Crying a sign of weakness..

Why is crying a sign of weakness. God how long is this gonna take? Is been over months and I still miss her nonetheless. God why me? Why this to us? What did I do wrong God I just loved her, I innocently just loved her. Thats all I did, I never cheated, I never lied, I never even really spend time with another girl or did any such thing.

I tried to keep her comfortable and happy and gave her all I could. God why did you do this to us? I can only ask you, and no one else? Even you have stopped to answer to me now, I dont know who to look forward to or who to ask these questions, God only you knew what we had shared she doesn't even seem to know or seems to have forgotten it all. God I know she is not so cruel or heartless please God let some love rise in her please God Just let her know I still care and love her even though all this has happened.

I know I feel very very selfish in this regard when there are hundereds of people dead around the country I ask for my love. I just dont know what to say or do. I am helpless. I didnot make any false promises to her and nor do I wish her bad, I just miss her and want only good for her.I miss her so much, but what can I do God, please help me.

I go back to the sight from the plane when I saw the city of New Dlehi below me, it was huge and I thought to myself, in such a huge world with so many millions of people where would God ever listen to me or my prayers. There are so many many people and everyone of them has a story that will make you cry, so why me and why would he listen to my prayers? But still I pray and ask only you for forgiveness for whatever wrong I have done to deserve days like these. I miss her and I love her a lot but I don't think I have to tell you or anyone that, I just hope she realizes that and comes around some day.
I miss her.

Want you back.

..What do I expect from her?
Ok I have told her and I have told myself what all I am willing to change
and what all are my faults, but am I ok with whatever she is giving me now? Or coming to think of it what does she really have to offer to me now? What is that she can say or do to make things how they were or to make things better? What do I need to get over the hurt and pain?
Yes I realize that it is not gonna be one amazing phone call and nor is it going to be one amazing meeting either.

Maybe like it was time that has brought me here it will be only time which can maybe get us back together if at all. And yes a lot of time. We need to be really calm or I need to be really calm and forgiving of it all. Time I hope will not separate us but bring us together.

Yes in all honesty I might be able to look beyond all the pain that has been caused to start over again, but it is not gonna be easy and maybe it is just wishful thinking. But yes I am willing to start over with her. I miss her, and no I didn't quite know what she meant to me till after she left me. Though now it is gonna be harder than even to be with her I am still willing to do so. My love for her was never conditional to the fact that I will be loved in return by her or I will be cared by her or that she would ever want to be with me, all that is just hope and it still is just that 'Hope', I love her thru it all, all the pain all the anger and all the lies. I still do, I somehow believe she had her reasons for treating me like the way she has done.
All she has to do is call me and if ever just hold me like she used to and I am sure in an instant all the pain she has ever caused will be wiped away. I miss you my baby I really miss you. And I do really want you back still nonetheless.

Just another day without you...

...I don't know if it is getting any easier.I mean yes it is getting easier, I have realized that, my tears or feeling sad is not going to get me any where it has been months now I guess and I still miss her nonetheless but now at least I am crying or sad about it. At least I am trying to keep busy and moving on. But do I really want to move on?

..She let me a little note day before saying she missed me too, but I don't know what to make of it. I miss her like hell but how can I tell her that now. When she has asked me to stay away form her and has told me she doesn't want to keep in touch. I don't even have the strength to reply to her as I am just scared of being more hurt. I dont think she has anything to say that I would like to hear. And I too really don't know what I want to hear, that could make things better. Infact I don't even know what better is.

...I think I need to first know what I want. Before I can even think of wanting her back. Do I really want someone who left me the way she did back in my life? Do I really want her to be behaving the why she is right now towards me and I would be fine? Do I want her to be the way she has already gone back to ? Do I still see her as the same June who walked out of the door, breaking all your dreams? Do I want June really back after all she put me through? Do I ? Do I realize that even if she did want to get back with you things will never be the same? She will never be able to live with you and will always have her Mom to deal with and her issues? Things will never be the same as what they were do I really want her? Or do I really just want my comfort zone?

Goodbye My Lover..

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow

...(James Blunt)

I am still lost and confused...

I don't know where to start,
I am still lost and confused as to why we had to part.

There is so much I want to say, but its all that you have already heard.
There is not much to say, cause now you don't believe my word.
There is not much to do as its all been done.
There is much I could try but it will all be undone.

I wish I can reach out to you, but you'll say its too late.
I wish I can reach out to someday cause for me its never to late.
I wish someday there would be a better time and place,
Where you could be my Saving Grace.

You have left me so helpless I don't know what to do,
You have left me with no choice but to not get in touch with you.
You left me with nothing but your memories,
You left me with nothing and those memories I now keep.

I want to call you and hear your voice, and know how you are,
I don't know why you have pushed all that we had so far.
I want to touch you, and see you and look deep inside,
I know there is place where we used to hide.

I thought we would be always together, I thought we never lied.
I thought we both knew how we really felt inside.
I thought we would never part, and I thought this was just the start.
I thought we really cared, and you knew what we shared.

You gave me comfort when I cried,
You wiped my tears when they could not hide.
You gave me strength when I was weak,
You gave me happiness, you made me feel complete.

I hope one day things will be better, and the sun will shine.
I hope maybe someday you would be mine.
I hope you would call and make things right
I hope you would one day make it bright.

I don't know where to end, just as I didn't know where to start
I am still lost and confused as to why we had to part.

Wrong side of the bed.

..I guess it is one of those days again where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or had a dream about her. Yes it is hard to accept that the person I loved so dearly is now way out of my life. This morning I woke up and it was the same again, just thinking where she would be how she is and wondering if she even thinks of me now. Its hard to imagine two people so in love that they gave up everything whilst together and now nothing in the world can even get them to talk. June why have you gone so far away, I still miss you, you know and I still miss yo just the same.

Today is just gonna be one of those days when I know I am gonna miss her, they always start like this. It gets colder here each day and her warm smile I really miss. I miss her sleeping when I wake up. I miss her drool all over the bed. I miss her grinding her teeth when she slept, though I tried to stop her from it. I miss her two hours of getting ready and her just trying to straighten her hair. I miss her grumpy-ness when she is hungry, and I miss her shouting at me and telling me how to spend my money. I miss how she would love to be on the computer and we would have to fight to play on it. I miss her putting on new clothes and getting happy about it. I miss her, I miss doing all the dumb things in the house, and her innocent laughter, I miss her so much, I miss my little baby.. I just can't tell her though :-( Its amazing how the little things that would annoy you about a person now become the very things that one really misses.

I can write in all my posts/blogs how much we were not meant for each other, but that's to keep me strong. There is only her and I who knew what we had shared and no one else. No one else will ever understand what she means to me and even through all this hurt and pain she has caused me and is causing me I still love her nonetheless. No it wasn't love at first sight or anything like that, we fell in love with each other in time slowly and once we did or I can at least say it for me there was no looking back.

Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. Wherever you are, if you need me I am always there. Wherever you are, I will still love you. To me it is still not easy to let go, maybe I never will and will always have a place for you I don't know. As of now we are not even allowed to really tell each other how we even feel. If you had only know how much I loved you, and if maybe even I had known what you meant to me earlier in time maybe just maybe we will not be this way today. I not longer expect anything so much so that we will ever even meet properly, but I do sincerely hope for so much more.

Now it is all lost, and like the waves come and wash the sands, I too am waiting for all my dreams to get washed away. I just don't know why we build things that we feel can't last?

The hard truth.

Someone today told me this:
"You had an adult love for a young woman who was not mentally capable of reciprocating that mature pragmatic adult love. "
I thought this is so thru so I though of making this a post here.
Thats all I have to ponder on all night I guess. And today I ahve been much stronger than before not one tear in this city and in this house. I dont know if its just the first day back or am I really healing, whatever it is I will try and think of her as less as possible. As each day goes I gradually realise maybe why she left and maybe why she didn't see anything right between us. She was simply too young I guess, but nonestheless more mature than me.