Humm, its been a weird morning. I have sent the letter and I don't know what her reaction is gonna be.
I feel like the kid in school I was and wrote a letter to my first crush, and wondered how she would take it. And wondered if everything I have written made sense, and more importantly made sense to her. I really don't know what to write I have butterflies in my stomach and I know I will not get a reply for a while if at all. But I am still so eager in hope that it is ridiculous. She has her exams, and I must realize that I am not the only thing on her mind like she is on mine. Which I agree is not a good think for me either, but I really miss her and now after sending her the mail I am even more anxious about what she will write back if at all.
June I really miss you, and I really want to be with you. Just maybe see you and talk to you, or spend an afternoon with you again in the park. Or do anything that you would like, but just spend some time with you. I don't even know how long its been since I really spent time with her. The last tme hugged me was near the taxi before I left for home and yes I miss those times. I miss you. I miss you a lot. And I wonder all the time where you are and what you would be doing or if you ever even think of me, or by now I am forgotten?
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
My Reply?
June, I had been really hurt and I am trying to get back to being normal. I still have a lot of feelings towards you and I don't think we can ever be able to be just friends. You mean a lot to me and I have shared a lot with you, its hard to be friends now. I have realized my mistakes and our shortcomings, I am willing to work on it, and I am willing to work on everything that was wrong between us. I know things will be very very different than how they were, but it does not have to mean it is for the worse. I can be friends, I mean I can spend time with you, and talk to you, and do things that friends do, but at the end of it all, I will still be in love with you, and would only be friends just to see if it leads us anywhere. I love you but when it comes to you I can't be second best to you. I am sorry.
June, like you said you are young, and you need to be young, and I understand that. At your age I was quite crazy too and I too made a lot of mistakes. And I guess you need to learn that on your own maybe without me, and you need to grow maybe on your own. And you'll do just fine, you are very a strong and positive person, you even took care of me for two years, I am sure you'll do just great. I understand that you had been going through a hard time in your life with your new college, Mom moving here and way I was, I hope things are better for you now. I know you have your exams and you don't need me right now in your life. Just concentrate on your studies because that's your future. I am sure they will be good and I have great confidence in you.
June, I am always there for you and I really care. If you ever need me you know how to get in touch. And this doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. I still love you as much as I ever did. And I still mean every word I have written in each of my emails to you. I still miss your smile, your lips, your eyes without lenses, and you drooling all over the pillow and your laughter, or how nice you looked in the new white top and how peaceful you were when you slept like a baby, or just looking at you playing in the sand in Goa or how you cared for the dogs who had no one. Or even tripping hard with you, or the Diwali we spent together, I'll never forget them, they are very beautiful memories to me and I will always cherish them. They were some of the best times in my life and I won't let go of those. As far as I go I still want to share my life with you, nothing has changed for me, maybe I have just realized myself what you meant to me.
June, this is one of the hardest emails I have ever written to you, but really being friends is just going to bring me more hurt, when I have just picked up the pieces, and it will push moving on for us both further away. If you don't want to love me then I think it's best not to attempt to be just friends yet, cause there is no place more lonely than being next to the person you love the most and not being loved in return. And I still love you a lot.
June, if ever something changes inside you and you feel we can be more than friends, or if ever you think we can maybe talk about us, or want to start over on a different note, or to maybe see if we want to even be with each other let me know. Cause there is nothing I want more than being together again. I feel there is so much unsaid between us even now, and if we would just calmly communicate to each other we could be so much better. If we are a just a bit more understanding and expressive about how we really feel inside, we could be happier than we ever were.
June, we have our differences but if we love each other enough we can make it work, even through it all, and through all that has happened. You can always email me and let me know how you are doing and how things are at your end, again you have my number and a phone isn't far if you ever need to talk. I still love you but its no longer about me or what I want, its about you June, its about if you know what you want. Or if you even want me, I want you like crazy but there is nothing I can do about it, I can't change your heart, I can only change mine.
Again, If you want to meet me or spend time with me to maybe see how we even feel around each other, I'd be more than glad to do that. Cause honestly, I don't even know how I'd will feel when I see you, I mean I love you endlessly, but now its been a very long time since I spent some time with you, or even saw you. Maybe you have changed maybe I have, I don't know.
Now take care of yourself, and nothing matters to you more than yourself, well you matter a lot to me but that's besides the point right now. Really Take Care of yourself you are worth it.
June, like you said you are young, and you need to be young, and I understand that. At your age I was quite crazy too and I too made a lot of mistakes. And I guess you need to learn that on your own maybe without me, and you need to grow maybe on your own. And you'll do just fine, you are very a strong and positive person, you even took care of me for two years, I am sure you'll do just great. I understand that you had been going through a hard time in your life with your new college, Mom moving here and way I was, I hope things are better for you now. I know you have your exams and you don't need me right now in your life. Just concentrate on your studies because that's your future. I am sure they will be good and I have great confidence in you.
June, I am always there for you and I really care. If you ever need me you know how to get in touch. And this doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. I still love you as much as I ever did. And I still mean every word I have written in each of my emails to you. I still miss your smile, your lips, your eyes without lenses, and you drooling all over the pillow and your laughter, or how nice you looked in the new white top and how peaceful you were when you slept like a baby, or just looking at you playing in the sand in Goa or how you cared for the dogs who had no one. Or even tripping hard with you, or the Diwali we spent together, I'll never forget them, they are very beautiful memories to me and I will always cherish them. They were some of the best times in my life and I won't let go of those. As far as I go I still want to share my life with you, nothing has changed for me, maybe I have just realized myself what you meant to me.
June, this is one of the hardest emails I have ever written to you, but really being friends is just going to bring me more hurt, when I have just picked up the pieces, and it will push moving on for us both further away. If you don't want to love me then I think it's best not to attempt to be just friends yet, cause there is no place more lonely than being next to the person you love the most and not being loved in return. And I still love you a lot.
June, if ever something changes inside you and you feel we can be more than friends, or if ever you think we can maybe talk about us, or want to start over on a different note, or to maybe see if we want to even be with each other let me know. Cause there is nothing I want more than being together again. I feel there is so much unsaid between us even now, and if we would just calmly communicate to each other we could be so much better. If we are a just a bit more understanding and expressive about how we really feel inside, we could be happier than we ever were.
June, we have our differences but if we love each other enough we can make it work, even through it all, and through all that has happened. You can always email me and let me know how you are doing and how things are at your end, again you have my number and a phone isn't far if you ever need to talk. I still love you but its no longer about me or what I want, its about you June, its about if you know what you want. Or if you even want me, I want you like crazy but there is nothing I can do about it, I can't change your heart, I can only change mine.
Again, If you want to meet me or spend time with me to maybe see how we even feel around each other, I'd be more than glad to do that. Cause honestly, I don't even know how I'd will feel when I see you, I mean I love you endlessly, but now its been a very long time since I spent some time with you, or even saw you. Maybe you have changed maybe I have, I don't know.
Now take care of yourself, and nothing matters to you more than yourself, well you matter a lot to me but that's besides the point right now. Really Take Care of yourself you are worth it.
Today has been a bit different
Today has been a bit different. I dont know why. But there is somethng different. I mean, I feel different about her. I don't know if it was the e-mail she sent, or it was the idea of really asking myself, if I want her now. If I want someone who has caused me all this pain and suffering. And left me with no answers and simply walked away. I mean not that she is ever coming back.
After her e-mail, I thought to myself, do I really want to be a 'Friend' of hers? Even if I do, for what? What will I gain out of it? Be a friend of hers just to know she is seeing someone else? Or being her friend when she needs me and nothing about when I need her? Friends need a two way street and not one, a friend can't just walk on someone else's feelings and expect that person to be fine with it. June, she walked away not only on me feelings, but on everything even she stood for. She walked away on whatever even she said to herself too. Do i want a friend like that?
Now coming to lovers, Yes I do want her as that. There is a difference here, I do want to spend the rest of my life still with her, though whatever has happened, I can believe that she was young and didn't know what she wanted. And maybe has learnt a bit now or maybe has realized that I did love her and that we had something nice between us. I don't call a lost person who returns home lost, the same way if she comes back to me I am sure I can believe that she never left in the first place and can yes look past it all.
So I know with her it is everything or nothing.
But now she has to Hit and Hit hard.
"Its not how hard you can hit, its how hard you can get hit"
After her e-mail, I thought to myself, do I really want to be a 'Friend' of hers? Even if I do, for what? What will I gain out of it? Be a friend of hers just to know she is seeing someone else? Or being her friend when she needs me and nothing about when I need her? Friends need a two way street and not one, a friend can't just walk on someone else's feelings and expect that person to be fine with it. June, she walked away not only on me feelings, but on everything even she stood for. She walked away on whatever even she said to herself too. Do i want a friend like that?
Now coming to lovers, Yes I do want her as that. There is a difference here, I do want to spend the rest of my life still with her, though whatever has happened, I can believe that she was young and didn't know what she wanted. And maybe has learnt a bit now or maybe has realized that I did love her and that we had something nice between us. I don't call a lost person who returns home lost, the same way if she comes back to me I am sure I can believe that she never left in the first place and can yes look past it all.
So I know with her it is everything or nothing.
But now she has to Hit and Hit hard.
"Its not how hard you can hit, its how hard you can get hit"
Kissing the Rain
Today it rained again. More like it poured, and I went and stood on the balcony and just felt the rain on me. It was beautiful. Beautiful to feel alive and beautiful to be able to just love someone.
And kept playing:
Hello...Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you
Hello...Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line? Are you sure you're there alone?
Cuz I'm, Trying to explain.
Somethings wrong, You just don't sound the same.
Why don't you, Why don't you
Go outside, Go outside, Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me, Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long,
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty, Kiss the rain.
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in mind, Were under the same sky
And the nights As empty for me as for you
If you feel, You cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain.
Hello...Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do.
But not the way I'm missing you.
Whats new? Hows the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you,re so far.
Oh would it mean anything,
If you knew, What I'm left imagining
In my mind, My mind,
Would you go, Would you go, Kiss the rain
As you fall Over me Think of me,
Think of me, Think of me, Only me,
Kiss the rain, Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long, If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted, Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in Mind
Were under the same sky, And the nights
As empty for me as for you.
If you feel you cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain
Hello...Can you hear me?
And kept playing:
Hello...Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you
Hello...Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line? Are you sure you're there alone?
Cuz I'm, Trying to explain.
Somethings wrong, You just don't sound the same.
Why don't you, Why don't you
Go outside, Go outside, Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me, Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long,
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty, Kiss the rain.
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in mind, Were under the same sky
And the nights As empty for me as for you
If you feel, You cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain.
Hello...Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do.
But not the way I'm missing you.
Whats new? Hows the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you,re so far.
Oh would it mean anything,
If you knew, What I'm left imagining
In my mind, My mind,
Would you go, Would you go, Kiss the rain
As you fall Over me Think of me,
Think of me, Think of me, Only me,
Kiss the rain, Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain.
Whenever I'm gone too long, If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted, Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn,
Keep in Mind
Were under the same sky, And the nights
As empty for me as for you.
If you feel you cant wait till morning, Kiss the rain
Hello...Can you hear me?
Monday, December 1, 2008
Stop sending I love you e-mails
You mailed me today, and asked me to stop sending you emails that tell you that I love you, to forget all that happened between us. And to maybe start afresh as friends.
Stop sending you mails telling you I love you, that will be hard to do cause I do love you a lot stll, I dont know if you asked me to stop cause you don't believe me or cause you feel uncomfortable when someone tells you that I don't know. Maybe it has painful memories attached to it thats why you ask me not to say it. I don't know, maybe you are just fed up of it all and hate reading it I dont know. I leave the benefit of the doubt to you.
To forget all that has happened between us. Yes I can forget all the bad times, especially towards the end. But not it is not possible for me to forget all the better times and all the times when we were happy together. I am not a person who believes that my time spent with you was a waste or was not worth it, and that I need to forget it. No thats not what or who I am. I loved the time we spent together, and those were some of the best days of my life I am not willing to forget those. I will never forget those. Those will stay with me forever.
To start afresh as friends. June I will do anything, anything to make things better between us, yes I love you and if that means being a friend of yours even though it will hurt me and I would always want to be much more than that to you, I will try and I will try to be there for you whenever you need me. I just hope someday you will see that we are maybe happy together and that we can have a much better tomorrow than we ever did.
Yes this is another confusing mail, I really dont know what she is thinking. I feel is she is thinking a bit like me, she knows that we will never be the same and even if we have to things will be very very different now in every which way. We will never be able to live together and the whole thing would be very different. She nor I, don't know what to do or how to go about it. I feel she wants to meet, but when the time comes she is not sure or afraid like me as to what would happen and would rather not face it. She wants to make contact but doesn't know how to cause that would mean going back on all what she stood for. How can she give me her new number or call me when all this while she has been fighting so hard to keep me away. How can she even admit to herself that she is actually missing me even if she is? That is going against all she stood for in the past 2 months? Love is complicated, and so is life. I know we both are threading a very very fine line, we have lost each other now we don't even know how to get back even if we want to.
Stop sending you mails telling you I love you, that will be hard to do cause I do love you a lot stll, I dont know if you asked me to stop cause you don't believe me or cause you feel uncomfortable when someone tells you that I don't know. Maybe it has painful memories attached to it thats why you ask me not to say it. I don't know, maybe you are just fed up of it all and hate reading it I dont know. I leave the benefit of the doubt to you.
To forget all that has happened between us. Yes I can forget all the bad times, especially towards the end. But not it is not possible for me to forget all the better times and all the times when we were happy together. I am not a person who believes that my time spent with you was a waste or was not worth it, and that I need to forget it. No thats not what or who I am. I loved the time we spent together, and those were some of the best days of my life I am not willing to forget those. I will never forget those. Those will stay with me forever.
To start afresh as friends. June I will do anything, anything to make things better between us, yes I love you and if that means being a friend of yours even though it will hurt me and I would always want to be much more than that to you, I will try and I will try to be there for you whenever you need me. I just hope someday you will see that we are maybe happy together and that we can have a much better tomorrow than we ever did.
Yes this is another confusing mail, I really dont know what she is thinking. I feel is she is thinking a bit like me, she knows that we will never be the same and even if we have to things will be very very different now in every which way. We will never be able to live together and the whole thing would be very different. She nor I, don't know what to do or how to go about it. I feel she wants to meet, but when the time comes she is not sure or afraid like me as to what would happen and would rather not face it. She wants to make contact but doesn't know how to cause that would mean going back on all what she stood for. How can she give me her new number or call me when all this while she has been fighting so hard to keep me away. How can she even admit to herself that she is actually missing me even if she is? That is going against all she stood for in the past 2 months? Love is complicated, and so is life. I know we both are threading a very very fine line, we have lost each other now we don't even know how to get back even if we want to.
A New Month..
A new month. Does it change anything? I certainly do hope so. I still miss her a lot. This weekend was hard on my, I spent time outside so that I think of her less but that just made me think of her more. We even went back to the place where we last met and fought, somehow it didn't seem all that bad now.
But the weekend. I think I must have prayed to God for hours. I dont think I have does so in my entire life, I prayed that somehow she would think of me or maybe miss me even for a second and would reach out to me. Even God must have become tired of me praying, I feel. I didn't really know she meant so much to me.
Yes I would still do anything she asks of me to have her back in my life. Though she has caused me so much pain, anger and hurt, I am sure she has her reasons and as long as she has them and are justified to her I am no one to judge her. I just love her and still love her a lot. And yes I am willing to look past it all for her to just hold me once again.
I though that love like this did not exist in me, or that I was not capable of loving like this anymore, but now I know I was so very wrong. Everyone can love again and everyone can feel hurt and pain just like the first time each time it is up to us to see it and realise it when its there and to cherish it when it is there, unlike me when I had it the most beautiful thing in the world I let it all slip away, more like I threw it away.
I have no one to turn to and no one to try and explain myself to, she was the only other person who knew all what we shared, and she now turns a blind eye to it all. So I only have God to look to and ask for help and pray that she is happy and that maybe just maybe one day we will be better together. God please help me and help her, God please forgive me, God......
But the weekend. I think I must have prayed to God for hours. I dont think I have does so in my entire life, I prayed that somehow she would think of me or maybe miss me even for a second and would reach out to me. Even God must have become tired of me praying, I feel. I didn't really know she meant so much to me.
Yes I would still do anything she asks of me to have her back in my life. Though she has caused me so much pain, anger and hurt, I am sure she has her reasons and as long as she has them and are justified to her I am no one to judge her. I just love her and still love her a lot. And yes I am willing to look past it all for her to just hold me once again.
I though that love like this did not exist in me, or that I was not capable of loving like this anymore, but now I know I was so very wrong. Everyone can love again and everyone can feel hurt and pain just like the first time each time it is up to us to see it and realise it when its there and to cherish it when it is there, unlike me when I had it the most beautiful thing in the world I let it all slip away, more like I threw it away.
I have no one to turn to and no one to try and explain myself to, she was the only other person who knew all what we shared, and she now turns a blind eye to it all. So I only have God to look to and ask for help and pray that she is happy and that maybe just maybe one day we will be better together. God please help me and help her, God please forgive me, God......
What are my options
What are my options? Really what are my options?
I have already cried as much as I could.
I have fought the feeling as much as I could.
I have denied it for as long as I could.
I have missed her as much as I could.
I have prayed as much as I could.
I have thought about her as much as could.
I have pretended she is just away for as long as I could.
I have angered her as much as I could.
I have mailed her as much as I could.
I have tried to reach out to her as much as I could.
I have tried to call her as much as I could.
I have begged her and God as much as I could.
What are my options really what else can I do?
I can't call her, I dont know where.
I can't mail her, she doesnt reply.
I can't send flowers she might take it wrongly.
I can't call friends she will take it as stalking.
I can't show up at her place that will scare her more.
I can just think about her, but where will it get me.
I can talk to her inside me, but that will make me crazy.
I can think of better times, but that will only make me miss her more.
I can only pray to God that maybe someday she will come back.
I have already cried as much as I could.
I have fought the feeling as much as I could.
I have denied it for as long as I could.
I have missed her as much as I could.
I have prayed as much as I could.
I have thought about her as much as could.
I have pretended she is just away for as long as I could.
I have angered her as much as I could.
I have mailed her as much as I could.
I have tried to reach out to her as much as I could.
I have tried to call her as much as I could.
I have begged her and God as much as I could.
What are my options really what else can I do?
I can't call her, I dont know where.
I can't mail her, she doesnt reply.
I can't send flowers she might take it wrongly.
I can't call friends she will take it as stalking.
I can't show up at her place that will scare her more.
I can just think about her, but where will it get me.
I can talk to her inside me, but that will make me crazy.
I can think of better times, but that will only make me miss her more.
I can only pray to God that maybe someday she will come back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)