I hate this house

I really do hate my house. I hate living here. This place haunts me. My flight is delayed by 2 hours and in all honesty I didn't want that. I am sitting here and weeping more like weeping again. I would have rather left on time or stayed in office than to come home just to sit and cry. I don't believe this at all. This is not me, I was never this way. I was much better than this. I have loved and lost love before it was painful but it was never this way.

What kills me most is that she chooses to treat me like this. She stays 10 mins away, if I want I can simply go there but what will it give me. She will probably run further than she already is. I dont want to scare her. I just need to see her or talk to her, its been over 3 weeks when we really spent time now. And over a week since I called her, and this is the same person I lived with almost everyday for over 2 years. She can remember all the bitter memories for her to make it easy, but to me it is not this way. To me love was never even bitter, I maybe miss her cause I think of the better times. I always believed that if two people loved eachother they could awlays wor things out. They just need to be open and put their egos aside and simply talk openly. For us for some reason we would end up fighting instead of being calm that was the biggest threat to us I knew all along.

I feel so helpless. I dont want to call her friends for a message more like I shouldn't. I can't go see her. I can't send flowers she will probably send them back, as a thought of manuplation. God what do I do, I feel this shiver inside of me throughtout, that makes me feel very uncomfortable and queezzy. I feel this emptiness without her that I had never known existed. I can only look to God and pray. God please help us both and keep us both happy.

There is no one else in this world who knows what we shared. I dont think there will every be anyone else who will know. Only me and her, Why is she so blind to see that we had our share of bad times, but we did have our share of good times as well. No I could not afford to give her gifts, or take her out much and I found peace and happiness in having an evening with her rather than partying and getting drunk. I understand now that she is young and it is important for her to act young. But we would travel and we go to different places and have a great time there. I dont know if I will ever get a second chance to make it up to her.

If somehow I could just reachout to her and she would just listen and open her heart once. And would not refrain from telling me her real feelings, her real reasons, I would just sit and listen endlessly, and would work on making her life better first, then maybe if she would let me maybe then work on making things better between us. For some wierd reason I get a lot of peace in just knowing she is doing fine, and in helping her with whatever she needs. There was a time when she needed and me she made me feel that way, and when I could work on her needs, those were some of the best days in my life. I dont know where along the way we lost ourselves, but if she is demanding from me now to not call her and to not keep in touch, though it kills me a bit each day I will have to refrain. I can just hope that one day she will come around or somehow this 'IF' would happen. I really have no choice left to reach out to her.

I miss her, and I hope where ever she is and whatever she is doing she is happy and taken care off and treated right. She is a girl who doesn't realize how special she is and what she is worth. I just hope she doesn't end up getting hurt. I miss her.