What do I want?

Today I don't know what to write.

Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking, in fact that's all I have done in the last few months and have come up with nothing. No answers, and just one question. What do I want? Really what do I want. I am Ritesh Sharma, and I will be 28 in a few days, and really what do I want? I can't just want June, that's fruitless, every time I have wanted love I have been burnt, and in fact there is nothing I can do about it, if she doesn't want me.

Honestly, was I truly happy when she was with me, was I content with life. Or I am I just looking at it this way cause now I am not with her? Well, yes I was content to a certain degree, and more than now, but I still wanted more. What is that more? Well I wanted a better place for her, I wanted a better place for us, a better life for us. And no I can not expect anyone else to give it to me, but me. The thing is that I don't know what I want. I mean I have a job, but I am not content with it as it is not something I want to do all my life. I mean I am not happy to get paid this way all my life, so what do I want. Really what do I want.

The sad part is right now my mindset is completely wrong. Yes coming to think of it I was happier with June in my life. I was so much happier. Yes we fought a lot, and we both wanted so much more from each other, and from our lives, but I thought we would work towards it together. Really when it comes to her I no longer have the strength to write, I have written so so much already and it has gotten me nothing but more pain from her and pushed her further. I know there is no way to reach out to her. But this is no longer about her now it is about me. Infact I no longer know if even I will be happy now with her though so much has happened now. But well who am I kidding' all it took for her was to give me a little hug and I was hers instantly. I miss her a lot but what can I do.

I started writing today by asking what I want, really to me my answer is the same as what it was many many years ago, I guess I really want LOVE. Thats' all I want. I want to come back home to someone I love and that someone who loves me. All I want is the assuring touch of companionship when I go to bed each night. I want to make someone else smile and that gives me more happiness. Even now I remember when she was telling me how happy she was in Goa or wherever it gave me happiness to hear that more than it gave me pain to know she was without me. I felt happier when June used my computer or used my TV or lived in my house. I felt happier that I could take her to Goa, more than it gave me happiness to go. It gave me happiness and comfort to see her comfortable at my place. It gave me happiness to provide for her, and to be there for her when she needed me. Yes that was happiness to me. Coming to think of it I was really happy. I rediscovered my love for fish, and my computer. I stopped driving fast and didn't have any accidents compared to before. I see now that I was so much more at ease with myself on the whole. I started enjoying the smaller things in life like even a walk in the park, or simply driving around in the rain. The best time of the month was never the day that I got paid, but the day I could simply spend with her. I stopped clubbing unconsciously cause I was content with her, and in just being with her, I didn't even want to see any new people cause to me she was all I wanted. She always thought I wanted to be with someone else, but if that was the case did I ever even try to be with someone else? Eventually I would have stopped all other bad habits for her, if she only believed in us, or if she even really asked.

She gave me the strength to live here on my own to live with only her. To start a small home all by ourselves, No I wasn't independent, and no I could not support her from the start, but it was a start, I was really trying to be with her as much as I could as well as be at work and try to provide for her as well. Yes I took money form her, but really it was not for me, it was to pay our bills which she took as only mine. Well, I don't want to run around and saying I was young, but in truth I was, I was young to start supporting her. I was not mature enough to realize that I was becoming all she had and I had to be bigger and better in every way for her.

I am not saying I knew all this when I was with her. In fact I was far from realizing it, even I had taken it all for granted as much as she had. If only had I known that she was what I was looking for all my life and all that I really wanted. If I had know that she was what gave me comfort all the time, that she made me happy. I am not saying I would have done a lot of things differently, that would be a lie, at least I would have appreciated her much more than I ever did.

I know I miss her like hell, and the worst thing of all is that I realize that the most important thing to me in life is love and companionship. And I had it all, I in fact had the most amazing person for it all, and now I have lost it all. Like all the good things in my life I have lost this one too. Haven't I always done that, had a great thing going and then let it all slip away?

For some reason I still believe inside me that if we are still alive and if we have a heart someday we might be together, else I guess I will have to go and find what I am looking for elsewhere.