Why is crying a sign of weakness. God how long is this gonna take? Is been over months and I still miss her nonetheless. God why me? Why this to us? What did I do wrong God I just loved her, I innocently just loved her. Thats all I did, I never cheated, I never lied, I never even really spend time with another girl or did any such thing.
I tried to keep her comfortable and happy and gave her all I could. God why did you do this to us? I can only ask you, and no one else? Even you have stopped to answer to me now, I dont know who to look forward to or who to ask these questions, God only you knew what we had shared she doesn't even seem to know or seems to have forgotten it all. God I know she is not so cruel or heartless please God let some love rise in her please God Just let her know I still care and love her even though all this has happened.
I know I feel very very selfish in this regard when there are hundereds of people dead around the country I ask for my love. I just dont know what to say or do. I am helpless. I didnot make any false promises to her and nor do I wish her bad, I just miss her and want only good for her.I miss her so much, but what can I do God, please help me.
I go back to the sight from the plane when I saw the city of New Dlehi below me, it was huge and I thought to myself, in such a huge world with so many millions of people where would God ever listen to me or my prayers. There are so many many people and everyone of them has a story that will make you cry, so why me and why would he listen to my prayers? But still I pray and ask only you for forgiveness for whatever wrong I have done to deserve days like these. I miss her and I love her a lot but I don't think I have to tell you or anyone that, I just hope she realizes that and comes around some day.
I miss her.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Want you back.
..What do I expect from her?
Ok I have told her and I have told myself what all I am willing to change
and what all are my faults, but am I ok with whatever she is giving me now? Or coming to think of it what does she really have to offer to me now? What is that she can say or do to make things how they were or to make things better? What do I need to get over the hurt and pain?
Yes I realize that it is not gonna be one amazing phone call and nor is it going to be one amazing meeting either.
Maybe like it was time that has brought me here it will be only time which can maybe get us back together if at all. And yes a lot of time. We need to be really calm or I need to be really calm and forgiving of it all. Time I hope will not separate us but bring us together.
Yes in all honesty I might be able to look beyond all the pain that has been caused to start over again, but it is not gonna be easy and maybe it is just wishful thinking. But yes I am willing to start over with her. I miss her, and no I didn't quite know what she meant to me till after she left me. Though now it is gonna be harder than even to be with her I am still willing to do so. My love for her was never conditional to the fact that I will be loved in return by her or I will be cared by her or that she would ever want to be with me, all that is just hope and it still is just that 'Hope', I love her thru it all, all the pain all the anger and all the lies. I still do, I somehow believe she had her reasons for treating me like the way she has done.
All she has to do is call me and if ever just hold me like she used to and I am sure in an instant all the pain she has ever caused will be wiped away. I miss you my baby I really miss you. And I do really want you back still nonetheless.
Ok I have told her and I have told myself what all I am willing to change
and what all are my faults, but am I ok with whatever she is giving me now? Or coming to think of it what does she really have to offer to me now? What is that she can say or do to make things how they were or to make things better? What do I need to get over the hurt and pain?
Yes I realize that it is not gonna be one amazing phone call and nor is it going to be one amazing meeting either.
Maybe like it was time that has brought me here it will be only time which can maybe get us back together if at all. And yes a lot of time. We need to be really calm or I need to be really calm and forgiving of it all. Time I hope will not separate us but bring us together.
Yes in all honesty I might be able to look beyond all the pain that has been caused to start over again, but it is not gonna be easy and maybe it is just wishful thinking. But yes I am willing to start over with her. I miss her, and no I didn't quite know what she meant to me till after she left me. Though now it is gonna be harder than even to be with her I am still willing to do so. My love for her was never conditional to the fact that I will be loved in return by her or I will be cared by her or that she would ever want to be with me, all that is just hope and it still is just that 'Hope', I love her thru it all, all the pain all the anger and all the lies. I still do, I somehow believe she had her reasons for treating me like the way she has done.
All she has to do is call me and if ever just hold me like she used to and I am sure in an instant all the pain she has ever caused will be wiped away. I miss you my baby I really miss you. And I do really want you back still nonetheless.
Just another day without you...
...I don't know if it is getting any easier.I mean yes it is getting easier, I have realized that, my tears or feeling sad is not going to get me any where it has been months now I guess and I still miss her nonetheless but now at least I am crying or sad about it. At least I am trying to keep busy and moving on. But do I really want to move on?
..She let me a little note day before saying she missed me too, but I don't know what to make of it. I miss her like hell but how can I tell her that now. When she has asked me to stay away form her and has told me she doesn't want to keep in touch. I don't even have the strength to reply to her as I am just scared of being more hurt. I dont think she has anything to say that I would like to hear. And I too really don't know what I want to hear, that could make things better. Infact I don't even know what better is.
...I think I need to first know what I want. Before I can even think of wanting her back. Do I really want someone who left me the way she did back in my life? Do I really want her to be behaving the why she is right now towards me and I would be fine? Do I want her to be the way she has already gone back to ? Do I still see her as the same June who walked out of the door, breaking all your dreams? Do I want June really back after all she put me through? Do I ? Do I realize that even if she did want to get back with you things will never be the same? She will never be able to live with you and will always have her Mom to deal with and her issues? Things will never be the same as what they were do I really want her? Or do I really just want my comfort zone?
..She let me a little note day before saying she missed me too, but I don't know what to make of it. I miss her like hell but how can I tell her that now. When she has asked me to stay away form her and has told me she doesn't want to keep in touch. I don't even have the strength to reply to her as I am just scared of being more hurt. I dont think she has anything to say that I would like to hear. And I too really don't know what I want to hear, that could make things better. Infact I don't even know what better is.
...I think I need to first know what I want. Before I can even think of wanting her back. Do I really want someone who left me the way she did back in my life? Do I really want her to be behaving the why she is right now towards me and I would be fine? Do I want her to be the way she has already gone back to ? Do I still see her as the same June who walked out of the door, breaking all your dreams? Do I want June really back after all she put me through? Do I ? Do I realize that even if she did want to get back with you things will never be the same? She will never be able to live with you and will always have her Mom to deal with and her issues? Things will never be the same as what they were do I really want her? Or do I really just want my comfort zone?
Goodbye My Lover..
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow
...(James Blunt)
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow
...(James Blunt)
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I am still lost and confused...
I don't know where to start,
I am still lost and confused as to why we had to part.
There is so much I want to say, but its all that you have already heard.
There is not much to say, cause now you don't believe my word.
There is not much to do as its all been done.
There is much I could try but it will all be undone.
I wish I can reach out to you, but you'll say its too late.
I wish I can reach out to someday cause for me its never to late.
I wish someday there would be a better time and place,
Where you could be my Saving Grace.
You have left me so helpless I don't know what to do,
You have left me with no choice but to not get in touch with you.
You left me with nothing but your memories,
You left me with nothing and those memories I now keep.
I want to call you and hear your voice, and know how you are,
I don't know why you have pushed all that we had so far.
I want to touch you, and see you and look deep inside,
I know there is place where we used to hide.
I thought we would be always together, I thought we never lied.
I thought we both knew how we really felt inside.
I thought we would never part, and I thought this was just the start.
I thought we really cared, and you knew what we shared.
You gave me comfort when I cried,
You wiped my tears when they could not hide.
You gave me strength when I was weak,
You gave me happiness, you made me feel complete.
I hope one day things will be better, and the sun will shine.
I hope maybe someday you would be mine.
I hope you would call and make things right
I hope you would one day make it bright.
I don't know where to end, just as I didn't know where to start
I am still lost and confused as to why we had to part.
I am still lost and confused as to why we had to part.
There is so much I want to say, but its all that you have already heard.
There is not much to say, cause now you don't believe my word.
There is not much to do as its all been done.
There is much I could try but it will all be undone.
I wish I can reach out to you, but you'll say its too late.
I wish I can reach out to someday cause for me its never to late.
I wish someday there would be a better time and place,
Where you could be my Saving Grace.
You have left me so helpless I don't know what to do,
You have left me with no choice but to not get in touch with you.
You left me with nothing but your memories,
You left me with nothing and those memories I now keep.
I want to call you and hear your voice, and know how you are,
I don't know why you have pushed all that we had so far.
I want to touch you, and see you and look deep inside,
I know there is place where we used to hide.
I thought we would be always together, I thought we never lied.
I thought we both knew how we really felt inside.
I thought we would never part, and I thought this was just the start.
I thought we really cared, and you knew what we shared.
You gave me comfort when I cried,
You wiped my tears when they could not hide.
You gave me strength when I was weak,
You gave me happiness, you made me feel complete.
I hope one day things will be better, and the sun will shine.
I hope maybe someday you would be mine.
I hope you would call and make things right
I hope you would one day make it bright.
I don't know where to end, just as I didn't know where to start
I am still lost and confused as to why we had to part.
Wrong side of the bed.
..I guess it is one of those days again where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or had a dream about her. Yes it is hard to accept that the person I loved so dearly is now way out of my life. This morning I woke up and it was the same again, just thinking where she would be how she is and wondering if she even thinks of me now. Its hard to imagine two people so in love that they gave up everything whilst together and now nothing in the world can even get them to talk. June why have you gone so far away, I still miss you, you know and I still miss yo just the same.
Today is just gonna be one of those days when I know I am gonna miss her, they always start like this. It gets colder here each day and her warm smile I really miss. I miss her sleeping when I wake up. I miss her drool all over the bed. I miss her grinding her teeth when she slept, though I tried to stop her from it. I miss her two hours of getting ready and her just trying to straighten her hair. I miss her grumpy-ness when she is hungry, and I miss her shouting at me and telling me how to spend my money. I miss how she would love to be on the computer and we would have to fight to play on it. I miss her putting on new clothes and getting happy about it. I miss her, I miss doing all the dumb things in the house, and her innocent laughter, I miss her so much, I miss my little baby.. I just can't tell her though :-( Its amazing how the little things that would annoy you about a person now become the very things that one really misses.
I can write in all my posts/blogs how much we were not meant for each other, but that's to keep me strong. There is only her and I who knew what we had shared and no one else. No one else will ever understand what she means to me and even through all this hurt and pain she has caused me and is causing me I still love her nonetheless. No it wasn't love at first sight or anything like that, we fell in love with each other in time slowly and once we did or I can at least say it for me there was no looking back.
Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. Wherever you are, if you need me I am always there. Wherever you are, I will still love you. To me it is still not easy to let go, maybe I never will and will always have a place for you I don't know. As of now we are not even allowed to really tell each other how we even feel. If you had only know how much I loved you, and if maybe even I had known what you meant to me earlier in time maybe just maybe we will not be this way today. I not longer expect anything so much so that we will ever even meet properly, but I do sincerely hope for so much more.
Now it is all lost, and like the waves come and wash the sands, I too am waiting for all my dreams to get washed away. I just don't know why we build things that we feel can't last?
Today is just gonna be one of those days when I know I am gonna miss her, they always start like this. It gets colder here each day and her warm smile I really miss. I miss her sleeping when I wake up. I miss her drool all over the bed. I miss her grinding her teeth when she slept, though I tried to stop her from it. I miss her two hours of getting ready and her just trying to straighten her hair. I miss her grumpy-ness when she is hungry, and I miss her shouting at me and telling me how to spend my money. I miss how she would love to be on the computer and we would have to fight to play on it. I miss her putting on new clothes and getting happy about it. I miss her, I miss doing all the dumb things in the house, and her innocent laughter, I miss her so much, I miss my little baby.. I just can't tell her though :-( Its amazing how the little things that would annoy you about a person now become the very things that one really misses.
I can write in all my posts/blogs how much we were not meant for each other, but that's to keep me strong. There is only her and I who knew what we had shared and no one else. No one else will ever understand what she means to me and even through all this hurt and pain she has caused me and is causing me I still love her nonetheless. No it wasn't love at first sight or anything like that, we fell in love with each other in time slowly and once we did or I can at least say it for me there was no looking back.
Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. Wherever you are, if you need me I am always there. Wherever you are, I will still love you. To me it is still not easy to let go, maybe I never will and will always have a place for you I don't know. As of now we are not even allowed to really tell each other how we even feel. If you had only know how much I loved you, and if maybe even I had known what you meant to me earlier in time maybe just maybe we will not be this way today. I not longer expect anything so much so that we will ever even meet properly, but I do sincerely hope for so much more.
Now it is all lost, and like the waves come and wash the sands, I too am waiting for all my dreams to get washed away. I just don't know why we build things that we feel can't last?
The hard truth.
Someone today told me this:
"You had an adult love for a young woman who was not mentally capable of reciprocating that mature pragmatic adult love. "
I thought this is so thru so I though of making this a post here.
Thats all I have to ponder on all night I guess. And today I ahve been much stronger than before not one tear in this city and in this house. I dont know if its just the first day back or am I really healing, whatever it is I will try and think of her as less as possible. As each day goes I gradually realise maybe why she left and maybe why she didn't see anything right between us. She was simply too young I guess, but nonestheless more mature than me.
"You had an adult love for a young woman who was not mentally capable of reciprocating that mature pragmatic adult love. "
I thought this is so thru so I though of making this a post here.
Thats all I have to ponder on all night I guess. And today I ahve been much stronger than before not one tear in this city and in this house. I dont know if its just the first day back or am I really healing, whatever it is I will try and think of her as less as possible. As each day goes I gradually realise maybe why she left and maybe why she didn't see anything right between us. She was simply too young I guess, but nonestheless more mature than me.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Back form vacation
I got back from vacation. I was on NC and when I get back and check my e-mail there is a short & sweet mail from her. She had actually sent it on the day I was leaving. It was a e-mail telling me she missed us (me and the pets.) and she told me how busy she had been with her exams and stuff. She wanted to know about me, where I went what I was up to. And thanked me for my previous mails saying they were sweet..
Now I don't know what to do. Or think about this mail. I know she has really moved on.
And so should I.
I have come back, and yes I did miss her a lot and thought about her all the time. Even so much so that somehow I hoped she would see me somewhere at the airport or wished inside that she would somehow come to get me, though that would never happen in a million years. Some part of me didn't even want to come back to this town as I knew I would start to miss her like hell again. And it started before the flight even landed...
No there is nothing in the mail suggesting that she would like to ever meet or anything.
I don't know what to do, I want to write back to her, but don't know what to say. Or don't know how she would even react. I even want to send her flowers and wish her luck for her exams, but I don't know if that might be a bit too much. Should I give it a few more days? She knew I am out of town and its been 5 days now. So what to do..?
In all honesty whatever she did, I am sure she had her reasons and if she ever wants me back I am willing to look past all the pain she gave me. I just hope it is not too late for either of us by then..
Now I don't know what to do. Or think about this mail. I know she has really moved on.
And so should I.
I have come back, and yes I did miss her a lot and thought about her all the time. Even so much so that somehow I hoped she would see me somewhere at the airport or wished inside that she would somehow come to get me, though that would never happen in a million years. Some part of me didn't even want to come back to this town as I knew I would start to miss her like hell again. And it started before the flight even landed...
No there is nothing in the mail suggesting that she would like to ever meet or anything.
I don't know what to do, I want to write back to her, but don't know what to say. Or don't know how she would even react. I even want to send her flowers and wish her luck for her exams, but I don't know if that might be a bit too much. Should I give it a few more days? She knew I am out of town and its been 5 days now. So what to do..?
In all honesty whatever she did, I am sure she had her reasons and if she ever wants me back I am willing to look past all the pain she gave me. I just hope it is not too late for either of us by then..
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I hate this house
I really do hate my house. I hate living here. This place haunts me. My flight is delayed by 2 hours and in all honesty I didn't want that. I am sitting here and weeping more like weeping again. I would have rather left on time or stayed in office than to come home just to sit and cry. I don't believe this at all. This is not me, I was never this way. I was much better than this. I have loved and lost love before it was painful but it was never this way.
What kills me most is that she chooses to treat me like this. She stays 10 mins away, if I want I can simply go there but what will it give me. She will probably run further than she already is. I dont want to scare her. I just need to see her or talk to her, its been over 3 weeks when we really spent time now. And over a week since I called her, and this is the same person I lived with almost everyday for over 2 years. She can remember all the bitter memories for her to make it easy, but to me it is not this way. To me love was never even bitter, I maybe miss her cause I think of the better times. I always believed that if two people loved eachother they could awlays wor things out. They just need to be open and put their egos aside and simply talk openly. For us for some reason we would end up fighting instead of being calm that was the biggest threat to us I knew all along.
I feel so helpless. I dont want to call her friends for a message more like I shouldn't. I can't go see her. I can't send flowers she will probably send them back, as a thought of manuplation. God what do I do, I feel this shiver inside of me throughtout, that makes me feel very uncomfortable and queezzy. I feel this emptiness without her that I had never known existed. I can only look to God and pray. God please help us both and keep us both happy.
There is no one else in this world who knows what we shared. I dont think there will every be anyone else who will know. Only me and her, Why is she so blind to see that we had our share of bad times, but we did have our share of good times as well. No I could not afford to give her gifts, or take her out much and I found peace and happiness in having an evening with her rather than partying and getting drunk. I understand now that she is young and it is important for her to act young. But we would travel and we go to different places and have a great time there. I dont know if I will ever get a second chance to make it up to her.
If somehow I could just reachout to her and she would just listen and open her heart once. And would not refrain from telling me her real feelings, her real reasons, I would just sit and listen endlessly, and would work on making her life better first, then maybe if she would let me maybe then work on making things better between us. For some wierd reason I get a lot of peace in just knowing she is doing fine, and in helping her with whatever she needs. There was a time when she needed and me she made me feel that way, and when I could work on her needs, those were some of the best days in my life. I dont know where along the way we lost ourselves, but if she is demanding from me now to not call her and to not keep in touch, though it kills me a bit each day I will have to refrain. I can just hope that one day she will come around or somehow this 'IF' would happen. I really have no choice left to reach out to her.
I miss her, and I hope where ever she is and whatever she is doing she is happy and taken care off and treated right. She is a girl who doesn't realize how special she is and what she is worth. I just hope she doesn't end up getting hurt. I miss her.
What kills me most is that she chooses to treat me like this. She stays 10 mins away, if I want I can simply go there but what will it give me. She will probably run further than she already is. I dont want to scare her. I just need to see her or talk to her, its been over 3 weeks when we really spent time now. And over a week since I called her, and this is the same person I lived with almost everyday for over 2 years. She can remember all the bitter memories for her to make it easy, but to me it is not this way. To me love was never even bitter, I maybe miss her cause I think of the better times. I always believed that if two people loved eachother they could awlays wor things out. They just need to be open and put their egos aside and simply talk openly. For us for some reason we would end up fighting instead of being calm that was the biggest threat to us I knew all along.
I feel so helpless. I dont want to call her friends for a message more like I shouldn't. I can't go see her. I can't send flowers she will probably send them back, as a thought of manuplation. God what do I do, I feel this shiver inside of me throughtout, that makes me feel very uncomfortable and queezzy. I feel this emptiness without her that I had never known existed. I can only look to God and pray. God please help us both and keep us both happy.
There is no one else in this world who knows what we shared. I dont think there will every be anyone else who will know. Only me and her, Why is she so blind to see that we had our share of bad times, but we did have our share of good times as well. No I could not afford to give her gifts, or take her out much and I found peace and happiness in having an evening with her rather than partying and getting drunk. I understand now that she is young and it is important for her to act young. But we would travel and we go to different places and have a great time there. I dont know if I will ever get a second chance to make it up to her.
If somehow I could just reachout to her and she would just listen and open her heart once. And would not refrain from telling me her real feelings, her real reasons, I would just sit and listen endlessly, and would work on making her life better first, then maybe if she would let me maybe then work on making things better between us. For some wierd reason I get a lot of peace in just knowing she is doing fine, and in helping her with whatever she needs. There was a time when she needed and me she made me feel that way, and when I could work on her needs, those were some of the best days in my life. I dont know where along the way we lost ourselves, but if she is demanding from me now to not call her and to not keep in touch, though it kills me a bit each day I will have to refrain. I can just hope that one day she will come around or somehow this 'IF' would happen. I really have no choice left to reach out to her.
I miss her, and I hope where ever she is and whatever she is doing she is happy and taken care off and treated right. She is a girl who doesn't realize how special she is and what she is worth. I just hope she doesn't end up getting hurt. I miss her.
A Horrid Night
Humm, last nite I came to terms with the fact that she doesnt want me at all.
There was no phone call from her and her phone is still off. Yes I have to now give up. I have nothing else left, now the tears that I cry also have started to question as to why I am sheding them, as I know, that no matter how much I cry, or Pray or talk to friends or try to get in touch with her, she is gone, she has really gone now. Its been since end of September that I have been this way things started to break apart then, until then we had problems but I thought we could make it thru, now when I look back I see that it is actually over for her maybe even before that. And after that I have just been wasting my time and energy in trying to make things work.
Last nite, I had the worst sleep ever, I dont know what it was, if it was the anxiety of going travelling or the acceptance of losing her. I woke up several times, but I couldn't remember the dreams at all, all I could gather was that I had been weepinig. It happened numerous times I think about 4 times, and it was horrible, I had to force myself to sleep.
Generally I wake up and miss her and miss her while going to bed, but last night was horrid.
Maybe because I was expecting her call and tried to be strong till I could, as she had said that and a big part of me believed that. But I should have remembered how ugly it got towards the and and she doesn't really want to keep in touch.
Yes I broke the NC and wrote a letter to her to say bye, I guess I am not too sure where my life
is going to take me next. I am going out of this city for now, and I know coming back here will be horrid again,so I dont know. I will try to find other options in my life, for work and for moving on in my life. I will really miss her, but I miss a lot of things. But now life will have to go on...
There was no phone call from her and her phone is still off. Yes I have to now give up. I have nothing else left, now the tears that I cry also have started to question as to why I am sheding them, as I know, that no matter how much I cry, or Pray or talk to friends or try to get in touch with her, she is gone, she has really gone now. Its been since end of September that I have been this way things started to break apart then, until then we had problems but I thought we could make it thru, now when I look back I see that it is actually over for her maybe even before that. And after that I have just been wasting my time and energy in trying to make things work.
Last nite, I had the worst sleep ever, I dont know what it was, if it was the anxiety of going travelling or the acceptance of losing her. I woke up several times, but I couldn't remember the dreams at all, all I could gather was that I had been weepinig. It happened numerous times I think about 4 times, and it was horrible, I had to force myself to sleep.
Generally I wake up and miss her and miss her while going to bed, but last night was horrid.
Maybe because I was expecting her call and tried to be strong till I could, as she had said that and a big part of me believed that. But I should have remembered how ugly it got towards the and and she doesn't really want to keep in touch.
Yes I broke the NC and wrote a letter to her to say bye, I guess I am not too sure where my life
is going to take me next. I am going out of this city for now, and I know coming back here will be horrid again,so I dont know. I will try to find other options in my life, for work and for moving on in my life. I will really miss her, but I miss a lot of things. But now life will have to go on...
Phases of dealing with loss.
Today I was reading up on the phases of losing someone for whatever reason.
And I googled up the following and which I can relate to.
1. Numbness:
I guess I went thru this initially when she left I just didnt know how to react and she kept coming back and going. This was really hard on me as I couldnt figure out what was going on.
I knew she wanted to leave but she also wanted to stay, she could not even look me in the eyes and say she wanted to leave. I was just numb I couldn't do anything, I could not work or go back to my hobbies. I just needed to make things right at that point in time.
2.Denial & Isolation:
I went thru this as well, this is when and just before I went on vacation and came back from Bhopal while diwali, I spoke to her often while there and just before leaving as if things were fine and she had just gone on a break or something for sometime.
3.Anger:
For me this and 4. came in together and stayed for sometime.
I was really angry at her for doing this to me just before I felt for home, and the weekend I saw her at Stone water. I at first we had a nice conversation but then I got really mad at her and raised my voice for still lieing to me. I realise now it was over way before for her than then. Only to me in my world we had to tell eachother the truth.
3.Depression:
Yes this is the most painful one this started the day of me leaving town for Bhopal (home)
I was really depressed there. She completely stopped responding to me. I knew it was over and I dint know what to do about it. I am still going thru this. I cant do anything at times. I just sit and stare at an empty inbox in gmail or stare at my phone endlessly. I know there is nothing there to wait for but I still do so in vain...
4.Acceptance:
I am going thru this now. Or I do hope so soon as I have been depressed long enough.
I am coming to trems with her loss, havent spoken to her for almost 10 days now. But still a day doesn't go by when I dont shed a tear for her.
The rest is yet to come so lets see how it goes...
And I googled up the following and which I can relate to.
1. Numbness:
I guess I went thru this initially when she left I just didnt know how to react and she kept coming back and going. This was really hard on me as I couldnt figure out what was going on.
I knew she wanted to leave but she also wanted to stay, she could not even look me in the eyes and say she wanted to leave. I was just numb I couldn't do anything, I could not work or go back to my hobbies. I just needed to make things right at that point in time.
2.Denial & Isolation:
I went thru this as well, this is when and just before I went on vacation and came back from Bhopal while diwali, I spoke to her often while there and just before leaving as if things were fine and she had just gone on a break or something for sometime.
3.Anger:
For me this and 4. came in together and stayed for sometime.
I was really angry at her for doing this to me just before I felt for home, and the weekend I saw her at Stone water. I at first we had a nice conversation but then I got really mad at her and raised my voice for still lieing to me. I realise now it was over way before for her than then. Only to me in my world we had to tell eachother the truth.
3.Depression:
Yes this is the most painful one this started the day of me leaving town for Bhopal (home)
I was really depressed there. She completely stopped responding to me. I knew it was over and I dint know what to do about it. I am still going thru this. I cant do anything at times. I just sit and stare at an empty inbox in gmail or stare at my phone endlessly. I know there is nothing there to wait for but I still do so in vain...
4.Acceptance:
I am going thru this now. Or I do hope so soon as I have been depressed long enough.
I am coming to trems with her loss, havent spoken to her for almost 10 days now. But still a day doesn't go by when I dont shed a tear for her.
The rest is yet to come so lets see how it goes...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
My Story.
Its been about close to a month now for my break up and initially it was really bad for me.
We lived together for over 2 years. She was/is a college student and I am a Techi.
The first time we met eachother we were head over heels in love and moved in together almost
instantly. And since then we shared everything together. She travelled with me and met my family
we had a lot of good times together. Both our parents and entire family lived out of town,
so for the past 2 years and eachother wasall we had.
We built our little home together, and it was very nice. We switched apartments, etc. Her Family was
not aware that she lived with me, they knew we are seeing eachother, as she is from a more consertive family, and maybe her being only 21 could be another reason. I am 27, my family supported us whenever we needed it in every which way and we were happy.
I am not saying that it was smooth sailing through out out 2 years, but yes we had our share of fights and differences and we always made up and things were great. In July/August she got into another school for MBA in the same city and I we were happy that we could continue this. More so I believe I was also some part of the reason she chose to continue studying in this city or could be just she wanted to away from family as well. Her parents are going thru a divorce or unsettlement right now and I dont feel they are the best influence on her either. She is the only child and I have seen the toll it takes on her, while she was with me.
The one day in August she told me her Mom is moving back and she needs to live with her as she doesnt have a choice. She is too young and cant support herself and was underpressure. Initially I could not understand this and told her this would not work out if it is going to be that way. Yes I know I was being unreasonable. Then she found a house close to where I stayed she told me so that it is easier for us to meet, or maybe cause it was a better part of the town I dont know now.
Then before her Mom even moved in she started wanting to spend her time there than at 'Our'. Which ofcourse I failed to understand, and could never comprehend her choices. She would just say it is closer to her college.
EveryNight she spent away killed me slowly by slowly I cried all the nights and whenever I woke up alone.
I could just not stand that. She told me she needed some space and time and had a lot on her mind with
College, her Mom moving back and her Family separating.
Then following one saturday night we went out together to a friends place. I think Oct 18th or so.
And the she again insisted that I drop her to her place instead of going to 'Ours'. By then I knew she has no college the next day and I couldnt quite understand her decission. So I dropped her back to her place and I didnt want to go home to our place where there will be no one and I would just sit and cry alone on her decission, so I went back to the party. And then after an hour or so I got a call from her saying that she was at our place and she didnt want to be with me.
In the next few days her Mom moved in as she said she would. I tried calling her she would speak to me but didnt want to really talk about anything. And kept asking me to move on. Kept telling me to leave her be and didnt want to do anything together anymore.
The next weekend I was going away on Vacation for a week to meet my family.
I told her I needed to see her and talk to her before I felt, as I really missed her, that week as far as I remember I cried all day and couldnt even come to work most days I know I was doing the worst things possible.
I would try calling her till she got fed up and answered. I begged her to see me and threw my self to the ground for her but she didnt respond. Then the night before I was to leave she finally decided to see me and come over for a while.
We spent the entire evening quite nicly, until it was time for her to leave. I broke down, I mean literally,
I howled to her and and begged her for a chance I did all I could it was horrible. She promised to see me the next day if I stopped and if I took a hold of myself, she would drop me off to the station and miss her morning lecture.The next day I bought some flowers and met her in the morning, she was late but thats ok she was there atleast. We went out to lunch it was nice, and we had some decent conversation. We went home kissed a bit and hugged alot and nothing more.
I went home a week went we spoke on the phone at times. But now she started taking my phone calls as stalking her !! And said to me she doesnt want to talk to me and that it is over between us. I could not understand the change of behaviour again. She said to me I scared her away last weekend when I broke down and begged her and she didnt want myself to physically hurt myself or kill myself or something thats why she helped me over the weekend and dropped me off till I got home. Then one day she told me not to call her at all.
I came back on 2nd November. Spoke to her and said she would take time out for me and meet me for dinner.
When the time came she was already out with her mom and asked to meet me the next day.
The next day came I called and asked for 15 mins for coffee and she said she was too busy,
but finally came for a few minutes. We had coffee and it was a bit emotional, we didnt really speak much
more as if I dint have much to say. She had a huge smile when she walked in and was actually happy to see me but I guess this time I wanted some answers to questions I didnt know. She left and after that whenever I have called she said to me she need time and space for herself. And that we had nothing left to talk about. I still kept trying to get in touch with her, I sent flowers, and emailed her each day cause I really did miss her. I kept trying to get thru inside to this girl I shared everything with but now it started to look harder and harder eachday.
She didnt see me that entire week. She told me her exams are coming and she has no time.
We would talk but now I could feel she was just trying to make convesration as she knew else I would simply call back or something. Then on the 8th Nov we were to go for a common friends wedding. I sent her an SMS asking her if she could come as it would mean a lot to the friend, and I will not talk about us or anything and would keep the event really short. She replied she is not too well and would like to study. I was fine with that I didnt go either then. I went out with some friends, then to a club to grab a beer. I was there for about 2 hours after which she shows up there!! I have no clue with whom either. At first we have a decent converstaion but she was with someone else, I mean having a conversation.But after the other guy left I dont know what happened to me. I am not the kind of guy who blows his top of but this time I for once got angry at her for lieing to me she could have just told me she didn't want to see me, or wanted to somewhere else. I got quite mad and walked out the bar.
We ofcourse had a big fight over the phone then, she said she could be out with whoever she wants etc and I have no right to ask her where she is or anything. Infact she doesnt even have to tell me any truth if she doesnt want to. Then finally she called the next evening (Sunday 9th Nov) and said she didnt want to end things on a bad note and explained to me who that guy was etc and that she needed time and had exams and that she would talk to next Tuesday as she had exams till then.
That was the last conversation I had with her. After which she put her phone off till a few days ago.
I emailed her thruought the week, and in vain till on thrusday when she replied:
"read some of ur messages. they're really sweet. i am not angry or hate you. exams are on. am busy. take care"
After which I emailed her saying
"I hope you are fine and your exams are going good.
As far as I go you can imagine how I am, I was quite shattered but now
slowly have gathered the pieces I guess and am learning to live without you.
Though it is still hard and often I am thinking about you, but thats life I just feel that
I have woken up from a bad nightmare or something. And I simply have to carry on.
I am sure with time it will all be over and we would have drifted away like so many people who
loose love, and will again live to find it one day............."
I have not gotten anything back nor have I emailed her after that.
I went to another city this weekend to meet some friends so that I dont think of her and for
counselling. I have not spoken to her now for over a week or so..And I do not have the courage to go thru any more phone calls where she will tell me anything rude or anything that will bring more hurt.
Today is when her exams are to be over and tomorrow I am going travelling again to a National Park with Family all so that I can keep my mind off her for another. I dont know what to do I have half dialed her number a few times but can't gather the courage.
We lived together for over 2 years. She was/is a college student and I am a Techi.
The first time we met eachother we were head over heels in love and moved in together almost
instantly. And since then we shared everything together. She travelled with me and met my family
we had a lot of good times together. Both our parents and entire family lived out of town,
so for the past 2 years and eachother wasall we had.
We built our little home together, and it was very nice. We switched apartments, etc. Her Family was
not aware that she lived with me, they knew we are seeing eachother, as she is from a more consertive family, and maybe her being only 21 could be another reason. I am 27, my family supported us whenever we needed it in every which way and we were happy.
I am not saying that it was smooth sailing through out out 2 years, but yes we had our share of fights and differences and we always made up and things were great. In July/August she got into another school for MBA in the same city and I we were happy that we could continue this. More so I believe I was also some part of the reason she chose to continue studying in this city or could be just she wanted to away from family as well. Her parents are going thru a divorce or unsettlement right now and I dont feel they are the best influence on her either. She is the only child and I have seen the toll it takes on her, while she was with me.
The one day in August she told me her Mom is moving back and she needs to live with her as she doesnt have a choice. She is too young and cant support herself and was underpressure. Initially I could not understand this and told her this would not work out if it is going to be that way. Yes I know I was being unreasonable. Then she found a house close to where I stayed she told me so that it is easier for us to meet, or maybe cause it was a better part of the town I dont know now.
Then before her Mom even moved in she started wanting to spend her time there than at 'Our'. Which ofcourse I failed to understand, and could never comprehend her choices. She would just say it is closer to her college.
EveryNight she spent away killed me slowly by slowly I cried all the nights and whenever I woke up alone.
I could just not stand that. She told me she needed some space and time and had a lot on her mind with
College, her Mom moving back and her Family separating.
Then following one saturday night we went out together to a friends place. I think Oct 18th or so.
And the she again insisted that I drop her to her place instead of going to 'Ours'. By then I knew she has no college the next day and I couldnt quite understand her decission. So I dropped her back to her place and I didnt want to go home to our place where there will be no one and I would just sit and cry alone on her decission, so I went back to the party. And then after an hour or so I got a call from her saying that she was at our place and she didnt want to be with me.
In the next few days her Mom moved in as she said she would. I tried calling her she would speak to me but didnt want to really talk about anything. And kept asking me to move on. Kept telling me to leave her be and didnt want to do anything together anymore.
The next weekend I was going away on Vacation for a week to meet my family.
I told her I needed to see her and talk to her before I felt, as I really missed her, that week as far as I remember I cried all day and couldnt even come to work most days I know I was doing the worst things possible.
I would try calling her till she got fed up and answered. I begged her to see me and threw my self to the ground for her but she didnt respond. Then the night before I was to leave she finally decided to see me and come over for a while.
We spent the entire evening quite nicly, until it was time for her to leave. I broke down, I mean literally,
I howled to her and and begged her for a chance I did all I could it was horrible. She promised to see me the next day if I stopped and if I took a hold of myself, she would drop me off to the station and miss her morning lecture.The next day I bought some flowers and met her in the morning, she was late but thats ok she was there atleast. We went out to lunch it was nice, and we had some decent conversation. We went home kissed a bit and hugged alot and nothing more.
I went home a week went we spoke on the phone at times. But now she started taking my phone calls as stalking her !! And said to me she doesnt want to talk to me and that it is over between us. I could not understand the change of behaviour again. She said to me I scared her away last weekend when I broke down and begged her and she didnt want myself to physically hurt myself or kill myself or something thats why she helped me over the weekend and dropped me off till I got home. Then one day she told me not to call her at all.
I came back on 2nd November. Spoke to her and said she would take time out for me and meet me for dinner.
When the time came she was already out with her mom and asked to meet me the next day.
The next day came I called and asked for 15 mins for coffee and she said she was too busy,
but finally came for a few minutes. We had coffee and it was a bit emotional, we didnt really speak much
more as if I dint have much to say. She had a huge smile when she walked in and was actually happy to see me but I guess this time I wanted some answers to questions I didnt know. She left and after that whenever I have called she said to me she need time and space for herself. And that we had nothing left to talk about. I still kept trying to get in touch with her, I sent flowers, and emailed her each day cause I really did miss her. I kept trying to get thru inside to this girl I shared everything with but now it started to look harder and harder eachday.
She didnt see me that entire week. She told me her exams are coming and she has no time.
We would talk but now I could feel she was just trying to make convesration as she knew else I would simply call back or something. Then on the 8th Nov we were to go for a common friends wedding. I sent her an SMS asking her if she could come as it would mean a lot to the friend, and I will not talk about us or anything and would keep the event really short. She replied she is not too well and would like to study. I was fine with that I didnt go either then. I went out with some friends, then to a club to grab a beer. I was there for about 2 hours after which she shows up there!! I have no clue with whom either. At first we have a decent converstaion but she was with someone else, I mean having a conversation.But after the other guy left I dont know what happened to me. I am not the kind of guy who blows his top of but this time I for once got angry at her for lieing to me she could have just told me she didn't want to see me, or wanted to somewhere else. I got quite mad and walked out the bar.
We ofcourse had a big fight over the phone then, she said she could be out with whoever she wants etc and I have no right to ask her where she is or anything. Infact she doesnt even have to tell me any truth if she doesnt want to. Then finally she called the next evening (Sunday 9th Nov) and said she didnt want to end things on a bad note and explained to me who that guy was etc and that she needed time and had exams and that she would talk to next Tuesday as she had exams till then.
That was the last conversation I had with her. After which she put her phone off till a few days ago.
I emailed her thruought the week, and in vain till on thrusday when she replied:
"read some of ur messages. they're really sweet. i am not angry or hate you. exams are on. am busy. take care"
After which I emailed her saying
"I hope you are fine and your exams are going good.
As far as I go you can imagine how I am, I was quite shattered but now
slowly have gathered the pieces I guess and am learning to live without you.
Though it is still hard and often I am thinking about you, but thats life I just feel that
I have woken up from a bad nightmare or something. And I simply have to carry on.
I am sure with time it will all be over and we would have drifted away like so many people who
loose love, and will again live to find it one day............."
I have not gotten anything back nor have I emailed her after that.
I went to another city this weekend to meet some friends so that I dont think of her and for
counselling. I have not spoken to her now for over a week or so..And I do not have the courage to go thru any more phone calls where she will tell me anything rude or anything that will bring more hurt.
Today is when her exams are to be over and tomorrow I am going travelling again to a National Park with Family all so that I can keep my mind off her for another. I dont know what to do I have half dialed her number a few times but can't gather the courage.
Today I started this blog...
...Today I started this blog on following some advice from Loveshack ie. the following thread.
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170442/
If you want to know more about my story you can read it there.
To give you the jist of it. I was in love with the sweetest girl in the world and I let it all slip away right in front of my eyes. We lived together for 2 years and we had a lot of ups and downs but they were the best days of our lives.
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t170442/
If you want to know more about my story you can read it there.
To give you the jist of it. I was in love with the sweetest girl in the world and I let it all slip away right in front of my eyes. We lived together for 2 years and we had a lot of ups and downs but they were the best days of our lives.
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