A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah
The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me
Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me, yeah oh yeah oh
-3 Doors Down
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
"Bacho Ki Kya Galti Hai ?"
"Bacho Ki Kya Galti Hai ?" or "Booga Booga Tumne mujhe Kartoon Bana Diya"
These two lines bring me teas even now, these are 2 memories that I know I will never forget in my life.
The first brings me tears, cause I know this was her deepest and darkest pain she had inside her. When she said this to me, it did change a lot of the way I looked at her. What I am trying to say is that I did care for her etc, even way before that but that was the first time in my life I became sure that I wanted to spend my life taking care of her. More than anything I wanted to give her all the love that I could, not for me really but cause she deserved it. That night when she told me about her life and her story, and told me that I understood her and asked me to never leave her, every word I had said to her was meant by me, I told her I never would leave her, and thats what hurts me now so much. I really have not left her, but now she has left me. I am still there, I am still the same, I still have all that love, and though my trust and faith has taken a big beating, I don't know in some weird way, I don't blame her for leaving me, I don't say it is her fault either I blame us both.
And if she could hear me out, I would just like to tell her
that I know she has no faith in Love, but all Love doesn't grow the same way as what she has seen. I would like to tell her that I still haven't and I never will leave her. That there is nothing to explain or to be said. I would like to tell her that I will take care of her more than I have taken care of me, and that I will do all I can to try and keep her happy.
And the second. :-)
Well it brings me tears cause I miss her just saying that to me and giving me a small kiss. It brings me tears cause always I was the one who was grumpy and long faced and she was always so happy and cheerful. It brings me tears cause I don't know if I will hear it the way I used to or not. It brings me tears to realize how much joy it gave her to be with me, and to be at my place, I could tell when she would say that, that she was really happy. And it would give me so much of bliss to know that the same girl who says to me "Bacho Ki Kya Galti Hai", is Happy for sometime atleast. It would make my day, even though I had a bad day at work, or was fighting with family, when she would say this it took away all my pain and sorrow. I just wish, just wish that one day I wake up and this has been just a bad nightmare and she wakes me up and says this to me. But hell am I crazy the year has even changed when will I wake up? Maybe she could just whisper that to me someday, and take away all this that I have gone thru.
These two lines bring me teas even now, these are 2 memories that I know I will never forget in my life.
The first brings me tears, cause I know this was her deepest and darkest pain she had inside her. When she said this to me, it did change a lot of the way I looked at her. What I am trying to say is that I did care for her etc, even way before that but that was the first time in my life I became sure that I wanted to spend my life taking care of her. More than anything I wanted to give her all the love that I could, not for me really but cause she deserved it. That night when she told me about her life and her story, and told me that I understood her and asked me to never leave her, every word I had said to her was meant by me, I told her I never would leave her, and thats what hurts me now so much. I really have not left her, but now she has left me. I am still there, I am still the same, I still have all that love, and though my trust and faith has taken a big beating, I don't know in some weird way, I don't blame her for leaving me, I don't say it is her fault either I blame us both.
And if she could hear me out, I would just like to tell her
that I know she has no faith in Love, but all Love doesn't grow the same way as what she has seen. I would like to tell her that I still haven't and I never will leave her. That there is nothing to explain or to be said. I would like to tell her that I will take care of her more than I have taken care of me, and that I will do all I can to try and keep her happy.
And the second. :-)
Well it brings me tears cause I miss her just saying that to me and giving me a small kiss. It brings me tears cause always I was the one who was grumpy and long faced and she was always so happy and cheerful. It brings me tears cause I don't know if I will hear it the way I used to or not. It brings me tears to realize how much joy it gave her to be with me, and to be at my place, I could tell when she would say that, that she was really happy. And it would give me so much of bliss to know that the same girl who says to me "Bacho Ki Kya Galti Hai", is Happy for sometime atleast. It would make my day, even though I had a bad day at work, or was fighting with family, when she would say this it took away all my pain and sorrow. I just wish, just wish that one day I wake up and this has been just a bad nightmare and she wakes me up and says this to me. But hell am I crazy the year has even changed when will I wake up? Maybe she could just whisper that to me someday, and take away all this that I have gone thru.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
What do I want?
Today I don't know what to write.
Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking, in fact that's all I have done in the last few months and have come up with nothing. No answers, and just one question. What do I want? Really what do I want. I am Ritesh Sharma, and I will be 28 in a few days, and really what do I want? I can't just want June, that's fruitless, every time I have wanted love I have been burnt, and in fact there is nothing I can do about it, if she doesn't want me.
Honestly, was I truly happy when she was with me, was I content with life. Or I am I just looking at it this way cause now I am not with her? Well, yes I was content to a certain degree, and more than now, but I still wanted more. What is that more? Well I wanted a better place for her, I wanted a better place for us, a better life for us. And no I can not expect anyone else to give it to me, but me. The thing is that I don't know what I want. I mean I have a job, but I am not content with it as it is not something I want to do all my life. I mean I am not happy to get paid this way all my life, so what do I want. Really what do I want.
The sad part is right now my mindset is completely wrong. Yes coming to think of it I was happier with June in my life. I was so much happier. Yes we fought a lot, and we both wanted so much more from each other, and from our lives, but I thought we would work towards it together. Really when it comes to her I no longer have the strength to write, I have written so so much already and it has gotten me nothing but more pain from her and pushed her further. I know there is no way to reach out to her. But this is no longer about her now it is about me. Infact I no longer know if even I will be happy now with her though so much has happened now. But well who am I kidding' all it took for her was to give me a little hug and I was hers instantly. I miss her a lot but what can I do.
I started writing today by asking what I want, really to me my answer is the same as what it was many many years ago, I guess I really want LOVE. Thats' all I want. I want to come back home to someone I love and that someone who loves me. All I want is the assuring touch of companionship when I go to bed each night. I want to make someone else smile and that gives me more happiness. Even now I remember when she was telling me how happy she was in Goa or wherever it gave me happiness to hear that more than it gave me pain to know she was without me. I felt happier when June used my computer or used my TV or lived in my house. I felt happier that I could take her to Goa, more than it gave me happiness to go. It gave me happiness and comfort to see her comfortable at my place. It gave me happiness to provide for her, and to be there for her when she needed me. Yes that was happiness to me. Coming to think of it I was really happy. I rediscovered my love for fish, and my computer. I stopped driving fast and didn't have any accidents compared to before. I see now that I was so much more at ease with myself on the whole. I started enjoying the smaller things in life like even a walk in the park, or simply driving around in the rain. The best time of the month was never the day that I got paid, but the day I could simply spend with her. I stopped clubbing unconsciously cause I was content with her, and in just being with her, I didn't even want to see any new people cause to me she was all I wanted. She always thought I wanted to be with someone else, but if that was the case did I ever even try to be with someone else? Eventually I would have stopped all other bad habits for her, if she only believed in us, or if she even really asked.
She gave me the strength to live here on my own to live with only her. To start a small home all by ourselves, No I wasn't independent, and no I could not support her from the start, but it was a start, I was really trying to be with her as much as I could as well as be at work and try to provide for her as well. Yes I took money form her, but really it was not for me, it was to pay our bills which she took as only mine. Well, I don't want to run around and saying I was young, but in truth I was, I was young to start supporting her. I was not mature enough to realize that I was becoming all she had and I had to be bigger and better in every way for her.
I am not saying I knew all this when I was with her. In fact I was far from realizing it, even I had taken it all for granted as much as she had. If only had I known that she was what I was looking for all my life and all that I really wanted. If I had know that she was what gave me comfort all the time, that she made me happy. I am not saying I would have done a lot of things differently, that would be a lie, at least I would have appreciated her much more than I ever did.
I know I miss her like hell, and the worst thing of all is that I realize that the most important thing to me in life is love and companionship. And I had it all, I in fact had the most amazing person for it all, and now I have lost it all. Like all the good things in my life I have lost this one too. Haven't I always done that, had a great thing going and then let it all slip away?
For some reason I still believe inside me that if we are still alive and if we have a heart someday we might be together, else I guess I will have to go and find what I am looking for elsewhere.
Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking, in fact that's all I have done in the last few months and have come up with nothing. No answers, and just one question. What do I want? Really what do I want. I am Ritesh Sharma, and I will be 28 in a few days, and really what do I want? I can't just want June, that's fruitless, every time I have wanted love I have been burnt, and in fact there is nothing I can do about it, if she doesn't want me.
Honestly, was I truly happy when she was with me, was I content with life. Or I am I just looking at it this way cause now I am not with her? Well, yes I was content to a certain degree, and more than now, but I still wanted more. What is that more? Well I wanted a better place for her, I wanted a better place for us, a better life for us. And no I can not expect anyone else to give it to me, but me. The thing is that I don't know what I want. I mean I have a job, but I am not content with it as it is not something I want to do all my life. I mean I am not happy to get paid this way all my life, so what do I want. Really what do I want.
The sad part is right now my mindset is completely wrong. Yes coming to think of it I was happier with June in my life. I was so much happier. Yes we fought a lot, and we both wanted so much more from each other, and from our lives, but I thought we would work towards it together. Really when it comes to her I no longer have the strength to write, I have written so so much already and it has gotten me nothing but more pain from her and pushed her further. I know there is no way to reach out to her. But this is no longer about her now it is about me. Infact I no longer know if even I will be happy now with her though so much has happened now. But well who am I kidding' all it took for her was to give me a little hug and I was hers instantly. I miss her a lot but what can I do.
I started writing today by asking what I want, really to me my answer is the same as what it was many many years ago, I guess I really want LOVE. Thats' all I want. I want to come back home to someone I love and that someone who loves me. All I want is the assuring touch of companionship when I go to bed each night. I want to make someone else smile and that gives me more happiness. Even now I remember when she was telling me how happy she was in Goa or wherever it gave me happiness to hear that more than it gave me pain to know she was without me. I felt happier when June used my computer or used my TV or lived in my house. I felt happier that I could take her to Goa, more than it gave me happiness to go. It gave me happiness and comfort to see her comfortable at my place. It gave me happiness to provide for her, and to be there for her when she needed me. Yes that was happiness to me. Coming to think of it I was really happy. I rediscovered my love for fish, and my computer. I stopped driving fast and didn't have any accidents compared to before. I see now that I was so much more at ease with myself on the whole. I started enjoying the smaller things in life like even a walk in the park, or simply driving around in the rain. The best time of the month was never the day that I got paid, but the day I could simply spend with her. I stopped clubbing unconsciously cause I was content with her, and in just being with her, I didn't even want to see any new people cause to me she was all I wanted. She always thought I wanted to be with someone else, but if that was the case did I ever even try to be with someone else? Eventually I would have stopped all other bad habits for her, if she only believed in us, or if she even really asked.
She gave me the strength to live here on my own to live with only her. To start a small home all by ourselves, No I wasn't independent, and no I could not support her from the start, but it was a start, I was really trying to be with her as much as I could as well as be at work and try to provide for her as well. Yes I took money form her, but really it was not for me, it was to pay our bills which she took as only mine. Well, I don't want to run around and saying I was young, but in truth I was, I was young to start supporting her. I was not mature enough to realize that I was becoming all she had and I had to be bigger and better in every way for her.
I am not saying I knew all this when I was with her. In fact I was far from realizing it, even I had taken it all for granted as much as she had. If only had I known that she was what I was looking for all my life and all that I really wanted. If I had know that she was what gave me comfort all the time, that she made me happy. I am not saying I would have done a lot of things differently, that would be a lie, at least I would have appreciated her much more than I ever did.
I know I miss her like hell, and the worst thing of all is that I realize that the most important thing to me in life is love and companionship. And I had it all, I in fact had the most amazing person for it all, and now I have lost it all. Like all the good things in my life I have lost this one too. Haven't I always done that, had a great thing going and then let it all slip away?
For some reason I still believe inside me that if we are still alive and if we have a heart someday we might be together, else I guess I will have to go and find what I am looking for elsewhere.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Miss you like crazy
Even though its been so long, my love for you keeps going strong
I remember the things that we used to do, a kiss in the rain
Til the sun shined through,
Id try to deny it, but I'm still in love with you
I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy,
Ever since you went away Every hour of every day,
I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy
No matter what I say or do, there's just no getting over you
I can see the love shining in your eyes, and it comes as such a sweet surprise
If seeings believing its worth the wait, so hold me and tell me its not too late
Were so good together, were starting forever now, and I miss you like crazy
I miss you like crazy, ever since you went away, every hour of every day
I miss you like crazy, I miss you baby, a love like ours will never end
Just one night and well have that magic feeling like we used to do
Hold on tight and whatever comes our way were gonna make it through
If seeings believing its worth the wait, so hold me and tell me its not too late
Were so good together, were starting forever now
And I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy
No matter what I say or do there's just no getting over you
And I miss you, I miss you, all the tender love you gave me
When a feeling gets this strong, you know the real thing come along
And I miss you, I miss you like crazy baby, only you're sweet love can save me.
I miss you like crazy, a love like ours will never end
Just touch me and were there again,
Miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy
-Natalie Cole.
I remember the things that we used to do, a kiss in the rain
Til the sun shined through,
Id try to deny it, but I'm still in love with you
I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy,
Ever since you went away Every hour of every day,
I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy
No matter what I say or do, there's just no getting over you
I can see the love shining in your eyes, and it comes as such a sweet surprise
If seeings believing its worth the wait, so hold me and tell me its not too late
Were so good together, were starting forever now, and I miss you like crazy
I miss you like crazy, ever since you went away, every hour of every day
I miss you like crazy, I miss you baby, a love like ours will never end
Just one night and well have that magic feeling like we used to do
Hold on tight and whatever comes our way were gonna make it through
If seeings believing its worth the wait, so hold me and tell me its not too late
Were so good together, were starting forever now
And I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy
No matter what I say or do there's just no getting over you
And I miss you, I miss you, all the tender love you gave me
When a feeling gets this strong, you know the real thing come along
And I miss you, I miss you like crazy baby, only you're sweet love can save me.
I miss you like crazy, a love like ours will never end
Just touch me and were there again,
Miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy
-Natalie Cole.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Numb
Numb: a loss of sensation
Today and since last night numb is all I feel.
To realize that love of 2 years can be replaced by 2 days. To realize I was lied to all this while, and still believed in her for some reason. To realize that someone else has taken my place. To realize that the letters I write are not even read. To realize she changed her number for me. To realize that it was over way long ago. To realize that now there is not even hope.
I don't know if it is anger, hatred, love, pain, disappointment or what I am feeling. I simply feel numb. At the end of the day, all I want to see is her smiling, all I want to see is for her to be happy, and to not be hurt. God, if she is happier with whoever she is with, please let them find each other, and let them love each other, and have a beautiful future. If I can't be that man to give her happiness, so be it, all I really want to see is her happy, cause really that's what gave me happiness. It makes me smile when she does. And it made me cry when she did. God please don't let him or anyone hurt her ever, and please don't ever give her any of the pain that I have gone through. I know I wanted my lifetime to be spent with her, but if that doesn't give her happiness then there is no happiness in it for me. God take care of her, she is special.
Today and since last night numb is all I feel.
To realize that love of 2 years can be replaced by 2 days. To realize I was lied to all this while, and still believed in her for some reason. To realize that someone else has taken my place. To realize that the letters I write are not even read. To realize she changed her number for me. To realize that it was over way long ago. To realize that now there is not even hope.
I don't know if it is anger, hatred, love, pain, disappointment or what I am feeling. I simply feel numb. At the end of the day, all I want to see is her smiling, all I want to see is for her to be happy, and to not be hurt. God, if she is happier with whoever she is with, please let them find each other, and let them love each other, and have a beautiful future. If I can't be that man to give her happiness, so be it, all I really want to see is her happy, cause really that's what gave me happiness. It makes me smile when she does. And it made me cry when she did. God please don't let him or anyone hurt her ever, and please don't ever give her any of the pain that I have gone through. I know I wanted my lifetime to be spent with her, but if that doesn't give her happiness then there is no happiness in it for me. God take care of her, she is special.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
What do I do?
What do I do? God What do I do? More like what can I do?
What have I not done till now? I have sent flowers, I have sent cards,
I have apologized for each day I hurt her. My letters have turned to essays and they might soon turn into a book or something. I have tried speaking to her when she logs on, but she simply gets mad. I can't call her she won't give me her number, I mean this should be clear enough to me, this girl doesn't want to give me her number and has changed her phone so that "I" can't get in touch with her. Who am I? She calls me a stalker, a Psycho? What the hell am I? Don't I have any self respect? This is a girl who cried in my arms, who gave up everything for me, who made me swear to never leave her, to who I meant a lot and now she doesn't want me to get in touch with her so she has changed her number.
June, all I want to know is what I did wrong? Did I never treat you right? Did I get too angry when I did? It brought me tears every time I saw you cry and you knew that, so how could I ever get angry at you? You thought I never wanted you forever, take a look at the world we had built was it all for passing time? We both were in this city for each other, so that we never have to part and now you don't even want to see me? What did I do wrong June? Did I ever come too close to someone else? Did I ever make you feel unwanted? Did I ever intentionally hurt you or brought you tears? Did I not work for us both, you will say only for me, but I did for us both June. Did I not try and come home to you each day, you will say I came home for my computer, but I came home to you June to you. We could not even sleep without touching each other and now you leave me all cold in that same bed?
Tell me all of it was lies, that I meant nothing to you, and that all what we shared was just to pass time for you. Tell me you never wanted to marry me or never wanted to spend this lifetime with me. Tell me you only got the cat home though you knew it was only for a few weeks? Tell me when we made love you never held me close and never made me feel as though it was forever? Tell me that you never wanted me to wipe your tears? Tell me that I was the only cause of all your troubles. Tell me I only got you more pain than happiness. Tell me I made you feel more lonely than I made you feel cared about. Tell me that I was completely wrong in loving you, and that I was a fool.
What have I not done till now? I have sent flowers, I have sent cards,
I have apologized for each day I hurt her. My letters have turned to essays and they might soon turn into a book or something. I have tried speaking to her when she logs on, but she simply gets mad. I can't call her she won't give me her number, I mean this should be clear enough to me, this girl doesn't want to give me her number and has changed her phone so that "I" can't get in touch with her. Who am I? She calls me a stalker, a Psycho? What the hell am I? Don't I have any self respect? This is a girl who cried in my arms, who gave up everything for me, who made me swear to never leave her, to who I meant a lot and now she doesn't want me to get in touch with her so she has changed her number.
June, all I want to know is what I did wrong? Did I never treat you right? Did I get too angry when I did? It brought me tears every time I saw you cry and you knew that, so how could I ever get angry at you? You thought I never wanted you forever, take a look at the world we had built was it all for passing time? We both were in this city for each other, so that we never have to part and now you don't even want to see me? What did I do wrong June? Did I ever come too close to someone else? Did I ever make you feel unwanted? Did I ever intentionally hurt you or brought you tears? Did I not work for us both, you will say only for me, but I did for us both June. Did I not try and come home to you each day, you will say I came home for my computer, but I came home to you June to you. We could not even sleep without touching each other and now you leave me all cold in that same bed?
Tell me all of it was lies, that I meant nothing to you, and that all what we shared was just to pass time for you. Tell me you never wanted to marry me or never wanted to spend this lifetime with me. Tell me you only got the cat home though you knew it was only for a few weeks? Tell me when we made love you never held me close and never made me feel as though it was forever? Tell me that you never wanted me to wipe your tears? Tell me that I was the only cause of all your troubles. Tell me I only got you more pain than happiness. Tell me I made you feel more lonely than I made you feel cared about. Tell me that I was completely wrong in loving you, and that I was a fool.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I should be sick, whats wrong with me
I should be sick of myself for being such a sore loser.
I should be sick of myself for loving someone who calls me a stalker, and a psycho.
I should be sick of myself for loving somoene who tells me she likes someone else.
I should be sick of myself for chasing after her, when she doesn't want after this long.
I should be sick of myself for begging someone for her love.
I should be sick of being rejected by now.
I should be sick of being told off.
I should be sick of all the lies I have been told.
I should be sick of the fact that this girl doesn't even want to give me her number.
I should be sick of the fact that she is out travelling and living with other men.
I should be sick of myself for trusting her when she herself tells me she is lieing.
I should be sick of listening to **** for the world about her.
I should be sick of trusting her blindly.
I should be sick of crying for so long.
I should be sick of writing mails that mean nothing to her.
I should be sick of thinking of her.
I should be sick of praying for her and us.
I should be sick of thinking there can be an us.
I should be sick of having her on my mind.
I should be sick of not being able to move on till now.
I should be sick of this pain.
I should be sick of being depressed.
I should be sick of her.
I should be sick of myself.
I should be sick of myself for loving someone who calls me a stalker, and a psycho.
I should be sick of myself for loving somoene who tells me she likes someone else.
I should be sick of myself for chasing after her, when she doesn't want after this long.
I should be sick of myself for begging someone for her love.
I should be sick of being rejected by now.
I should be sick of being told off.
I should be sick of all the lies I have been told.
I should be sick of the fact that this girl doesn't even want to give me her number.
I should be sick of the fact that she is out travelling and living with other men.
I should be sick of myself for trusting her when she herself tells me she is lieing.
I should be sick of listening to **** for the world about her.
I should be sick of trusting her blindly.
I should be sick of crying for so long.
I should be sick of writing mails that mean nothing to her.
I should be sick of thinking of her.
I should be sick of praying for her and us.
I should be sick of thinking there can be an us.
I should be sick of having her on my mind.
I should be sick of not being able to move on till now.
I should be sick of this pain.
I should be sick of being depressed.
I should be sick of her.
I should be sick of myself.
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