Why am I here?

Why am I here? Why in this city? Why in Pune? Today has been a bit hard on me, and I have just been questioning the reason for me to choose to live in this city. maybe it is because my room mate is also leaving for good and most of the people I knew or used to hang out with have already left. Am I here for this job that I am so bored of and doesn't pay for anything? No not really I had had enough of it long ago. And no I do not see myself here in this company for even another year so why am I here?Am I here for my fish? Am I here cause of Tinker? Or my car? Am I here cause I have a lot of friends? Am I here cause I am in love with this city? Am I here cause I have a family here? Am I here cause I have maybe one other who cares about me here? Do I have one other person I can go to in case something happens to me? Am I here cause I am happy?

Am I here for June? Well I was I had a lot to live for before when things were better between us, and I had hoped for so much more. Even after it was over to me in some way maybe it wasn't that's why I chose to stay maybe i could not accept it then that it was over and that's why I could not leave but now I am better, better in the sense at least I have come to terms with the break-up and have accepted that it is done with and realized that no matter what I do now it will never be there again. The person and the life i loved and lived is all lost now and it nothing but a memory that at times haunts me. But I am stronger now.

I need to move on. I can't keep fooling myself each day, I can't keep fooling myself. At the end of the day I am running away form myself, I am just trying to pass each day in hope that tomorrow maybe better, trying to keep myself busy that maybe in time she would make that call and try to make things better but I am only fooling me cause neither that call will ever come nor can things be ever made better. I can't simply pass each day living in hope, only I know how my life has been, even a few months before I started to write this stupid blog. Only I know the number of tears I cried, only I know the days when I would stand in the cold rain just maybe trying to feel alive and shouting cause I never understood the reasons, only I know the nights and the days when I could did not even have the strength to get out of my bed, and the days when simply staying in bed did not help either, only I know the feeling of coming back to the city and wondering why I am here? Only I know how it felt to hear the things I had to hear from her. Only I know the feeling of writing essays each day in emails and to not even get one reply back. Only I know how it felt to turn around and look at an empty door or to feed the cat each morning while leaving for office, or wake up on an empty bed which was shared. Or to pray to God each day for hours. And the worst part of it all is I still have tears writing this.

But now I must stop, stop to live in hope and move on, to a better life, to a better city, to better people. Cause really I don't know if it can get any worse than how it is.

"The Night is Darkest Before Dawn."