Maybe that's why I now feel lost.

I don't know what to write. I guess most of my entries in this blog start that way. The only thing that has changed since I started to write this blog is that in someway she has managed to reduce the pain and anger I had inside of me for the break up. I mean I am still hurt and feel that every time she maybe turns away from me, but in someway she shows me that she cares for me, maybe I am blind or I am wrong but nowadays she in some way does make a bit of an effort to understand me, or my side. Maybe in time she as accepted that I am actually sorry for everything and that I am not what she made me out to be. I really don't know but yes I must say I am happier than I was a few months ago. Still very lost though, to have lost her to the world but glad to realize that she at least comes to see me if I am unwell, or gets me home cooked food when I am sick, and that she at least cares, for the life we shared.

I know I can tell her how I feel about her all my life and all day and that wont do no good. I realize that all I have to do is be there for her all the time endlessly and just give her the time she needs. She needs time to trust me again, to again feel secure and to feel that I am not there in her life to hurt her but there in her life to be there for her always, to help her out with everything she needs, and to understand her and to not argue, to give her the things she needs and not just love. She needs time to overcome all the notions she has made about me in her head to get over me, I must understand I did cause her pain and anger, and in some way I did not show her or make her feel that special.

Now there are some things which she says she wants off me, and they are not only for her good but for mine too, she wants me to work on the things I have promised her, like being more careful about my money, like working out and working on my health, to get a better job so I can be independent and do the things we always wanted to. Which of course I should accept as they are the things even I always wanted.

The only thing that keeps me still going is hope, and really each day I only look forward to the moment I am with her, and the days that I don't see her I really can't figure out why that day existed. I mean while we were together too, I was not so happy with my work, and I know I never made her feel that way but really each day I really did look forward to coming home to her, and getting a hug or holding her. Everyone knows me, and no one expected me to stay in Pune and work, but no one knows that the inspiraton I had, that kept me going each day to office was her, was the fact that each day that I woke up and looked at her sleeping beside me, it gave me a reason to be here, it gave me a reason to work, it answered all my questions of what I wanted to be and why I was here. I wanted to be with her, hers' and I was here for her, to be there for her cause she needed me too just as much as I needed her. Each morning I would kiss her gently so that she might not wake, or break her dream. I guess thats why mornings are the hardest for me, I still find myself looking at her side of the bed which has been empty for many months now.

Maybe that's why I now feel lost.