Why am I here?

Why am I here? Why in this city? Why in Pune? Today has been a bit hard on me, and I have just been questioning the reason for me to choose to live in this city. maybe it is because my room mate is also leaving for good and most of the people I knew or used to hang out with have already left. Am I here for this job that I am so bored of and doesn't pay for anything? No not really I had had enough of it long ago. And no I do not see myself here in this company for even another year so why am I here?Am I here for my fish? Am I here cause of Tinker? Or my car? Am I here cause I have a lot of friends? Am I here cause I am in love with this city? Am I here cause I have a family here? Am I here cause I have maybe one other who cares about me here? Do I have one other person I can go to in case something happens to me? Am I here cause I am happy?

Am I here for June? Well I was I had a lot to live for before when things were better between us, and I had hoped for so much more. Even after it was over to me in some way maybe it wasn't that's why I chose to stay maybe i could not accept it then that it was over and that's why I could not leave but now I am better, better in the sense at least I have come to terms with the break-up and have accepted that it is done with and realized that no matter what I do now it will never be there again. The person and the life i loved and lived is all lost now and it nothing but a memory that at times haunts me. But I am stronger now.

I need to move on. I can't keep fooling myself each day, I can't keep fooling myself. At the end of the day I am running away form myself, I am just trying to pass each day in hope that tomorrow maybe better, trying to keep myself busy that maybe in time she would make that call and try to make things better but I am only fooling me cause neither that call will ever come nor can things be ever made better. I can't simply pass each day living in hope, only I know how my life has been, even a few months before I started to write this stupid blog. Only I know the number of tears I cried, only I know the days when I would stand in the cold rain just maybe trying to feel alive and shouting cause I never understood the reasons, only I know the nights and the days when I could did not even have the strength to get out of my bed, and the days when simply staying in bed did not help either, only I know the feeling of coming back to the city and wondering why I am here? Only I know how it felt to hear the things I had to hear from her. Only I know the feeling of writing essays each day in emails and to not even get one reply back. Only I know how it felt to turn around and look at an empty door or to feed the cat each morning while leaving for office, or wake up on an empty bed which was shared. Or to pray to God each day for hours. And the worst part of it all is I still have tears writing this.

But now I must stop, stop to live in hope and move on, to a better life, to a better city, to better people. Cause really I don't know if it can get any worse than how it is.

"The Night is Darkest Before Dawn."

Absence doesn't make the hearts go fonder...

Well, today I really feel like writing. And writing a lot, maybe its the weather: all gloomy, and cloudy, maybe it is the fact that she is supposedly coming back to town tomorrow, and had called me last night just to tell me that but she had to add to that that she did not want me to come to pick her up, and she did not even want me to know she is getting back that's why she never told me that earlier. To that I don't really have much to say, I mean what have I really done to deserve this or to deserve what she puts me through, all I do is care about her and really that's all I ever want to do. But whatever I try to do now she simply takes it as me doing things for my own personal motive.

Yes, it might be a lie to say that I do the things I do only for her and that I have no motive of my own. But the only motive I have of my own in always being there for her or in helping her out with whatever I can is cause maybe she will see one day that I am always there for her and maybe one day she will accept that I do really love only her, for all I am worth. Maybe it is Selfish to believe that she can be happy with me, maybe it is selfish to really want her so much, maybe it is selfish to think she cares about me too, I don't know I just feel very lost as really in the last few years of my life I have only wanted her and to take care of her, and to be there for her, maybe it is selfish too, to expect her to help me out in my our of need or for her to be there for me when I just maybe need a hug.

I am just sad today cause I was really trying to pass my time till she got back, in hope that what she said is true and that "Absence does make the hearts go fonder." But now I don't feel that is the case for her. She seems even more away from me than she did when she left. I thought this would give us both time away form each other and maybe give us the space we needed, and maybe we would find out if we want to be with each other or not. But I guess for me these 3 weeks have done nothing but make me miss her even more and just hope for her to get back, only to have to hear that I am not even welcome to come and pick her from the station or to hear from her "Why did I ever call?" when I did. And hearing a sad voice instead of a happy one when I did call. OR to see that she will take over a week to call me back, and that too at mid night when she knows I'd be out.

I just feel this is so unfair, but life is never fair, if I try to explain it to the millions of people who are suffering more than me, who have lost someone who really loved them in return, or to those in war torn countries, they would probably look at me and laugh, cause yes my sorrow is nothing compared to theirs, I guess each one to their own everyone's problems seem to be the biggest to them, and that's why mine though so petite compared to the world, still feels like the most important one to me.

Really its been what now like how many months it has become ridiculous to me as well, that I chasing after something that has not even given me a sign of love or care in return but has only pushed me away constantly. I no longer know what I should be be even feeling or thinking, I cling on to those few sms she sent me which are sweet and are still saved in my phone, or I cling on to a few glimpses of love and care that she shows me maybe by mistake, I guess. I don't know.

If anything I can maybe forget everything that happened between us and forgive her for leaving me But I don't know if I can ever forgive her for coming back again in my life only to tell me how much she did not want me, to come back to my life only to shatter my dreams again, to come back to my life only for me to realize that she lies to me all the time, or to realize that when she was with me also she never told me so many things about her just cause she thought I would point fingers at her instead of being there for her, or to hear from her how much more important Jaiwant is, or how much she hated me instead of everything.

In all reality all I ever wanted form her when we were together was for her to open up and she her to share her deepest fears or pains with me, and for her to treat me like her own instead of still treating me as a stranger. From my side she new everything, I just wanted her to share with me as much as I was willing to share, or had shared. I don't know I know there is no point in crying over split milk, and now that it is all done I don't think I need any more proof or anything more from her to know that from now on I am really on my own, and that no matter what I do she will always take it as I have some selfish motive. For this reason and this reason alone I feel I should not get in touch with her, cause no matter how many times I call to ask her how she is she is always gonna think I am calling her cause to stalk her. Instead of realizing that I am calling her cause I care about her, and I miss her she would take it as I am being selfish and want her to be with me. I am really helpless.

I no longer know...

I no longer know what I feel,
'cause this life now feels surreal.
I no longer know what to do,
'Cause I know now I have already lost you.

I no longer know how to smile,
'cause nothing seems worthwile.
I no longer know how to cry,
'cause all the tears seem to have run dry.

I no longer want to make that call,
'cause already I have said it all.
I no longer know what is right,
'cause no matter what we end up in a fight.

I no longer want to even have hope,
'cause its way more than I can ever cope.
I no longer even want to try,
'cause my feelings get branded as a lie.

I no longer want to lie here and wait,
'cause all she feels for me is hate.
I no longer know want to stay awake,
'cause its much more than I can take.

I no longer know what I want,
'cause all I want is already gone.
I no longer know what say,
'cause you find all this so gay.

I know to you this is all pretty lame,
'cause its just more of the same.
I no longer know what to write,
'cause these are things you don't like.

I no longer know what to live for,
'cause all my dreams were shatter long before.
I no longer know weather to live or die,
'cause I just don't want to wake up and cry.

How could an angel break my heart?

I heard he sang a lullaby, I heard he sang it from his heart.
When I found out thought I would die, Because that lullaby was mine.
I heard he sealed it with a kiss, He gently kissed her cherry lips.
I found that so hard to believe, Because his kiss belonged to me.

How could an angel break my heart, Why didn't he catch my falling star.
I wish I didn't wish so hard, Maybe I wished our love apart.
How could an angel break my heart?

I heard here face was white as rain, Soft as a rose that blooms in may.
He keeps her picture in a frame, And when he sleeps he calls her name.
I wonder if she makes him smile, The way he used to smile at me.
I hope she doesn't make him laugh, Because his laugh belongs to me.

How could an angel break my heart, Why didn't he catch my falling star.
I wish I didn't wish so hard, Maybe I wish our love apart.
How could an angel break my heart?

Oh my soul is dying, its crying, I'm trying to understand.
Please help me.

How could an angel break my heart, Why didn't he catch my falling star.
I wish I didn't wish so hard, Maybe I wished our love apart.
How could an angel break my heart?

This place where a part of you will forever be a part of me..

"There's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

Been a while since I wrote here, it seems to me that this is the only place in the world where I can be free and write to myself.Its been a few months now of a mental roller-coster, I just don't have any more to say cause I don't think I am sure about my feelings any more. I have my own reasons to believe its done and I should stop fooling myself, cause at the end of it all its been nearly a year and I can't still be upset over something that happened so long ago. My only question to her is when she did not want anything from me why did she have to come back in my life only to put me through this pain again? She calls me selfish, but at the end of the day I have done so much only for her and in return she has not even said a small "Thanks You." and has instead only questioned my intentions. Isn't her actions selfish that she knows I am weak for her so she uses me whenever she needs me?

'Selfish'

Selfishness denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others.

Was I selfish when you needed to pay your friend for Goa? Was I selfish when you needed contacts or stpid Sun Block for Goa? Was I selfish when you needed to pay Sneha? Was I selfish when you guys needed to go to the Canteen or ShivaJi Market? Was I selfish when I waited for you to finish your exmas? Was I selfish when I woke up and saw your eyes swollen and ran to get you solution? Was I selfish whenever you were hungry? Was I selfish when I downloaded the games for you, and never once asked you not to play them if and when you came over? Was I selfish when I spoke to your Mom and dad about the Car? Was I selfish when I get you balance, even though you might call me once? Was I selfish when I wanted to drop you to the station, maybe a bit cause I wanted to spend time with you before you left? Was I selfish to take you to the botiques? Was I selfish to find you the cat, and maybe buy food for her without you even telling me to? Was I selfish when I stayed up all night to drop off your Mom? Was I selfish in watching you sleep near me when you did, and maybe kiss you then as you would shout when you woke up? Was I selfish or have any Ego when you hit me in front of everyone and I still hold you and take care of you?

The only thing I can see that I am selfish in is the fact that I want to spend all my time with you, and in that time too all I TRY to do is do things for you, things to maybe make you smile, or help you out with things that you might need help with. And I do that not cause of any other intention but so that maybe you realize that I put you always before me, just to show you that you are more important to me, than I am to myself. Just so that you are maybe happy with me when you around me, and just to show you that I am always there for you.