make it work, even through it all, and through all that has happened. You can always email me and let me know how you are doing and how things are at your end, again you have my number and a phone isn't far if you ever need to talk. I still love you but its no longer about me or what I want, its about you June, its about if you know what you want. Or if you even want me, I want you like crazy but there is nothing I can do about it, I can't change your heart, I can only change mine.
Again, If you want to meet me or spend time with me to maybe see how we even feel around each other, I'd be more than glad to do that. Cause honestly, I don't even know how I'd will feel when I see you, I mean I love you endlessly, but now its been a very long time since I spent some time with you, or even saw you. Maybe you have changed maybe I have, I don't know.
Now take care of yourself, and nothing matters to you more than yourself, well you matter a lot to me but that's besides the point right now. Really Take Care of yourself you are worth it.
Today has been a bit different
Today has been a bit different. I dont know why. But there is somethng different. I mean, I feel different about her. I don't know if it was the e-mail she sent, or it was the idea of really asking myself, if I want her now. If I want someone who has caused me all this pain and suffering. And left me with no answers and simply walked away. I mean not that she is ever coming back.
After her e-mail, I thought to myself, do I really want to be a 'Friend' of hers? Even if I do, for what? What will I gain out of it? Be a friend of hers just to know she is seeing someone else? Or being her friend when she needs me and nothing about when I need her? Friends need a two way street and not one, a friend can't just walk on someone else's feelings and expect that person to be fine with it. June, she walked away not only on me feelings, but on everything even she stood for. She walked away on whatever even she said to herself too. Do i want a friend like that?
Now coming to lovers, Yes I do want her as that. There is a difference here, I do want to spend the rest of my life still with her, though whatever has happened, I can believe that she was young and didn't know what she wanted. And maybe has learnt a bit now or maybe has realized that I did love her and that we had something nice between us. I don't call a lost person who returns home lost, the same way if she comes back to me I am sure I can believe that she never left in the first place and can yes look past it all.
So I know with her it is everything or nothing.
But now she has to Hit and Hit hard.
"Its not how hard you can hit, its how hard you can get hit"
After her e-mail, I thought to myself, do I really want to be a 'Friend' of hers? Even if I do, for what? What will I gain out of it? Be a friend of hers just to know she is seeing someone else? Or being her friend when she needs me and nothing about when I need her? Friends need a two way street and not one, a friend can't just walk on someone else's feelings and expect that person to be fine with it. June, she walked away not only on me feelings, but on everything even she stood for. She walked away on whatever even she said to herself too. Do i want a friend like that?
Now coming to lovers, Yes I do want her as that. There is a difference here, I do want to spend the rest of my life still with her, though whatever has happened, I can believe that she was young and didn't know what she wanted. And maybe has learnt a bit now or maybe has realized that I did love her and that we had something nice between us. I don't call a lost person who returns home lost, the same way if she comes back to me I am sure I can believe that she never left in the first place and can yes look past it all.
So I know with her it is everything or nothing.
But now she has to Hit and Hit hard.
"Its not how hard you can hit, its how hard you can get hit"
Kissing the Rain
Today it rained again. More like it poured, and I went and stood on the balcony and just felt the rain on me. It was beautiful. Beautiful to feel alive and beautiful to be able to just love someone.
And kept playing:
Hello...Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you
Hello...Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line? Are you sure you're there alone?
Cuz I'm, Trying to explain.
Somethings wrong, You just don't sound the same.
Why don't you, Why don't you
Go outside, Go outside, Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me, Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long,
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty, Kiss the rain.
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in mind, Were under the same sky
And the nights As empty for me as for you
If you feel, You cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain.
Hello...Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do.
But not the way I'm missing you.
Whats new? Hows the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you,re so far.
Oh would it mean anything,
If you knew, What I'm left imagining
In my mind, My mind,
Would you go, Would you go, Kiss the rain
As you fall Over me Think of me,
Think of me, Think of me, Only me,
Kiss the rain, Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long, If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted, Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in Mind
Were under the same sky, And the nights
As empty for me as for you.
If you feel you cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain
Hello...Can you hear me?
And kept playing:
Hello...Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you
Hello...Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line? Are you sure you're there alone?
Cuz I'm, Trying to explain.
Somethings wrong, You just don't sound the same.
Why don't you, Why don't you
Go outside, Go outside, Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me, Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long,
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty, Kiss the rain.
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in mind, Were under the same sky
And the nights As empty for me as for you
If you feel, You cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain.
Hello...Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do.
But not the way I'm missing you.
Whats new? Hows the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you,re so far.
Oh would it mean anything,
If you knew, What I'm left imagining
In my mind, My mind,
Would you go, Would you go, Kiss the rain
As you fall Over me Think of me,
Think of me, Think of me, Only me,
Kiss the rain, Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long, If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted, Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in Mind
Were under the same sky, And the nights
As empty for me as for you.
If you feel you cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain
Hello...Can you hear me?
Monday, December 1, 2008
Stop sending I love you e-mails
You mailed me today, and asked me to stop sending you emails that tell you that I love you, to forget all that happened between us. And to maybe start afresh as friends.
Stop sending you mails telling you I love you, that will be hard to do cause I do love you a lot stll, I dont know if you asked me to stop cause you don't believe me or cause you feel uncomfortable when someone tells you that I don't know. Maybe it has painful memories attached to it thats why you ask me not to say it. I don't know, maybe you are just fed up of it all and hate reading it I dont know. I leave the benefit of the doubt to you.
To forget all that has happened between us. Yes I can forget all the bad times, especially towards the end. But not it is not possible for me to forget all the better times and all the times when we were happy together. I am not a person who believes that my time spent with you was a waste or was not worth it, and that I need to forget it. No thats not what or who I am. I loved the time we spent together, and those were some of the best days of my life I am not willing to forget those. I will never forget those. Those will stay with me forever.
To start afresh as friends. June I will do anything, anything to make things better between us, yes I love you and if that means being a friend of yours even though it will hurt me and I would always want to be much more than that to you, I will try and I will try to be there for you whenever you need me. I just hope someday you will see that we are maybe happy together and that we can have a much better tomorrow than we ever did.
Yes this is another confusing mail, I really dont know what she is thinking. I feel is she is thinking a bit like me, she knows that we will never be the same and even if we have to things will be very very different now in every which way. We will never be able to live together and the whole thing would be very different. She nor I, don't know what to do or how to go about it. I feel she wants to meet, but when the time comes she is not sure or afraid like me as to what would happen and would rather not face it. She wants to make contact but doesn't know how to cause that would mean going back on all what she stood for. How can she give me her new number or call me when all this while she has been fighting so hard to keep me away. How can she even admit to herself that she is actually missing me even if she is? That is going against all she stood for in the past 2 months? Love is complicated, and so is life. I know we both are threading a very very fine line, we have lost each other now we don't even know how to get back even if we want to.
Stop sending you mails telling you I love you, that will be hard to do cause I do love you a lot stll, I dont know if you asked me to stop cause you don't believe me or cause you feel uncomfortable when someone tells you that I don't know. Maybe it has painful memories attached to it thats why you ask me not to say it. I don't know, maybe you are just fed up of it all and hate reading it I dont know. I leave the benefit of the doubt to you.
To forget all that has happened between us. Yes I can forget all the bad times, especially towards the end. But not it is not possible for me to forget all the better times and all the times when we were happy together. I am not a person who believes that my time spent with you was a waste or was not worth it, and that I need to forget it. No thats not what or who I am. I loved the time we spent together, and those were some of the best days of my life I am not willing to forget those. I will never forget those. Those will stay with me forever.
To start afresh as friends. June I will do anything, anything to make things better between us, yes I love you and if that means being a friend of yours even though it will hurt me and I would always want to be much more than that to you, I will try and I will try to be there for you whenever you need me. I just hope someday you will see that we are maybe happy together and that we can have a much better tomorrow than we ever did.
Yes this is another confusing mail, I really dont know what she is thinking. I feel is she is thinking a bit like me, she knows that we will never be the same and even if we have to things will be very very different now in every which way. We will never be able to live together and the whole thing would be very different. She nor I, don't know what to do or how to go about it. I feel she wants to meet, but when the time comes she is not sure or afraid like me as to what would happen and would rather not face it. She wants to make contact but doesn't know how to cause that would mean going back on all what she stood for. How can she give me her new number or call me when all this while she has been fighting so hard to keep me away. How can she even admit to herself that she is actually missing me even if she is? That is going against all she stood for in the past 2 months? Love is complicated, and so is life. I know we both are threading a very very fine line, we have lost each other now we don't even know how to get back even if we want to.
A New Month..
A new month. Does it change anything? I certainly do hope so. I still miss her a lot. This weekend was hard on my, I spent time outside so that I think of her less but that just made me think of her more. We even went back to the place where we last met and fought, somehow it didn't seem all that bad now.
But the weekend. I think I must have prayed to God for hours. I dont think I have does so in my entire life, I prayed that somehow she would think of me or maybe miss me even for a second and would reach out to me. Even God must have become tired of me praying, I feel. I didn't really know she meant so much to me.
Yes I would still do anything she asks of me to have her back in my life. Though she has caused me so much pain, anger and hurt, I am sure she has her reasons and as long as she has them and are justified to her I am no one to judge her. I just love her and still love her a lot. And yes I am willing to look past it all for her to just hold me once again.
I though that love like this did not exist in me, or that I was not capable of loving like this anymore, but now I know I was so very wrong. Everyone can love again and everyone can feel hurt and pain just like the first time each time it is up to us to see it and realise it when its there and to cherish it when it is there, unlike me when I had it the most beautiful thing in the world I let it all slip away, more like I threw it away.
I have no one to turn to and no one to try and explain myself to, she was the only other person who knew all what we shared, and she now turns a blind eye to it all. So I only have God to look to and ask for help and pray that she is happy and that maybe just maybe one day we will be better together. God please help me and help her, God please forgive me, God......
But the weekend. I think I must have prayed to God for hours. I dont think I have does so in my entire life, I prayed that somehow she would think of me or maybe miss me even for a second and would reach out to me. Even God must have become tired of me praying, I feel. I didn't really know she meant so much to me.
Yes I would still do anything she asks of me to have her back in my life. Though she has caused me so much pain, anger and hurt, I am sure she has her reasons and as long as she has them and are justified to her I am no one to judge her. I just love her and still love her a lot. And yes I am willing to look past it all for her to just hold me once again.
I though that love like this did not exist in me, or that I was not capable of loving like this anymore, but now I know I was so very wrong. Everyone can love again and everyone can feel hurt and pain just like the first time each time it is up to us to see it and realise it when its there and to cherish it when it is there, unlike me when I had it the most beautiful thing in the world I let it all slip away, more like I threw it away.
I have no one to turn to and no one to try and explain myself to, she was the only other person who knew all what we shared, and she now turns a blind eye to it all. So I only have God to look to and ask for help and pray that she is happy and that maybe just maybe one day we will be better together. God please help me and help her, God please forgive me, God......
What are my options
What are my options? Really what are my options?
I have already cried as much as I could.
I have fought the feeling as much as I could.
I have denied it for as long as I could.
I have missed her as much as I could.
I have prayed as much as I could.
I have thought about her as much as could.
I have pretended she is just away for as long as I could.
I have angered her as much as I could.
I have mailed her as much as I could.
I have tried to reach out to her as much as I could.
I have tried to call her as much as I could.
I have begged her and God as much as I could.
What are my options really what else can I do?
I can't call her, I dont know where.
I can't mail her, she doesnt reply.
I can't send flowers she might take it wrongly.
I can't call friends she will take it as stalking.
I can't show up at her place that will scare her more.
I can just think about her, but where will it get me.
I can talk to her inside me, but that will make me crazy.
I can think of better times, but that will only make me miss her more.
I can only pray to God that maybe someday she will come back.
I have already cried as much as I could.
I have fought the feeling as much as I could.
I have denied it for as long as I could.
I have missed her as much as I could.
I have prayed as much as I could.
I have thought about her as much as could.
I have pretended she is just away for as long as I could.
I have angered her as much as I could.
I have mailed her as much as I could.
I have tried to reach out to her as much as I could.
I have tried to call her as much as I could.
I have begged her and God as much as I could.
What are my options really what else can I do?
I can't call her, I dont know where.
I can't mail her, she doesnt reply.
I can't send flowers she might take it wrongly.
I can't call friends she will take it as stalking.
I can't show up at her place that will scare her more.
I can just think about her, but where will it get me.
I can talk to her inside me, but that will make me crazy.
I can think of better times, but that will only make me miss her more.
I can only pray to God that maybe someday she will come back.
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